Emotions are strange

It's funny how you can agree with something your husband is doing, even want him to do it, but still feel sad.  I miss Darrell already, and he isn't even gone yet.  Although his plans to leave directly from work I'm sure contribute to that.

He's heading to New Jersey, to help his parents start cleaning up and recovering what they can from having a foot of water in their home from Hurricane Sandy.  His sister lives along the same river, and had about the same amount of water in her home.  And they have two boys to take care of through this as well.  Darrell's sister was arguably more prepared.  They were home with warning of the storm's intensity.  They put everything they could in their one-room upstairs and elevated other things.  They have flood insurance.  Darrell's parents were already in Florida for the winter, asking friends to do what they could, but I don't think they really know what they will be coming home to as they begin the travel back today.  They also cancelled their flood insurance years ago.  Why pay for something you've never needed to use?  Obviously there is an answer now - Sandy.

Regardless, this is devastation that I can't really imagine.  I grew up on a hill high enough that Darrell called it a mountain.  You know those end of the world movies that show devastating, world-wide flooding?  Well, the state I grew up in is usually where they show that US east coast flooding stopping.  There's a little thing called the Appalachian mountains standing in the way.  Yes, there is still flooding in my home state in those valleys, but it would take the likes of Noah's flood to wipe out my childhood home.  I've moved around a lot since then, but I've still never lived directly by water any bigger than a small creek (and still at a much higher elevation even than it), never even been very close to living within a 100-year flood plain.

But I see the longing in my husband's eyes when we visit that river he grew up on.  I see him light up when we take out our little boat, trailering it an hour away just to enjoy the water for the day.  I know he misses walking out the back door and right into a boat that is already docked in the water.  Even I get a little wistful when I sit out beside it and imagine what it must be like to have an ocean or a beautiful river as your back yard.  It's amazing, I'm sure.  I don't think my in-laws would trade it for homes anywhere else.

And so, they'll clean up, move on, and hope and pray that this is the worst flood their lifetimes will ever see.  And I'm proud that my husband is willing to drop everything and travel states away to help his family.  It's exactly what I would want him to do.  I just wish he could stay here with us, too.

So, safe travels to my love.  And lots of prayers and thoughts to my in-laws as they reclaim their beautiful homes, and to so many more families in the eastern US as they do the same, or dig out from under feet of snow, or just brave the cold while they wait for their electricity to be restored.  I'm thinking of all of you, and please know that we always have an extra bedroom for those who need it.  Take care and be safe.

It's tougher to think you have a good marriage when things aren't going as well...

Don't worry, I haven't completely given up on marriage advice.  (Sorry to those who were hoping I had.)  It's just a little tougher to write about it or feel like you are helping someone else out when things aren't going as well.  It's kind of like typical Facebook posts.  Do we update about all the bad stuff in our lives?  No, of course not.  From the outside, one would guess that we all have intelligent/wonderful/beautiful children and lives.

I try to tell my kids that everyone has problems that you probably just don't know about.  The most popular kid in school has something wrong with her, some problem she's struggling with, divorced parents, or who knows what other issue that troubles her at night.  No one is perfect, even if they look like it from the outside.  I try to get them to think about that when they are convinced that they just aren't good enough in some way.  No one is, and that's ok.  I also try to get them to think about that when someone says or does something mean to them.  That person may be going through something tough that we don't know about, and we have to offer the same grace that we are offered for our own mistakes.  And, personally, I'd much rather my kids and myself be good on the inside than work too hard on outside beauty anyway.  God is kind enough to let that inside goodness shine outside of us more often than we think.

So, marriage isn't always easy.  It's not always on an up cycle.  And lately, it feels a little like Darrell and I have swung to a tougher point.  The few years before, I don't think we argued at all, everything seemed to be humming along quite smoothly.  And then, bam, life hit full force again.  The future of his job became very uncertain.  We decided that I needed to step up my job search, and yet, I still wasn't getting many solid leads.  The kids started having more issues than they'd had in a while.  Darrell wanted to try going off of his anti-anxiety medication for a while.

And it's not really that things are that bad now.  It's just that they aren't as good as they were for a while, so it feels a little blah.  You know?  Luckily, we've been married long enough to have the tools to work through this little "blah".  We've certainly had tougher situations to get through together.  And I love having the solidity of a life-long partner to work through this crazy life.

Some days and even weeks lately, we mostly seem to just be parental partners taking our kids to one activity or another, discussing finances, etc.  And we need to work on that, no doubt.  But, I know that there will always be ups and downs along the way.  And I'm good with that.

A lot of what you want won't even make you happy

I have a theory.  Actually, I have lots of theories, but I try not scare people off with too many of them at once. 

Most of us need a lot less to be happy than we think we do.  And a corollary to that is, contentment is awesome. 

I want a job.  I have good reasons.  The company where my husband works is far from stable right now.  I want to reduce some of the stress I know he feels (but is sweet enough to not really complain about) being our sole financial support right now.  I don't want us to be put into a position that we'd have to move for the first job that came along if he did get laid off, and that's very likely if it happened now with me between gainful employment.  I have about the same earning potential as he.  We want to save more for our kids' college educations (coming up in less than four years now for our older one!).  We want to pay off our house before we're 60. 

And yes, I'm also one of those women who likes to have a job outside the home.  I am in no way knocking women, or men, who stay home full time.  I've done that for a while a few times, both now and when our daughter was a baby.  It's hard work.  When kids are small, they alone are a full-time job.  When they're in school, it's a part-time job just running them all the places they need to be.  Add cleaning your house, fixing meals, and other things you can take care of in and outside the home, and it again makes up a full-time job with lots of overtime.  Every single-parent household or household where both parents work certainly deserves hiring someone else to clean the house, in the very least.

But I'm getting off-topic.  I don't absolutely need the money from a job.  Darrell makes enough to pay our bills.  He just doesn't make enough for all that extra stuff, at least not as fast as we'd love to have some of it.  That extra stuff we don't really need.  I think (hope) that's why I'm being really careful in my job hunt this time.  It has to be something I like, not something I'm doing just to ratchet us up to a larger income bracket.  And you'd be surprised how quickly we (and everyone else I've ever known) can spend all that extra money on stuff and not have anything more to show for it.  We literally halved our income when I left my corporate job to try to start my own business (which failed, but that's also another blog post topic...).  And you know what?  Except for not saving for the kids for college lately, I don't miss the income.  Yes, I clean the house myself instead of paying someone.  We eat at home almost every night instead of eating out or getting take-out nearly every evening.  I spend WAY less on clothes than I did then.  I use my spare time to hunt for deals and get the best price on everything I can.  Also, we don't have kids in daycare or preschool anymore, so it helps with a major expense cut out of the budget (our kids go to public school).

There have even been recent studies done about the income amount that makes you happiest in the US.  The funny thing is, right now we earn pretty close to what the study indicated.  I don't remember if it was for an individual, or a family of four like ours, but I understand why that's about the right amount from experience.  There was a time when I was working too much, significantly more hours a week than Darrell.  He pitched in a lot at home, but I was still unhappy.  I want a job, but I don't need to earn as much as I did and I need to still be there for my kids in the late afternoon/evenings and on weekends.  I don't know if I'll find a job that fits all of this, but I'm looking.

And I think everyone can learn to be happier on less.  Some of you may think that's easy for me to say if your household income is lower.  But it can be fun to find ways to save money, and you usually don't miss things as much as you thought you would.  We've gone years without cable before.  Darrell essentially lived on Ramen noodles in college one summer.  We often sell things on eBay and Craigslist to bring in some extra income for things we want more.  We're garage sale shoppers, clearance bin searchers, etc.

I know I could be happy with only these things:  God, my husband, my kids, our health, a comfortable home (I'd prefer to keep my current one, but would be fine in a smaller one if necessary), enough food to keep us from being hungry, and enough clothes.  Ok, one more please, I want to keep my smartphone.  I'm blessed beyond measure that I've never had to live with less than this, at least not for very long.  I know there are so many people that don't get even this much, and I should be seeking them out more often to give away some of the abundance that I have.

But I do have contentment.  I have more than I ever dreamed of, and I hope my children learn that contentment.  My daughter still seems surprised when I say I'd never want a bigger, fancier home.  I've never cared about designer clothes.  Like most women I know, I like to look nice in my clothing, but that's never been dependent on a brand or designer label, and I'm glad for that.  I've only had one good haircut in about three years, and I'm much more ok with that than I thought I'd be.  I'm not always content.  Like everyone else, I struggle sometimes with wanting more, mostly related to wanting things for my kids in their future.  But, today, I am content.  And I hope and pray that's something that everyone gets to experience, at least at points in your life.  I think you'll be surprised that it can take less than you think.

I want a job, but I don't need it right now.  Maybe that's why I haven't found it yet?

My confession...

