Everybody has issues...

My body makes cysts.  I had a cyst in my left ear removed when I was three.  I've had tubal cysts and breast cysts (in addition to other benign lumps).  I had cystic acne from my teens through my thirties.  When most women find a lump in their breast, they worry about the possibilities of breast cancer.  The good thing is that I've really never worried about that, but only because it always turns out to be a benign lump or cyst for me.  Still not fun, but very much not life-threatening.

By far the worst of all this was the acne.  You see, I didn't have the kind that was from not washing my face well, being too harsh when I washed, eating the wrong foods, or any of that.  It didn't matter what I did or tried - it just wouldn't go away.  I visited the dermatologist regularly.  I used just about every kind of medication that they try for it, including daily antibiotics and Accutane.  Sometimes it would get better for a while, but I have the scars to prove that it just kept coming back.  Other kids probably thought I just wasn't taking good enough care of my skin, and yes, a few mean ones even made fun of me for it.  And I didn't have the kind of acne that just looks bad - it sometimes really hurt and the ones that were more like cysts were deep and could last for months at a time.  I'll spare you the details, but it was quite frankly pretty awful.  I was the girl in school who used makeup and hairstyles to cover up, not to even try to be in style or beautiful.  Concealer, foundation, and bangs were my dear friends, and I didn't leave home without them.

I was already shy before any of this started, but I can assure you that it magnified that and squelched any confidence I might have had as a teenager.  I had a few really good friends in high school, but mostly I hated the whole experience.  I somehow managed to have several boyfriends.  I was lucky enough to look pretty good in other ways - not too heavy and not too thin, average height, blonde hair, green eyes - and I was intelligent.  Of course, I was also the only person I know of to graduate with a GPA over 3.9 (out of 4) who didn't get invited into National Honor Society, but that just made me hope that everyone noticed the highest honors sash without the NHS patch at high school graduation.  And except on my bad days, that seemed like a fair enough trade.

Until recently, my body always healed well, too.  My eyes healed TOO quickly when I had PRK (like Lasik) vision correction surgery.  And I get pregnant easily, even with a husband that who had a 50% chance of being sterile by the time we tried.  I'm proof that the pill works well for years (with all the caveats about taking it correctly and using something else when on an antibiotic, of course).  This may also sound strange, but I think all of these are somehow related.  My body makes cells well, and at least so far, noncancerous ones.  Sometimes they are totally useless cells that make up cysts, but still. 

So now, years later, I feel lucky to have had horrible acne.  Despite it, I look younger than my age.  I have two of the most perfect (to me) children I could have ever imagined.  I have a husband who loves my inner beauty at least as much as what's on the inside, and I don't doubt that he always will.  I'm healthy enough to run regularly.  It doesn't hurt that it has finally, after 40, the acne has almost gone away.  It wasn't much better in my 20s the way everyone said it would be.  But it also seemed like I gradually got over it first, and then it really started going away.  And sometimes I wonder if that was the point.  I still get the occasional pimple and probably always will, but that is so much easier to deal with than breakouts all over my face.  And it taught me a lot.  How to overcome a trial - it sounds kind of trivial now, looking back, but for years I thought this really was the "thorn in my flesh" to deal with and learn to overcome.  Now, I can do things I was scared to death to do in my teens and 20s.  And it made later things easier to deal with, I think.  Like when my second child stretched my belly button beyond recognition and gave me stretch marks.  I made the best of what I had and since I didn't wear bikinis before kids, it didn't really hurt my wardrobe choices either.

I'm convinced that everyone has something they are insecure about, and for women at least, it usually has something to do with our bodies.  I feel like it took me years, but that I've let it go.  I couldn't have written about this five years ago, and to talk about it probably would have made me cry (if not in front of you, at least by myself later).  I think letting it go has made my life richer, including my marriage.  I don't want to imply that I have it all together now or that I think I look spectacular, but I'm finally confident in my own skin, and that's a great feeling.

And I think you can have that, too.  If you don't already, I hope you have great relationships (with God, family, and friends) that can get you there.

Create special memories in the midst of the every day routine

It can be so easy to get caught up in the mundaneness of every day.  One kid needs to be at soccer practice and the other needs to be picked up from band practice at the same time.  That means the parents divide and conquer for the third time (or more) that week.  We eat dinner in shifts.  We pass each other with a quick reminder about who needs to be where when.  And if a late meeting or other last-minute issue comes up, it gets even worse.  I'm sure Darrell and I aren't the only ones this happens to.  Some weeks it seems like we just do what we have to do to get through the week.

And that's ok sometimes, but I don't think it's ok if this is your married life each and every week, year after year.  Sometimes we've had to make decisions about letting our kids participate in fewer activities.  I've had to drop out of book club.  Darrell doesn't get to work on the RV as much as he'd like.  There are times that the house has gone longer than it should without a good cleaning and the grass is a little longer than our neighbors would prefer.  But, sometimes, catching a breath and doing something with all four of us together is much more important than anything else.  We reconnect by playing a board game, taking a drive, going out on our very cheap, very little boat, or maybe even just something as simple as watching a movie together.