I have a confession to make.  I had sex before I was married.  Worse, despite very much being a Christian before, then and now, I have had a lot of trouble ever really feeling sorry for it.  I think it's made me who I am.  I think it's made me less judgmental of others than I would probably be otherwise.  And, in my case, it led to my happily ever after.  I know that doesn't happen most of the time.  I'm lucky.  Mine were very specific circumstances.  So, I'll try to explain them for you, although I'm sure I'll leave important things out.

Having sex before marriage doesn't mean I had what most people would call casual sex.  My mom said at one time that she could understand more if it happened in the heat of the moment.  It didn't.  I met Darrell, he fell in love with me, and I fell in love right back.  I've told you some of the other details, but I've left out this part.  Ironically, it's the same part I've left out so far for my teenage daughter.  She knows that Darrell and I have had sex only with each other, but she doesn't know that it started happening before we were married.  She's never asked, and I'm not ashamed to admit it; I just don't want it to influence her decisions, and so, the easier thing has been to not bring it up.

We lived on the same dorm floor that first year of college.  We spent more time together in a month than I'd spent with any other boyfriend.  Even on the honors floor, kids stayed up half the night talking in each other's rooms, guys and girls.  There were many nights that Darrell and I would be sitting on my bunk, amidst great conversations, and there we would fall to sleep, with the lights still on as others kept talking.  My roommate liked Darrell and didn't mind him being there.  So, we slept beside each other long before we "slept together".  And it was nice.  I think it would be nice if anyone wanting to spend their lives together could sleep beside each other first.  And maybe that does happen more often than I realize.  I hope so.

Darrell talked right away about marrying me.  I was more hesitant.  Was he an 18-year-old boy interested in having sex and probably feeling like he was one of the few male virgins in the US heading off to college?  Sure.  Did he pressure me in any way?  No.  He even carried a condom around in his wallet for months before, but didn't once mention that to me.

I decided over Christmas break that Darrell was the man I wanted to marry.  If I thought our parents could have taken it and that our lives could stay otherwise the same through college, I would have married him by the end of freshman year.  Looking back, I'm not sure if that would have been any better or worse.  I think it would have put more outside pressure on our young relationship though than having sex before marriage did.  Darrell's friends thought he was crazy enough getting married when we did.

Deciding in my heart that I would marry Darrell justified in my mind having sex with him.  And it was still a few months after that.  You see, I'm a planner.  Not that I planned it down to the exact day and time or anything that specific.  But I did make an appointment at our college's clinic and ask for the pill.  And I followed the directions about taking it for a month first as well.  I didn't have to worry about STDs because we were both virgins.  So, it was no accident, no heat of the moment thing for us.  And it really felt right.  It still does.

Does that mean it was fireworks and perfect from the very first time?  No, but it's always gotten better over time.  Because yes, I made a decision that is technically sinful, but although it's very hard to explain, I think we still went about it in a way that God intended human love to be.  We treated sex as a covenant right from the beginning.  It was and is special.  It's the most intimate you can be with another person.

I was worried once, sophomore year, that I might be pregnant.  I think it was the only other time other than the two times I really was and wanted to be that I ever took a pregnancy test.  I wasn't, but of course Darrell and I discussed everything while I was worrying.  I insisted that I'd keep the baby if I was, but was scared to death of what that would mean for finishing college.  He said we'd get married right away if I was.  I'm glad I wasn't.  Having a baby that young, too, would have been really tough on us, especially while he was sick just a few years later.  And we probably wouldn't have the two amazing children we have today.  I still think we would have made it as a couple, but I'm afraid it might have been a different version of us.

Sometimes I still wish I felt sorry for making love before we were married.  And maybe someday I will.  But I can't imagine our relationship developing any differently than it did.  In another time and culture, I believe we would have gotten married sooner.  But in another time and culture, we also might never have met.

Some of the things I see today condemning other people and beliefs really sadden me.  I've done things other people think are wrong.  I've done things that just plain are wrong (sorry, I don't plan to tell you about all of those).  I've sinned.  So has everyone.

Some of you have probably gotten to this, the end of my blog post, and wonder where the juicy confession is.  Sorry, this is as juicy as my life gets.  And I like it this way.

Death is the hardest part of life

If my count is right, I have four first cousins who have passed away.  The reasons are varied, but I can only imagine that the loss and grief they leave behind for their mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, friends, etc. is much the same.  I think it hurts the most when death is out of order - when the child dies before the parent.  And for each of my four cousins, this was the case.

Of those four, I'm probably the least close to my cousin, Toby, who died earlier this week.  There are (were) at least 18 cousins on my dad's side of the family.  Granny (my grandmother on my dad's side) helped get us together growing up, but then we all grew up, moved away, and then she passed away about eleven years ago.  Being the older daughter of the youngest son, I was always grouped with the younger cousins when we got together.  Toby and his sisters (children of the oldest son) were all several years older than I, and so, they were always in the older cousin group.  Two of my dad's brothers married two sisters.  Understandably, those "double cousins" were always closer, too. 

I didn't get to know Toby as well as I would have liked, in hindsight.  I don't think my kids have ever met him.  Darrell probably only met him at our wedding and at Granny's funeral.  It would be a long trip in for his funeral.  So, I'm not going, but I will be thinking about everyone and praying for them.

And, yes, I've been hugging my kids just a little tighter all week.

Almost the one...

Most of my senior year of high school was fairly miserable.  I was ready to just get out of there and head to college.  But that spring, I met a guy so cute I didn't think he'd possibly be interested in me.  One of my best friends was dating one of his best friends, and my cousin was dating another of his best friends.  And so, they introduced us.  He was about the cutest boy I'd ever seen.  Yes, from outside looks only, I fell much faster for him than I did Darrell.  He was a year younger (my habit of dating younger boys didn't start with Darrell), but he drove a cool car (even if it was his dad's).  We went on our first date just two weeks before my senior prom.  I was supposed to go to prom with a boy I'd already dated and broken up with earlier in the school year, but I weaseled my way out of that to go with my new guy instead. 

We had a great summer.  He was a great guy.  He'd only ever had one girlfriend before me, and I vowed not to break his heart like she did.  Towards the end of the summer, he was afraid I'd head off to college and find someone else while he was still finishing high school.  I did.  I met Darrell.  And I'm honestly just not sure whether I would have stayed with my boyfriend from back home if I hadn't met Darrell, or if I would have found someone else instead anyway.  But, the boyfriend back home is the only other guy I know I really loved.  I think I would have been happy with him if I hadn't met Darrell.  In fact, it took me considerable time and heartache to decide who I should really be with. 

Obviously, I ended up choosing Darrell.  But that other guy?  I heard he only recently got married.  I was told that I did break his heart, and that it took him a long time to even date again.  I still to this day feel bad for that.  He's an awesome guy, and I hope he is making some woman really happy.  I hope he gets the chance to be a dad, because I know he'd make a good one.

I'm connected to a few ex-boyfriends on Facebook, and that's ok.  They're the ones I still wish well and they are great guys, too.  But wouldn't have a problem seeing and talking to them, just being friendly if I ever ran into them.  The guy I dated just before Darrell is different.  He's the one I should never talk to again.  And that's why I've never actively tried to find anything out about him, and won't.  Yes, I've heard a few things, but not by reaching out or asking anyone.  And luckily, he moved away from my hometown, so there's not much chance of running into him when I visit my parents either.

He's the one who might have been the one if I hadn't met Darrell, you know?  My guess is that I'm not the only one who has a guy like that in her past.  The one I should avoid because it would bring up old feelings, strong emotions.  The one I haven't even written about in a lot of years.

I try to not even read those romance novels about middle aged women who end up with their high school sweetheart.  And there are a lot of those books out there!

What surprises me sometimes are the things like this that I avoid, that others don't seem to.  If you know what your temptations are, why not avoid them?  I love Darrell with all of my heart and soul.  Our love is way beyond anything I had with this other guy, but I still know that it would be dangerous to ever see him or be friends with him again.  And my marriage to Darrell is way too important to even risk it.

That makes sense, right?  I hope it does, and if it helps someone else understand that, all the better.

Why I don't have an iPhone (and don't plan to get one)

I know, sorry, I've been a little light on the marriage advice lately.

But I hear so many people saying things like, "I finally got an iPhone," and I always wonder, did they even consider the alternatives?  I'm a techie.  I like to do my own research and find the best product for me.  I'm not saying the iPhone isn't the best product for a lot of people.  I just think that sometimes it's not, and they just get it by default.  So, this is just my personal view after using a LOT of smartphones and a lot of technology and consumer electronics products in general.

And, before you dismiss me as an Apple-hater, you should know that I have an iPad and mostly love it (I'll tell you the one feature it's missing later), my kids each have an iPod Touch, and I'd probably have a Macbook if it weren't so much more expensive than other laptops.

It also surprises me that folks talk about the iPhone as if it were the first ever smartphone.  I agree that it is the product that made smartphones mainstream, but Windows Mobile, Palm OS, and yes, even Blackberries introduced us to the smartphone space, not iPhones.  I loved my two Windows Mobile phones.  I could install apps on those as well.  I could sync e-mail and files between my phone and computer.  I could check e-mail on the go and play games on my phone.  Was it as seamless and smooth as it is today?  No.  But that's what happens with technology - it gets better over time.  And what about the Palm Pilots and Pocket PC's that came before?  You can't tell me that my Dell Axiom wasn't cool to carry along with my tiny cell phone back in the day.

Do you know the difference between capacitive and resistive touchscreens?  Today, most of us would just say that resistive touchscreens are the old kind that doesn't work well, but five years ago I would have told you I liked that better.  You almost had to use a stylus to get resistive touchscreens to respond, but I have long fingernails that basically give me built-in styli.  And I absolutely hated typing in our iTunes password constantly for my daughter on her tiny iPod Touch capacitive touchscreen - I had to use my fingertips, and no matter how hard I tried, I'd hit incorrect keys.  So frustrating!  With my long nails or stylus, I could much more easily tap out letters and numbers on the resistive touchscreen on my Windows Mobile phone.

Fast-forward to 2010.  I was running a small business, with consumer electronics clients as a major focus, and definitely needed to upgrade to one of the newer generation of smartphones.  What were the choices?  Windows Mobile was very out of date, they were waiting too long to launch the new Windows Phone OS.  The iPhone was already entrenched as "the smartphone".  But the Android OS really intrigued me.  And capacitive touchscreens were really the only choice by then.  I decided on a Samsung Galaxy S (the Epic 4G from Sprint) over the HTC EVO for one very simple reason - I thought that if I had to go with a capacitive touchscreen, I would need the slide-out keyboard for any heavy text entry.  I was wrong.

What, in my opinion, is the single biggest thing that Apple mobile products are missing?  Keyboard options, especially Swype!  Instead of having to peck at individual letters and numbers, I can start my finger or thumb at the first letter of a word and slide along each letter, briefly raise my finger and start on the next word.  Not everyone likes Swype, but I love it.  It has honestly revolutionized mobile text entry in my opinion.  And it comes on every Android phone.  I wish I had it on my iPad (yes, that's the missing feature I'd love to have).  And if you don't like Swype, there are several other awesome free keyboards to choose from.

Well, ok, you say.  That's just one little thing (although it's actually huge to me).  My iPhone is better than your phone in every other way.  I mean, I have Siri for goodness sake!  I've tried Siri.  It's ok.  I have S Voice in my Samsung Galaxy S3.  It's also just ok.  I really don't like talking to my phone much, but when I do, I tend to use Vlingo (a voice recognition app you can get for just about any smartphone OS) or Dragon Dictation by Nuance (built into my Swype Beta keyboard).  I like my phone talking back to me even less.  It may be a smartphone, but I still believe I'm a lot smarter than it is, and I'd rather talk to another person than my phone.  But that's just me.  Some people might love it.

What about the screen?  You tell me:

I'd rather have the bigger screen that yes, still fits comfortably in my hand during phone conversations, which I do still use my smartphone for.  All of the rumors are that the iPhone 5 will have a bigger screen, just a bit smaller than my Galaxy S3.  I hope so, because my opinion is that you will never want to go back to a sub-4 inch smartphone screen.

Swype and phone screen size are the two biggies, the things I just wouldn't trade.  But, yes, my Samsung Galaxy S3 has some other cool features that I've grown to like, a lot.  I can add memory and replace my battery.  When my iPhone toting friends need to get to a charger, I pop in my spare battery (yes, I always carry an extra in my very small purse just in case).  While you spend at least $100 on more built-in storage, I can spend less than $20 on a 32gb micro SD card.  My new phone has NFC (near field communication) in that removable battery as well.  I can buy these fairly inexpensive ($15 for five of them) little stickers that I touch my phone to, and easily program with neat settings.  For instance, when I climb into bed at night, I have one that tells my phone to silence the ringer, set my alarm, and text my hubby goodnight.  And I can use NFC to pay for things with my phone while out and about, although I admit that I haven't tried that yet, and sometimes it worries me that my phone may be starting to be able to do a little TOO MUCH for me.

"But, I have more apps!" you say.  Apple didn't invent apps, but they shortened the name from "applications" and made us all need them.  And yes, you have a bigger selection that I do.  But I'm not just tied to Apple's Appstore.  I've got Google Play, the Amazon Appstore (that offers a different free app every day), Samsung Apps, several others, and if all else fails, I can easily side-load other apps that I find.  There have been a few times that my friends are playing a neat new game on their iPhone sooner than it's available for Android, but I've never had to wait long before it was available somewhere for Android as well.

"But, my iPhone plays music!"  Um, yeah, my phone does, too.  And, yes, I can sync it to my iTunes account wirelessly and easily, too.  And I can copy mp3 files directly to my micro SD card.

"But my iPhone takes awesome pictures!"  Yes, my smartphone, beginning with that Galaxy S Epic 4G, has also replaced my point and shoot camera.  I'd happily compare my pictures to yours.  I know people who take better pictures because they are more skillful than I am, but other than that I don't see iPhone pictures that are just better quality.

"But my iPhone has 4G!"  No, it doesn't.  Not yet, and that's not what your "4" or "4S" stand for.  At least not LTE.  Hopefully with the iPhone 5.  And no, I'm not really any better off.  My phone has 4G LTE, but only Verizon offers LTE in my market, and I'm not with Verizon.  But, 4G LTE is pretty awesome, and I hope it comes to my market soon.

"But I don't have to worry about my iPhone getting updated to the latest OS!"  Yes, the Android OS is fragmented.  There are a lot of manufacturers making Android phones.  To me, that means a lot of choices.  And yes, not everyone gets the latest Android version at the same time.  But it's never hurt me personally, because I tend to update my phone every year when I can, every two years if I absolutely have to wait for the contract to come up.  And I buy a recent release phone, so it gets the next OS update.

"But, my iPhone, iPad, and computer all have my synced calendar and e-mails!"  Yes, so do Gmail and Google Calendar.  Even many corporations are switching over to it.  And even while I was using Outlook on my computer because I liked the user interface better, I found a little program that would sync it to Google Calendar for me.  When there is something I want to do or sync between my phone and computer, I have yet to not be able to find a way to do it online or in an Android forum.  I honestly have more trouble getting my iPad to behave and do some of the weird things that I want.  Android is just a more open system.  People find work-arounds for me.  Sure, I could jailbreak Apple products, but I don't want to.  Remember, I'm also a rule-follower who doesn't want to void her warranty.

So, there you go. There's some other cool things, too, but I don't want to beat you to death with the greatness of my phone.  And I honestly believe the iPhone is pretty great, too.  Just do your own research first, that's all I ask.

So you want to know what I believe...

I don't remember living through a more politically-charged time, so if you want to know my beliefs, here goes a brief summary.  For more details, I'd be happy to sit down and have a polite, non-name calling, in-person discussion with anyone.

I'm a Christian.  I don't often say it.  I'm busy trying to live it.  And I don't always succeed.

I believe in the right to bear arms, but not automatic and semi-automatic weapons or explosives.  I also optimistically believe that we’d stand up for each other if the need arose, not point intruders towards our unarmed neighbors the way I’ve seen Facebook pictures imply.

I believe in a global economy.  I also believe in supporting US products and jobs.  And yes, somehow I think we’ll find a balance between the two that will work.  At least I hope so.

I like that we helped the auto industry.  I wish we’d let more banks fail.  It didn’t take an advanced economics degree to see years ago that the loans being handed out were not going to work.

I didn’t go to that now infamous chicken restaurant on Wednesday.  I didn’t feel like that was a statement I needed to make.  I also don’t plan to boycott them.  I’m still not sure they crossed a line for me personally, and even if they did, I’m not naïve enough to think that I agree with the beliefs and actions of every place that gets my money.  Actually, I’m quite sure that I don’t.

I believe the Bible defined marriage.  I also know that God allowed some marriages that should make any of us cringe a lot more than LBGT marriage should.  I think we all deserve equal rights, but I personally don’t think the government should be deciding marriage for us anyway.  I could fully support government-sanctioned civil unions, and yes, that means I’d be willing to get one myself for my 20-year marriage.

I don’t believe that Obama has single-handedly destroyed our country.  I think it’s been a lot more gradual than that.  I don’t think his opinions have “evolved”; I think he’s just being political.  I think his healthcare reform is far from perfect, but it amazes me that Mitt Romney criticizes it so much when Romney’s plan for Massachusetts was used as the basis for Obamacare.  I think Romney should release his tax records, all of them that are requested.  All the waffling Romney has done scares me.  I don’t think either his wife or Michelle Obama should be criticized for how much their clothing or choice of activities cost.  I think both sides just look for things to support what they want to believe.  I think we all do that, and yes, that includes me.  I don’t want to vote for either of them.  I wish our system gave us more choices.  I wish we had better choices.  But that doesn’t mean I won’t vote.  Not voting means giving up, and I won’t do that.