I want our kids to be well-rounded.  We stress working hard in school.  I want them to get enough physical activity.  But I have no aspirations that either will make careers out of their extracurricular activities or head to the Olympics someday.  It will be even more important that they remember special times with us.

And it's also important for us to sometimes be alone without the kids.  One of the things I am most grateful for in my life is the long-standing marriage of my parents and Darrell's.  They've shown us that long marriages are possible, and can even be happy, even in this day of high divorce rates and young people putting off marriage for years in favor of just living together.  I want that legacy for my children, too.

Darrell and I get about a week a year alone, without the kids.  And I cherish it.  Sometimes we get to go someplace new.  A cruise around Hawaii for our 15th anniversary was spectacular, but the trip to WV to go whitewater rafting and on a train ride just last week was really nice, too.  Some of the time we are just home alone, getting a foreshadowing of what life will be like again in about 10 years.  We go out alone about once a month.  We often stay up late talking after the kids are in bed. 

Memories don't have to be from elaborate vacations (although I'd be one of the first to admit that every once in a while, it's really nice).  But they do need to be created, together.  Good luck creating yours!

Take a trip down memory lane...

Sometimes, to get where you want to go in life, it's a good idea to remember where you've already been.  Somebody much more famous than me probably already said that, and I tried to give them credit but couldn't find it on Google.  I think sometimes, we do a pretty good job at making goals for ourselves or our marriage, but feel like we aren't getting anywhere.  The day to day of work, raising kids, getting through illnesses, and just living life make us feel like we're on a hamster wheel and not getting anywhere.  Hamsters don't seem to mind, but we do.

But, if you take a look back and take stock of what you've accomplished in the last few years (and yes, once you hit 40 you may want to just look back at the last decade or two while you're at it), you may be surprised. 

If you asked me today if I've been making progress towards my goals for my life, for my marriage, for my relationship with God and with friends and others, I'd probably say no.  But, if I take a few more minutes to think about it and remember where I was five or ten years ago, I would have to admit that I am making progress, even if it's not always as fast as I'd like.  Sometimes it seems like there are setbacks in one area while I'm making progress in another, but I think that's human, too.  And it's ok.

I like to look back at old pictures and videos.  When it involves my kids, I may get misty eyed, but it gives me a chance to see their cute little faces again.  And believe me, after my teenager back-talks or rolls her eyes at me or my younger one whines for no good reason, I sometimes need to remember the younger versions of each of them to keep my cool.  I'm also the picture-taker of the family though, so unless I'm asking someone else to snap a shot, I'm not in a whole lot of pictures with my kids and hubby.  I do ask even random passers-by to help out and take a picture though more often than I used to, because I want the kids to see that I was there, too.  I want to be present in their lives.  Actually, that might even be one of my goals - to continue to be present in their lives even as they push me away more in the teenage years.

But it's part of the same thing - taking stock in where we've come from.  I think it's important.  Darrell and I just sit and talk sometimes about how we were when we were dating or early on in marriage.  There are things we miss about having lots of time just for us, but we've grown up a lot, too, so there are plenty of things we don't miss - things we used to argue about and struggle with, for instance. And looking back over what we've had over the years helps us look forward to a time when we'll live alone again.  I love my kids.  I'll help them out all I can, but I certainly plan to give them wings to fly on their own.

So, take a trip down memory lane with your spouse now and then, or even on your own.  I think you'll be glad you did.

Laugh a little!

Darrell and I are typically fairly serious, straight-laced people.  You know that rebellious, teenage phase?  Yeah, Darrell and I didn't have it.  The closest we got to breaking rules in school was not trying hard enough sometimes to keep people from copying off of us.  The worst offense I can think of against my parents is watching an R-rated movie and telling them I'd watched a PG movie instead when I was with my then-boyfriend and another couple who all wanted to see the R-rated movie.

I think a lot of people believe that if you're like us, you don't have much fun.  But believe it or not, we do.  We laugh, we hang out with friends, we love our kids unconditionally, etc.  We just do it without getting drunk, while being honest, and while keeping our morals intact.  Weird, I know.

So, sometimes I have to remind myself to not take things too seriously, and I guess it's probably the same for Darrell.  Luckily, we have each other to do that.

Darrell doesn't laugh a lot, but I love to hear it when he does.  And he knows how to make me laugh, saying things that most people might not even find funny.  We have inside jokes that I won't share here.  We think it's hilarious to kiss in front of our teenage daughter so that she goes running from the room, saying "Eeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!".  We have a similar sense of humor.

So, go ahead, laugh a little - at each other, with each other, whatever.  Just laugh!