I think congress is a mess.  Maybe we could all vote on their benefits for a while?  Maybe they could take some classes on writing 101 so that bills aren’t so long that no normal person would ever read them (including several of them)?  Maybe they could stand up for what their constituents believe in for a while rather than relying on lobbyists and their political party to tell them how to think?

I think CEO’s and corporate board members generally think too much of themselves.  They are normal people, just like you and me.  They aren’t even any better educated than many of us.  I respect the ones who created their companies a lot more, but most of them did not.  Why do we allow them to be paid so much?  Why aren’t their pay and benefits based on the long-term success of the company rather than the current year or even quarter?

And, yes, if I see you being bullied or treated unfairly, I will take up for you.  But I also think you should know something that we all have to learn at some point - life is not fair.

Twenty years and counting...

I like statistics.  To me, numbers have a way of making sense that people (myself included) never seem to.  Numbers geek that I am, I know that I have an average of 37 visitors to this blog, but I also know that it's counting me, my mom, and a few good friends who have the patience to read the ones that don't even interest them very much.  It also seems to be dropping off over time - like anything else, interest wanes and you get busy doing other things - I get that.  I think it's good for me regardless, so on I go.

And yes, this post is going to have a lot of numbers, so hang on tight!  The middle of this month marks 20 years of marriage for Darrell and I, and by the end of the month, he'll be 41 years old along with me.  It got me to wondering where we fit in with the general US population, and thanks to the Census Bureau and various reports on their data, I learned a few things.

First I speculated that divorce rates go down as length of marriage increases, and ta-da, I found the nifty chart above to support my hypothesis!  The cumulative percent divorced essentially flattens after 30 years of marriage, and it's also a lot less steep after 15 to 20 years.  Does that mean I'm safe and can lean back and take my marriage for granted now?  No way!  It has been hard work at times along the way, and while my marriage has generally gotten easier over the years, I don't expect it to ever not take hard work to keep it going strong.

Darrell and I got married at a young age compared to just about anyone else I know, except my parents.  I was 21 (21.4 if you want to compare to the numbers quoted below) and he was 20 (but it would round to 21.0 if you want to compare).  Sure enough, I found a table with the estimated median age of first marriages for men and women by year, with data from 1890 through 2011.  I will spare you the entire chart, but in the year we were married, 1992, the average median age at first marriage for women was 24.4 and men was 26.5.  In 1956, we would have been pretty average (20.1 for women; 22.5 for men), but in 2011, we would have been even more weird than we were (26.5 for women; 28.7 for men).  If you didn't notice, the trend is for couples in the US to get married at older and older ages.

I also wondered what the overall probability of a first marriage lasting 20 years is (I know it sounds absurd to you that anyone would wonder about probabilities, but seriously, I do).  And I found it:  52% for women and 56% for men among 15 to 44-year-olds who married at age 24 or younger.

Suffice it to say that we've made it to a place that many couples do not, and I'm proud of that.  I'm not sure the things I write in this blog help others, but I know that it helps me, and maybe someday some of what I've learned about marriage in the past 20 years will help my children, too.  I certainly hope so.

Everybody has issues...

My body makes cysts.  I had a cyst in my left ear removed when I was three.  I've had tubal cysts and breast cysts (in addition to other benign lumps).  I had cystic acne from my teens through my thirties.  When most women find a lump in their breast, they worry about the possibilities of breast cancer.  The good thing is that I've really never worried about that, but only because it always turns out to be a benign lump or cyst for me.  Still not fun, but very much not life-threatening.

By far the worst of all this was the acne.  You see, I didn't have the kind that was from not washing my face well, being too harsh when I washed, eating the wrong foods, or any of that.  It didn't matter what I did or tried - it just wouldn't go away.  I visited the dermatologist regularly.  I used just about every kind of medication that they try for it, including daily antibiotics and Accutane.  Sometimes it would get better for a while, but I have the scars to prove that it just kept coming back.  Other kids probably thought I just wasn't taking good enough care of my skin, and yes, a few mean ones even made fun of me for it.  And I didn't have the kind of acne that just looks bad - it sometimes really hurt and the ones that were more like cysts were deep and could last for months at a time.  I'll spare you the details, but it was quite frankly pretty awful.  I was the girl in school who used makeup and hairstyles to cover up, not to even try to be in style or beautiful.  Concealer, foundation, and bangs were my dear friends, and I didn't leave home without them.

I was already shy before any of this started, but I can assure you that it magnified that and squelched any confidence I might have had as a teenager.  I had a few really good friends in high school, but mostly I hated the whole experience.  I somehow managed to have several boyfriends.  I was lucky enough to look pretty good in other ways - not too heavy and not too thin, average height, blonde hair, green eyes - and I was intelligent.  Of course, I was also the only person I know of to graduate with a GPA over 3.9 (out of 4) who didn't get invited into National Honor Society, but that just made me hope that everyone noticed the highest honors sash without the NHS patch at high school graduation.  And except on my bad days, that seemed like a fair enough trade.

Until recently, my body always healed well, too.  My eyes healed TOO quickly when I had PRK (like Lasik) vision correction surgery.  And I get pregnant easily, even with a husband that who had a 50% chance of being sterile by the time we tried.  I'm proof that the pill works well for years (with all the caveats about taking it correctly and using something else when on an antibiotic, of course).  This may also sound strange, but I think all of these are somehow related.  My body makes cells well, and at least so far, noncancerous ones.  Sometimes they are totally useless cells that make up cysts, but still. 

So now, years later, I feel lucky to have had horrible acne.  Despite it, I look younger than my age.  I have two of the most perfect (to me) children I could have ever imagined.  I have a husband who loves my inner beauty at least as much as what's on the inside, and I don't doubt that he always will.  I'm healthy enough to run regularly.  It doesn't hurt that it has finally, after 40, the acne has almost gone away.  It wasn't much better in my 20s the way everyone said it would be.  But it also seemed like I gradually got over it first, and then it really started going away.  And sometimes I wonder if that was the point.  I still get the occasional pimple and probably always will, but that is so much easier to deal with than breakouts all over my face.  And it taught me a lot.  How to overcome a trial - it sounds kind of trivial now, looking back, but for years I thought this really was the "thorn in my flesh" to deal with and learn to overcome.  Now, I can do things I was scared to death to do in my teens and 20s.  And it made later things easier to deal with, I think.  Like when my second child stretched my belly button beyond recognition and gave me stretch marks.  I made the best of what I had and since I didn't wear bikinis before kids, it didn't really hurt my wardrobe choices either.

I'm convinced that everyone has something they are insecure about, and for women at least, it usually has something to do with our bodies.  I feel like it took me years, but that I've let it go.  I couldn't have written about this five years ago, and to talk about it probably would have made me cry (if not in front of you, at least by myself later).  I think letting it go has made my life richer, including my marriage.  I don't want to imply that I have it all together now or that I think I look spectacular, but I'm finally confident in my own skin, and that's a great feeling.

And I think you can have that, too.  If you don't already, I hope you have great relationships (with God, family, and friends) that can get you there.

Create special memories in the midst of the every day routine

It can be so easy to get caught up in the mundaneness of every day.  One kid needs to be at soccer practice and the other needs to be picked up from band practice at the same time.  That means the parents divide and conquer for the third time (or more) that week.  We eat dinner in shifts.  We pass each other with a quick reminder about who needs to be where when.  And if a late meeting or other last-minute issue comes up, it gets even worse.  I'm sure Darrell and I aren't the only ones this happens to.  Some weeks it seems like we just do what we have to do to get through the week.

And that's ok sometimes, but I don't think it's ok if this is your married life each and every week, year after year.  Sometimes we've had to make decisions about letting our kids participate in fewer activities.  I've had to drop out of book club.  Darrell doesn't get to work on the RV as much as he'd like.  There are times that the house has gone longer than it should without a good cleaning and the grass is a little longer than our neighbors would prefer.  But, sometimes, catching a breath and doing something with all four of us together is much more important than anything else.  We reconnect by playing a board game, taking a drive, going out on our very cheap, very little boat, or maybe even just something as simple as watching a movie together.

I want our kids to be well-rounded.  We stress working hard in school.  I want them to get enough physical activity.  But I have no aspirations that either will make careers out of their extracurricular activities or head to the Olympics someday.  It will be even more important that they remember special times with us.

And it's also important for us to sometimes be alone without the kids.  One of the things I am most grateful for in my life is the long-standing marriage of my parents and Darrell's.  They've shown us that long marriages are possible, and can even be happy, even in this day of high divorce rates and young people putting off marriage for years in favor of just living together.  I want that legacy for my children, too.

Darrell and I get about a week a year alone, without the kids.  And I cherish it.  Sometimes we get to go someplace new.  A cruise around Hawaii for our 15th anniversary was spectacular, but the trip to WV to go whitewater rafting and on a train ride just last week was really nice, too.  Some of the time we are just home alone, getting a foreshadowing of what life will be like again in about 10 years.  We go out alone about once a month.  We often stay up late talking after the kids are in bed. 

Memories don't have to be from elaborate vacations (although I'd be one of the first to admit that every once in a while, it's really nice).  But they do need to be created, together.  Good luck creating yours!

Take a trip down memory lane...

Sometimes, to get where you want to go in life, it's a good idea to remember where you've already been.  Somebody much more famous than me probably already said that, and I tried to give them credit but couldn't find it on Google.  I think sometimes, we do a pretty good job at making goals for ourselves or our marriage, but feel like we aren't getting anywhere.  The day to day of work, raising kids, getting through illnesses, and just living life make us feel like we're on a hamster wheel and not getting anywhere.  Hamsters don't seem to mind, but we do.

But, if you take a look back and take stock of what you've accomplished in the last few years (and yes, once you hit 40 you may want to just look back at the last decade or two while you're at it), you may be surprised. 

If you asked me today if I've been making progress towards my goals for my life, for my marriage, for my relationship with God and with friends and others, I'd probably say no.  But, if I take a few more minutes to think about it and remember where I was five or ten years ago, I would have to admit that I am making progress, even if it's not always as fast as I'd like.  Sometimes it seems like there are setbacks in one area while I'm making progress in another, but I think that's human, too.  And it's ok.

I like to look back at old pictures and videos.  When it involves my kids, I may get misty eyed, but it gives me a chance to see their cute little faces again.  And believe me, after my teenager back-talks or rolls her eyes at me or my younger one whines for no good reason, I sometimes need to remember the younger versions of each of them to keep my cool.  I'm also the picture-taker of the family though, so unless I'm asking someone else to snap a shot, I'm not in a whole lot of pictures with my kids and hubby.  I do ask even random passers-by to help out and take a picture though more often than I used to, because I want the kids to see that I was there, too.  I want to be present in their lives.  Actually, that might even be one of my goals - to continue to be present in their lives even as they push me away more in the teenage years.

But it's part of the same thing - taking stock in where we've come from.  I think it's important.  Darrell and I just sit and talk sometimes about how we were when we were dating or early on in marriage.  There are things we miss about having lots of time just for us, but we've grown up a lot, too, so there are plenty of things we don't miss - things we used to argue about and struggle with, for instance. And looking back over what we've had over the years helps us look forward to a time when we'll live alone again.  I love my kids.  I'll help them out all I can, but I certainly plan to give them wings to fly on their own.

So, take a trip down memory lane with your spouse now and then, or even on your own.  I think you'll be glad you did.

Laugh a little!

Darrell and I are typically fairly serious, straight-laced people.  You know that rebellious, teenage phase?  Yeah, Darrell and I didn't have it.  The closest we got to breaking rules in school was not trying hard enough sometimes to keep people from copying off of us.  The worst offense I can think of against my parents is watching an R-rated movie and telling them I'd watched a PG movie instead when I was with my then-boyfriend and another couple who all wanted to see the R-rated movie.

I think a lot of people believe that if you're like us, you don't have much fun.  But believe it or not, we do.  We laugh, we hang out with friends, we love our kids unconditionally, etc.  We just do it without getting drunk, while being honest, and while keeping our morals intact.  Weird, I know.

So, sometimes I have to remind myself to not take things too seriously, and I guess it's probably the same for Darrell.  Luckily, we have each other to do that.

Darrell doesn't laugh a lot, but I love to hear it when he does.  And he knows how to make me laugh, saying things that most people might not even find funny.  We have inside jokes that I won't share here.  We think it's hilarious to kiss in front of our teenage daughter so that she goes running from the room, saying "Eeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!".  We have a similar sense of humor.

So, go ahead, laugh a little - at each other, with each other, whatever.  Just laugh!

The right kind of jealousy is a good thing.

I think jealousy gets a bad rap.  There is a type of jealousy that I think is good, something you actually want in a relationship.  The Bible tells us that God is a jealous God.  I used to wonder about that.  I mean, as kids weren't we all taught that it was wrong to be jealous?  We know that envy is bad, and really isn't jealousy just a synonym of envy?

But I also know that one of the first signs that I loved Darrell was when I was a little jealous of another girl who I could tell liked him. My college roommate was quick to let the girl know that he was already taken. Darrell acted like he didn't even know. But, that little spike of jealousy told me something important. This was a man I wanted all to myself; I didn't want to share. And that's ok. I'd even argue that it's healthy.

I'm certainly not advocating that either spouse actively do something to make the other one jealous. I've seen that behavior, and it just isn't nice. But, don't ever sell yourself short by settling for someone you've never been jealous to lose.

Just Do It!

It's not just for Nike commercials, but for me at least, it cuts two different ways.

On the one hand, there are a lot of things that I really don't want to do from day to day, but I know I need to.  I could just lie in bed and pretend that no one is depending on me, but unless I'm REALLY sick (and as a mom, that has to include symptoms like throwing up, having fevered hallucinations, etc.), I don't do that.  None of us like everything we have to do.  I love being a mother, but from day-to-day, there are things I don't like about it.  I love being married to Darrell, but there are days I really just don't even want to be nice to him.  I like having friends, but there are days I don't even want to leave my house to see any of them, let alone be nice to them or do something for them.  You get the picture.

I personally have two solutions to this dilemma:  Pray, and then, just do it!  And I'm usually a lot happier for having done it anyway.

On the other hand, there are a lot of things that I want to do "someday" or just when I have more time.  I want to play a board game with the kids.  I want to snuggle with each of them in bed.  I want to read more often to my son and maybe even try to get my teenage daughter to let me read to her.  But there never seems to be enough time in the day, especially at the end of it.  There's always another load of laundry, something else that needs cleaned, a report that needs to be written, a neat tech article or next chapter in a book that I want to read, etc.  But sometimes I have to just set all that aside to do what my kids will remember more.  And sometimes I do, but probably not often enough.

I always had in the back of my mind that I wanted to run a marathon before I turned 40.  This from a woman who'd given up running and gained 30 pounds over 15 or so years.  But, one day, after working up to it slowly over a year and a half, I finally did it.  And I had about one year to spare.

There are so many places and things I want to see, and some that I want to show my kids, too.  I want to go on another cruise, but Darrell doesn't.  I want all of us to see the Grand Canyon and for the kids to get to see Niagara Falls.  I want my daughter to get to go to Europe at a much younger age than I did (my 30's).  So, there are times I need to just take the leap, even when it seems like time and finances won't allow.  A friend invited me on a cruise this fall.  I'm going, and I can't wait.  It conveniently gets Darrell out of going on one with me and saves a lot of money doing it this way, too.  I get to hang out with some really great ladies for a week, all kid-free.

And as for the Grand Canyon, Niagara Falls, and Europe...  I don't have solid plans yet, but there will come a day I'll decide, and hopefully "just do it" while we still have the chance.

What about Dad?

In general, I don't think dads are given the credit or even the chance they deserve in raising kids.  I know and respect that there are definitely situations where the dad can't be fully involved or even present in raising kids, but that doesn't make it an any less important job than motherhood. 

I can't imagine what it would have been like to grow up without my dad.  He taught me to stick with things I'd committed to, even when the going got tough.  He encouraged me, rode a bicycle beside me sometimes when I ran, came to my track and cross country meets, watched me perform in dance recitals, band, etc.  He's not the easiest man to talk to, but he was always there for me.  I watched him overcome his own struggles, from injuries to succeeding at an entirely new career.  He showed me by example that you can do things on your own and with the help of a supportive family that seem impossible at the time.  I love him for all of this and so much more.

I can't imagine raising my kids without Darrell.  I'll be the first to admit that sometimes I find myself thinking that he doesn't do enough helping out with the kids.  And then he goes on a business trip, or I take the kids somewhere without him.  He changed diapers even though he didn't want to, sometimes he was the only one who could get Hunter to go to sleep as a baby, and he brought each kid to me in the middle of the night to nurse (he's a much lighter sleeper than I).  When I leave him alone with the kids, he doesn't do things my way, and it took me a while to figure out that my way wasn't the only right way.  They shower less often when I'm away, eat out more, and stay up later.  But, they do all that with a daddy who loves them unconditionally, just like I do. 

I am so grateful not to be a single parent.  Thank you, Dad and Darrell.  Thank you to all of the wonderful dads out there.  Happy Father's Day!

What makes us fall in love?

I watched a movie last night that really got me to wondering about what makes us fall in love in the first place.  And then, what (besides hard work and determination) keeps love going over years of marriage.

Darrell and I met so young that we didn't have time for many prior relationships or baggage going into our relationship.  I did have some dating experiences in high school that certainly helped shape what I was looking for in a man though.  I always found it much easier talking to boys that I didn't know well than striking up a conversation with similar girls.  I wasn't one of the pretty, popular girls.  I was a geek (not to be confused with a nerd, as I try to explain to my teenage daughter).  Perhaps worse, I was a band geek.  Oh, and I had a pretty bad case of acne all through high school, too.  But I also ran track and cross country.  Band and running put me into contact with boys who weren't in my classes, which was good, because the ones who copied off of me in class certainly weren't interested in asking me out. 

Luckily, I got to know some boys well enough and even started "dating" them before they found out how much higher my GPA was than theirs.  I'm not sure I was very nice, although I tried to be.  I broke up with boys for silly reasons.  And the one that I finally dated the longest broke my heart (as much as a 16-year-old's heart can be broken, which seemed extreme at the time but seems like nothing now).  But there were really only two guys I was ever attracted to enough to think I might spend the rest of my life with, and of course, one of them was Darrell.

I think of the little things that probably attracted me and still attract me to Darrell today, like his smell.  I've told him that I think I could identify him by smell alone, even though I can't describe what he smells like.  I do know that I find him less attractive when he eats too much garlic or works in the garage and comes in smelling like gasoline or chemicals.  Even after two decades plus together, I still sometimes smell his towel hanging in the bathroom, or pick up a t-shirt he wore to bed the night before just to smell it.  Is that weird?

There is touch, of course, and various kinds of touch.  I dated a boy once in high school who was not a good kisser.  That's why I asked Darrell to kiss me before I broke up with my boyfriend from home.  As silly as that sounds, it meant something, and still means something today.  That first kiss wasn't perfect (sorry, Darrell, to put all that pressure on you), but it was good and quickly improved to great.  I've already talked about Darrell's hugs and how awesome they are.  He's also very good with his hands.  He looks like a strong guy, but he's always done detail work on car models, electronics, etc., so he knows how to be gentler than many men, I suspect.

Strangely enough, I was looking for a man of a certain height, I think.  My father is a little over six feet tall, and that seemed to be what I was attracted to.  Yes, Darrell and my dad are within about an inch in height.  When we slow dance, hug, or snuggle, I fit right up against his shoulder.  When we stand and kiss, I have to stand on tip-toe as he bends his head down.  When we spoon in bed, his chin rests over my head and his feet are below mine - I feel completely protected. 

Intellectual traits mattered, too.  I wanted someone I could really talk to.  Darrell talks a lot more than most men I know.  He's also very intelligent.  He's the only guy I dated that I was sure was smarter than I was (not that there aren't plenty out there, but the book-smart guys at my high school were usually more popular or just plain not interested in me).  But, there are things that I do better and know better than he does also.  I like that we complement each other so well.  Oh, and if you know us both well and you're reading this, please don't tell Darrell that I said he's smarter than I am ; )

I think it's a combination of so many tiny things that make us fall in love.  It's like a puzzle, and the really lucky ones complete most or the entire puzzle by being together.  I feel like I'm one of the really lucky ones.

It's a matter of principle

I'm not sure it's very popular to have a conscience based on strong principles anymore.  I've always been a rule-follower.  I liked the structure of school and excelled at it.  I was a good test-taker.  But early on it was a matter of following the rules mostly just for the sake of not standing out and doing what I was supposed to do.  As I got older though, I developed a sense of what was right and wrong, and applied my love of structure to trying hard to uphold the principles I'd developed.

One of those that we instill the most in our two children is honesty.  Both kids know that they will get in a lot more trouble for lying about something than for coming to us and admitting that they did something wrong.  I've been very encouraged to hear stories from their teachers about how each of them has confessed to something even at school.  I'm fairly sure I wouldn't have done the same at their age.  My mother will freely tell you that I was a very good kid growing up, but on the rare occasions I did break the rules, I don't think I told teachers or my parents.  My kids each have their own faults, but I like that they do better at this than I did, and I hope and pray that they are developing their own good consciences. 

I believe there are some things you just shouldn't do.  I also believe that just about everyone can be forgiven, if they want forgiveness.  It helps a lot in marriage to adhere to some basic principles. Here are just a few of mine.

Don't cheat, ever.  I'll admit that I completely don't understand the concept of an open marriage, and I'm glad that I don't.  I think the best idea is to not even put yourself in the position to be tempted to cheat.  As I mentioned, I've learned these principles over time, so I have messed up on this one exactly twice (but never in my marriage to Darrell).  In high school I once held hands with another boy while dating someone else.  And I asked Darrell to kiss me (and of course he complied) before breaking up with my boyfriend back home.  That's it, probably doesn't even sound very juicy to most of you.  But I'm still not proud of either, and vowed never to let anything like that happen again.  And that is probably one of the best things about our marriage.  I'm careful about the way I even hug any other man.  Darrell is probably even more careful in the presence of other women.  We trust each other completely.

No name calling.  It's ok to argue, but it's not ok to call each other names or be completely disrespectful while arguing.  Darrell used to resort to name-calling from time to time early in our marriage.  And I would sometimes throw names right back at him, or just completely lose respect for him in that moment and show it.  I finally learned to instead just let him know that it was completely unacceptable to call me names.  It took me a while to learn how to handle that, and for him to learn how to change.  But, thankfully, that hasn't happened in a long, long time.

Decide that whatever the problem, you can work it through together.

And, perhaps most importantly, pray about your marriage often.

What are some of the principles most important to your marriage?

Absence makes the heart grow fonder

One of the ways I knew I really loved Darrell was to be away from him.  New love is a little overwhelming.  We both wanted to be together as often as possible.  We ate together, we walked to classes together, and we probably nauseated our roommates and others on our floor by being together so often. 

But we also had to be apart sometimes early on in our relationship, and it gave me a lot of time to think.  I tried imagining my future without Darrell.  I tried imagining my future with him.  By the time I was imagining what our future kids would look like, I'm pretty sure I knew this was the guy I wanted to share the rest of my life with.

I'm not afraid to be without Darrell from time to time.  I go on trips, whether for business or just alone with the kids, without him.  Darrell has moved to a different state in advance of us a few times.  I like GNO's from time to time.  I'm somewhat of an introvert, so there are even times I crave being completely alone for a while.  But, if we are apart for more than a day or so, I miss Darrell.  I find myself wishing he were in the same room to tell him something.  I find myself realizing that he helps out with the kids more than I sometimes give him credit for when we are together.  I just miss knowing that he is close by.

I've never understood those couples you hear about that work together and are together constantly each and every day.  I've also never understood the couples I know of that seem to hardly spend any time together at all.

I think it's good for us to be apart for a little while sometimes, but definitely not for too long either.  Maybe a better title for this post would be:  Absence, in small doses, makes the heart grow fonder.

Love what you have

Love what you already have.  It sounds so simple, doesn't it?  But I remember wanting so much more than that. 

As a kid, I was in a hurry to grow up.  It seemed like I was the last kid alive to get a 2-wheeled bike and learn to ride it (I was 7).  It seemed like I was the last girl to have her first boyfriend (I was a freshman in high school).  I wanted to go to college.  I wanted a husband, a career, a nice house, and a family.  I was a good kid - my mom will even tell you so.  I worked hard.  God was good to me.  I got it all.

It didn't all work out exactly as I imagined, but I did get all that I wanted and so much more.  But even as a young adult, I remember wanting more, and more, and more.  We got our first house when Darrell and I were only 22 years old, barely out of college.  We had good jobs.  But I wanted a bigger house.  Darrell wanted nicer cars.  It never seemed like we had quite enough.

A funny thing started happening a few years ago though.  I started to feel like I had everything I wanted, except the time to enjoy it all.  It's funny how things all work out sometimes.  But, sometimes, you have to give up a little of what you have to keep and appreciate the rest.  I had what I wanted, but I worked so much that all my son wanted at the time was more of me.

I'm not saying that I have it all figured out yet, but I quit the job that was consuming too much of me.  I started a business that was successful for one year, but not so much the second year.  And then I quit that, too.  But it doesn't feel like I gave anything up or quit.  My life is still very full.  I'm giving some extra time to my kids, to my husband, to just living for a while.  And then I'll look for a new job this fall, and hope that the balance works out better this time.

And in the meantime, I don't want a bigger house anymore.  I don't want better behaved kids.  I don't want a husband who cooks, cleans, and does my every bidding in addition to having a good job and fixing stuff around the house.  I don't want a job making six figures.  I want my imperfect husband, kids, friends, and pets.  I want my lived-in comfy house.  I want to find a job, but only if it adds to my life rather than taking away from my family.  I want and love what I already have, maybe even too much sometimes.

But that's a subject for another post...

Let it go...

Sometimes, one or the other of you is going to just plain mess up, do the wrong thing, or hurt the other in some way.  I know Darrell and I each certainly have.  And even when you think you've forgiven the other person, it can be tough to really let it go.

I don't even have really great suggestions for how to not only forgive, but also let it go.  I can tell you that the two things I think that have helped me with this are:  to pray about the situation and for God's help; and, I almost hate to put this in the same sentence, but the other is just getting older.

See, I kind of like my 40's so far.  I don't seem to stress as much about little slights that I'm sure I've caused other people, and I also don't get so hurt by the little things that everyone else does.  I forgive myself and I forgive others much more easily than I used to.  And, really, I think it's at least in part because I've just gotten older, experienced more, and finally realized that we really all do make mistakes, and no matter how hard we try or how much grace God gives us, we continue to make mistakes.  Even when I think I've over come one problem, it either comes back up again maybe even years later, or a new personal problem seems to crop up in its place.  This used to drive me crazy.  Now, not so much.  I'm not saying I don't try to improve.  I just don't beat myself up about it so much along the way.

I learned something about myself recently though.  Although I am quick to forgive myself and others and seem to have an easier time letting go than I used to, I still have a tough time letting go of even small slights that come from corporations, or any kind of businesses that I deal with that do something I deem as wrong.  I'm still trying to figure out why that is, because it really only recently occurred to me that I'm this way.  I think Darrell is also.  I think it's part of why he left five different companies and we moved from state to state before finally finding a job that he liked.  So, I have more to mull over.

In the meantime, I'm going to forgive my husband for leaving junk out all over the kitchen counter the past few days.  That I can handle.

Understand when it's just a misunderstanding

Darrell has a cold.  His voice sounds totally different than normal (at least to me).  A friend said that he has a "deep, sexy voice" right now, but to me, he just sounds different.  It's funny how accustomed to someone you can get after more than 20 years together.  I didn't even realize how much meaning I put just into the tone of his voice.  Usually, I'm pretty accurate.  I can tell within a few seconds if Darrell is upset, stressed, hurt, happy, etc.  Sometimes I can tell just by looking at him, but once he says a few words, I'm sure.  But today, we ended up in an argument, in large part because I thought he was being a jerk, not so much based on what he was saying, but the way I thought he was saying it.  Once I stopped and thought about it, I realized that most of the reason was just because his voice sounds so different right now.  I don't think he meant to sound mean (which he said at the time, but I guess I just didn't believe him).  Anyway, I learned a new lesson today through this.  Sometimes it surprises me that I can learn new things about a relationship after so long, but I often do.  That's just one of the many things that makes a long-term marriage interesting.  I like it.  I think I'll keep him : )

Be each other's biggest fan

I think I've mentioned that Darrell and I don't have all of the same interests.  We each have several hobbies, but they don't overlap a lot.  We are each good at different things.  But, while we might work and pursue some interests separately, we cheer for each other more than anyone else.  Sometimes, we really appreciate what the other has done or is accomplishing.  Sometimes, we at least understand that it has taken a lot of work.  And, sometimes, we just fake it, and that's ok, too (although if that's always the case, I suspect it could be indicative of a problem).

Darrell and I even have what we call "oooh and ahhh" duty.  If one of us has, say, refinished four kitchen chairs with countless hours of sanding and four coats of Tung oil, the other might be expected to frequently admire the progress.  If the other has purchased a ride-on mower for only $250 and sands off the rust spots and repaints it and gets it running again, the one may be expected to comment on how it looks and what a good deal he got, even though she doesn't understand what was wrong with the riding mower he already had.  Hypothetically, of course...

Everyone needs someone to cheer for them, and sometimes Darrell is my only cheering section.  I love that about him.  And I love that I get to share this life and cheer for him, too.  I may not always appreciate what he does, but I like to think that I'm always his biggest fan.

It Starts with Mothers

Have you ever wondered why life starts within our bodies, why we carry that precious life for nine months before we even get to meet those precious little people that become our children?  It's so amazing.  There are so many reasons that I believe in God, but the miracle of creating life within me is certainly one of them.

It all starts with moms.  I didn't really know how much my mom loved me until I had a child of my own.  She told me that you love your kids more than your husband.  What I ended up learning is that it is a completely different kind of love than the love for your spouse.  I really don't think now that one is stronger than the other, but they are just so different.  I would step in front of a train, a bullet, or any other danger to protect my child.  I would expect Darrell to protect himself.  It would be very hard, but I think I could live without Darrell.  I can't even begin to imagine how I could live without my kids - if I lost one of them I think I'd go on somehow for the other; if I lost both, well, I can't even bring myself to think about that.  On the other hand, I am raising these children to go out into the world on their own, while I am loving my husband to live with for the rest of our lives.  By loving Darrell, I show my children what a good marriage can be, and hope and pray that they each find exceptional mates of their own.  The two loves are different, but just as important.

When you have one child, you can't imagine that you could love the next as much.  You worry that you'll be taking something away from the first child.  And if you wait several years between the two like we did, maybe you worry about it more than some do.  But then, almost magically, your mother love expands the minute you see that second child.  And, suddenly, you realize that this love is just as strong.  It's ok even to love your two children a little differently - they are different people after all.  But  you love them just as much.  It's amazing, really.

My mother gave me so much, without asking for anything in return.  She was still a teenager when I was born.  And although happily married, she dropped out of college for me.  She didn't get to go back to finish college until I was in middle school.  I'm sure a lot of her dreams were put on hold, maybe even given up entirely, just for me.  I can't remember ever wanting for anything.  I could ask for whatever I wanted for Christmas, and then I'd get it.  She even let Santa get me all the good stuff.  She made great dinners, sent me off to school in cute clothes, kissed my "boo boos", gave us a great home, and took my sister and I to church even though our dad did not go with us.  She was overprotective of us, so I wasn't allowed to do a lot of the things my friends were.  That may sound negative, but looking back, I realize that I easily avoided trouble that I may have found otherwise.  She gave us responsibilities at home including keeping our rooms tidy and helpling clean the house.  And I didn't even know to appreciate any of this until I had a child of my own at age 27.

And that man I love so much?  The one I've called husband for nearly 20 years?  He has a wonderful mother.  Many of the great qualities I love in him came from her.  She wanted him for so long, trying to get pregnant for several years.  I'm sure she gave as much of herself to her son and daughter as my mother gave to us.  She tried to continue teaching for a while after finally having kids, but then gave that up to be home with her kids.  She's not a natural cook, but she provided well-balanced meals for her family anyway.  She insisted on moving away from the city so that they could have a better home on the river.  She was frugal, not even buying things I'm sure she wanted, so that her kids could go to college and not worry about having to pay anything for it.  You never have to worry about clean clothes in her house, and when she visits us, she is likely to fold any clothes she might find lingering in my dryer.  She raised a wonderful son, and then gave him away to me without question.

Thank you, Mom.  I can't imagine where I'd be without you.  You gave me everything and more. 

And thank you to the other lady I've come to also call "Mom", the wonderful mother of my husband.

Show me the money!

I think because we married so young, there are a lot of approaches to life that Darrell and I kind of stumbled into together.  Don't get me wrong, we both thought we had everything planned, but two kids barely out of their teens know a lot less about life than they think they do.  Our approach to managing our finances is a great example of this.

We were very lucky.  We got married just before our senior year of college, and Darrell's parents gave us the balance of his college savings account to live on that year.  My parents also gave us a few hundred dollars a month up until graduation, and then gave us the balance of my college savings account as well.  I managed a part-time job tutoring up to ten hours a week, but Darrell carried more credit hours in engineering and spent more time on homework and projects than I had to, so he didn't have a job during college.  We also received gifts of money and savings bonds as wedding gifts, which we were smart enough to put away and save long-term.  We both had full-tuition scholarships, and I had another small scholarship that covered my books and some fees.  Anyway, all of this gave us enough money to pay rent and utilities, buy food, fix what we had to in the mobile home we lived in, and even have a little spending money now and then.  It also meant that we were able to graduate without any debt, and put down a small down payment on our first house.  We didn't go on much of a honeymoon, but I wouldn't change a thing - If I had to do it over, if anything I would have married Darrell sooner - I still wouldn't wait until we graduated.

I'm not sure which of us I expected to manage our daily finances once we married.  We'd each been managing our own small checking and savings accounts up until then, and decided we would combine our accounts.  It's not like there was really all that much to combine anyway.  We had discussed a lot before marriage, and knew each other quite well, but I really did not realize that those glances Darrell gave to his ATM receipts after withdrawing cash were his way of balancing his checking account.  Apparently, his approach before we married was to call his dad when the balance ran low.

I guess that approach worked ok when his dad was managing his college savings fund.  Darrell was fairly responsible and not just out spending the money on frivolous things (if you don't count the motorcycle he also talked his dad into buying for him).  But, now we were managing what was left of that money.  When you put it together with what my parents were giving us and what I earned tutoring, I knew it should get us through senior year and maybe even carry us through a few months of job-hunting after.  But, if we weren't careful, there could be problems.  And I certainly didn't feel comfortable balancing our accounts by ATM receipts!  Had this crazy guy I'd just married never heard of banking errors???

I think I might have even worried that if I insisted on taking over managing our finances, it might cause an argument, but I don't think Darrell minded a bit.  I remember it being a pretty simple discussion, and after that first month of seeing how he did it and watching him pay bills, I just started doing it instead.  We've always had all combined accounts since then, and I've always managed the day-to-day finances.  Darrell does seem more interested in our long-term retirement savings and 401K's, so he has taken to managing that.  As for our regular checking and savings account, Darrell only thinks about it at all when I tell him our finances are tight or when he needs me to give him a check in the rare event he needs to write one.  We have a certain dollar amount that each of us will spend without discussing it first (not including all of the recurring expenses like bills and groceries that I pay), but if either of us is considering a gift, something extra for the kids, or something for us that is higher, we discuss it first to make sure we both agree and that it fits in our budget.

I think we could both do better managing our money, but I also think we get a lot for what we do spend.  We are both big on shopping sales, clearances, and garage/yard sales.  When out shopping with us, our kids have known almost since they could talk that they were much more likely to get us to say yes to purchasing something for them on a great sale or clearance.  It was even a little embarrassing when our daughter was small and would tell anyone anything, including random people in Target who she had to tell all about the little trinket she had in the cart with her that her mommy was buying for her because it had the orange sticker.  Point is, we get good deals, but we are also both shoppers, so we should probably buy a lot less than we do.

I wouldn't say that either Darrell or I are qualified to give financial management advice, but we have found a system for managing our personal finances that works well for us, and that is important for any good marriage.

Simplify the Equation

I like algebra, calculus and statistics.  I can simplify fractions and polynomials, all while actually enjoying it.  I like to look at satisfaction trends, and dig into the other numbers and comments from a survey to come up with an explanation.  I somehow thought those things might translate well into an engineering degree in college.  They didn't, but I did get a math and stats degree.  Yes, I'm a geek, Darrell's a geek (actually, he's closer to a full-fledged nerd), and we are trying very hard to raise geeky children, but I digress.

Darrell and I decided before we even married that divorce was not an option.  Now, I've seen lots of cases of divorce being the right thing, or at least that it worked out well later on.  But, for me, there are only two reasons that I would divorce Darrell:  1. if he beat the kids or me; 2. if he cheated on me.  After 20 years, so far, so good on those two.  I know of couples who live together for a while after getting divorced.  I'm not saying that there aren't reasons for this, but if I ever want to divorce Darrell, he's going to need to move far, far away, because I'm going to want very badly to hurt him physically.  I don't admire that about myself, but I know that it's true.  Of course, go back to those two reasons being the only ones, and it might make a little more sense.

We both have examples of long marriages in our families.  I won't say that they are perfect marriages, just like I won't say that my marriage is perfect either.  But they stayed together and are committed to each other to this day.  My parents went through getting married as teenagers, having a daughter before either of them would be legally allowed to drink a beer today, going through a long layoff and a few career changes for my dad, my mom going back to school to become a teacher, taking many years to build their dream home because they could not afford to do it quickly, and raising my nephew just to name a few things.  Darrell's parents went through getting married right before his dad went off to fight in Vietnam, several years of infertility, his mother having (and surviving!) cancer when the kids were young, moving and uprooting two middle school kids, and surviving and learning to enjoy being retired together.

And that's the kind of legacy Darrell and I want to leave for our kids.  Divorce just isn't an option.  We've simplified the equation.  We just have to make it work, and so we do.  And you know what?  We're very happy, too.  Maybe not every day, but overall, this is the happiest marriage and happiest life I ever could have imagined.

Learn to Hug

I think hugging is a very under-rated skill.  I am quite sure that one of the reasons I fell in love with Darrell is because he is the best hugger I've ever met.  He has strong arms and I melt right into his shoulder.  If he is hugging me, I feel confident in that moment that nothing in this world can hurt me.  I can sometimes tell just by his hug whether he is happy, worried, upset, etc.

Kissing is nice, and we're not afraid to kiss in front of the kids - it's actually become a fun way to watch our teenager run from the room screaming "eeeeeeewww!!!!!".  And yes, sex is important to a good marriage.  But, hugging is the thing I don't think I could give up, and the form of contact I know that I would miss from him the most if I lost Darrell.

It's also one of those things you don't even know is great until you experience it.  My family isn't big into hugging.  And I have lots of memories of awkward hugs with a great aunt who put a lot of love into it, but it just seemed embarrassing to me.  Darrell's parents even hugged me the first time we met, and I thought that was really weird.  But, I learned the value of a good hug from Darrell.  I don't hesitate often anymore to reach out and hug a friend.  I doubt that I'm as good as it as Darrell is, but I now know how much compassion can be included with a hug.  It's something you can give a relative, a friend, your kids, your spouse, or even a stranger in need that really lets them know you care. A hug is one of the few things you really can do for anyone.

And so, I'm sold.  I think hugging is one of the best physical expressions of love that we have.  And as soon as my hubby walks in the door today, I'm going to get one of the best hugs this world has to offer.  I may even try to get a hug out of my teenager.  I hope you have a good hugger, too.

Two Sinks in the Master Bathroom

Maybe it's just us, but our marriage works better with two sinks. 

In our first house, we had only one bathroom with a tiny sink.  I would typically start getting ready for bed first, and as you should know, this process is a little longer for women than men.  It never seemed to fail that somewhere in this process, Darrell would come into the bathroom to brush his teeth.  He'd start off behind me, then beside me, and I swear before I knew what was happening, he'd be in front of me and I'd be trying to figure out how to finish up without good access to the sink.

Now, I should also say that we've never had a closed door policy between us when it comes to the bathroom.  I have a theory on this that most good marriages are open enough that each partner can go to the bathroom comfortably with the other in the room.  It may take some time together before this is the case, but after several years together, do you ladies really think that he doesn't know what goes on in there?  I'm sure there are folks that could prove me wrong, but really, I don't want to go into enough details to prove my point anyway.

In our second house, we had multiple bathrooms, but the master bathroom was still very small with only one sink.  I have to admit that I love multiple bathrooms in a house anyway.  It's a luxury that many of us take for granted, but isn't it great when you stop to think about it?  My parents are currently remodeling their main bathroom.  Now, they have two others with toilets and one of the others has a bathtub, but no other shower.  Yes, folks, that means nearly a month of no real shower.  And I found myself thinking that I didn't know if I could put up with that, until I thought for a few minutes about all the people in the world who have so much less than that.  Yes, I need to be brought back down a few rungs every now and then.

Our third house had an even bigger luxury though - two sinks in the master bathroom.  Ah, this is what peaceful marriage is all about.  Darrell and I could each brush our teeth in the same bathroom, but at different sinks.  We could chat while getting ready for bed, without me wanting to throttle him for usurping my sink time.  Ah...

There are a lot of things we look for when buying a new house.  After all, we're on our sixth one.  But, I will tell you one that makes me happier than many other things - our two sinks in the master bathroom.  Just one little piece of our married bliss.

A Tale of Two Presents

Everything was going well leading up to our very first Valentine's Day together.  I'd broken up with the boyfriend back home months before.  Darrell and I spent more time together than I'd ever spent with another person not in my immediate family.  He'd given me a pretty ring for Christmas.  We'd basically already decided that marriage was in our future.  And he gave me the most wonderful Valentine's gift - a plaque that he engraved himself with my favorite Bible verses.

Fast forward one year.  He gave me a book for Valentine's Day.  I cried.  Although, looking back, there was really a lot more to it than that.

Darrell had been spending a lot of time on a big project for one of his classes.  There were days I wouldn't see him at all, times that he would even stay at the lab through the night and not call me.  I wasn't used to that, even after spending a summer apart.  I was getting used to my new major, and still wondering if I'd made the right decision in changing it.  We each had roommate issues and parent issues.  It seemed like we were going to have to wait to even get engaged.

While shopping together one day before Valentine's Day, I picked up a book and started looking through it.  It was a new book in a series I liked, but it was just now out in hardback, so I put it down, thinking I'd wait and buy it when it was out in paperback and cost less.  A few days later, that's what I got for Valentine's Day from Darrell, and I felt disappointed that he'd get me a book I didn't even care enough about to buy myself before the paperback came out, compared to the gift from the year before that he'd worked so hard on.  I think it just set off all of the other feelings I was having then, too.

From his perspective, he thought he was getting me something I really wanted, something that I thought was too expensive to buy for myself right then.  He knew already how much I loved to read.  He wanted to make me happy, and tears were the last thing he'd expected.  He has seldom bought me a book since then, only a few times as a Christmas present among other presents.  Looking back, I love him for the thought he put into it, but at the time, all I could do is cry, and probably not even do a very good job of explaining why.

We all speak at least a slightly different language.  We have different experiences before we meet, and we have different cues and body language to help bring meaning to our conversations and actions.  It takes a long time and a lot of hard work to learn to understand all of those in your spouse.  I can't guarantee that you will stay together for the long run if you don't fully commit to trying, but I can just about guarantee that you won't stay together (at least happily) if you don't.