- I realized that I'm a tough parent. I expect a lot. The things I stress most are honesty and hard work. Darrell is a tough parent, too, but in different ways than I am. This realization just hit me this week for some reason. I was thinking about the personality tests I'd taken and how they really taught me things about myself after all, but then I connected some hypothetical dots and realized that if I'd be a tough manager, I would also be considered a tough parent, because really, I am the day to day manager of my kids' lives. And in trying to imagine it from my kids' points of view, I think they would agree with me on this. I expect a lot from them. I don't think that's all bad, but it is true.
- I realized that I might be halfway decent at moderating focus groups. See, that's a part of market research I've always tried to avoid. I just assumed it would make me really nervous. I used to have a huge fear of talking in front of groups of people. I mostly overcame that by giving a lot of presentations at one of my past jobs. I guess that cured me for focus groups, too, because I did one this week, and it wasn't bad. My voice didn't even seem to start getting shaky, not even once. If you do or have ever feared public speaking, you probably understand that this was a big revelation for me. I don't ever plan to moderate focus groups full-time, but it's nice to know that it's not a skill I'm totally lacking.
- I learned another new thing that always seemed "techy" but unnecessary to me - I learned to set up and use multiple monitors at work. This always seemed silly to me, but everyone around me at work seemed to be using more than one monitor, so I gave it a try. It's not half bad, and I think it will keep me from printing even more. Now I can look at the guide/questionnaire/notes on one screen while I write a report on another.
- I learned that if I want to make a healthy dinner each evening while working full-time and commuting 50 minutes each way three to four times per week, I'm going to have to either use my crock pot most of the time or prepare lots of stuff on weekends. So far, I'm choosing my crock pot. So if you have any great crock pot recipes, please send them my way.
- I learned I'm still not good at just getting out there and introducing myself. I miss my friends, but no way am I brave enough to just start knocking at neighbors' doors to introduce myself! Sometimes I wish I were.
- I realized about how right I was that Darrell not being with us for over three months was a huge gap in our lives. I love just knowing that he is nearby. Our son has been by his side every evening. Leaving our friends is a huge loss, but I know this was meant to be and that as long as the four of us are together, we are good.
- I realized that I was right about missing work. My ideal job would be only two or three days a week so I could spend more time with my kids and keep our lives running smoothly, but those jobs just aren't readily available, especially in my field. I've enjoyed going into the office this week and being around nice, smart people. And I also enjoyed my one day working from home and that it allowed me to sleep in just a little, run during my lunch hour (and with my son riding his bike), and throw in two loads of laundry during breaks.
Thursday, May 30, 2013
What I've Learned
I've learned (or in some cases realized) some things about myself this week. They are:
Thursday, May 16, 2013
The "Mommy Wars" are alive and well
I saw a Facebook friend post about this just this morning. A 20-something lady asked her husband why his wife doesn't iron his shirts for him? After all, his wife stays home. First of all, she does work for pay, but primarily works from home. Second, even if she stayed home full-time, what does that have to do with ironing shirts? It got me to thinking, have we really come very far in the moms should stay home to nurture their children versus moms should work full-time outside the home to provide for their family debate? Why is it even still a debate anyway?
I thought long and hard about whether to go back to work (as I thought of it then) after having my daughter. Despite marrying young, Darrell and I waited a while to have children, both because of a promise I kept and because of his health soon after we married. So, we were very used to being dinks (you know, double-income-no-kids). My earning potential was nearly the same as his, but it was very evident to us both that either he or our future offspring would not survive if Darrell stayed home with them as babies. We investigated childcare and about passed out at the expense of good-quality daycares and in-home care. Everyone tells you about saving for college, but at least at the time, it didn't seem like anyone had warned us that childcare was nearly as expensive. I also disliked my job and especially my hour and a half commute to work. That made the decision for us, I'd stay home at least for a while. A move when our daughter was only a few months old ensured I'd stay home with her longer.
But I got the itch to do some kind of paying, just for me work by the time she was about a year old. I started out by doing some consulting work from home for a company I'd previously worked for (yes, "consulting" during the early part of motherhood does seem to be code for "working some from home to keep a foot in the career world but still be here for my little one(s)") - and I only say that because I did it myself and have since recognized it on lots of other LinkedIn profiles.
And then we moved again (yes, it's a pattern that I'm sure you've noticed), and my ex-employer liked the work I'd done from home enough to offer me set, part-time work. My daughter ventured off to daycare/preschool, but only three days a week. I earned enough to pay for that, someone to help clean the house, occasional dinners out and other "extras" that we wanted. Once my daughter started kindergarten, they requested that I add some additional hours, maybe be available five days a week even if a slightly shorter day. I agreed, but only if they'd let me work from home from a different state (yes, another move) and warned them that I'd need a maternity leave the following year for baby #2.
By that time, I earned enough to pay for an awesome lady to come to the house to watch our son and our daughter as well in the summers. It was ideal - I was working just a little less than fulltime, but also was able to breastfeed as needed (no pumping!). We made sure our house had a separate office with a door, and the family learned to respect mommy's workday and space.
Things were going so well that, with another move, I decided to accept a full-time in-office position for a larger company. The only caveat was that I went in early so that I could get home in time to get my daughter from the bus stop and not leave my son at daycare/preschool too late. It was exhausting, mostly because our son was still small and my body rhythm was not well acquainted with getting up at 5am on a regular basis after too little sleep and two full shifts each day (one at work, one as mom to little ones with the occasional wife/laundry person/cook/etc. thrown in).
Also, things at the company, at least in my department, were not going well. What was the next logical step? Starting my own company, of course. I'd get to work from home again and further my career in a new way at the same time. Of course, there was certainly the possibility that I wouldn't earn any money, and in the end, it didn't work out. But that doesn't mean I'm not glad I tried it - it was a valuable learning experience I'll always remember. And I did earn a little money.
And, now, after an enjoyable hiatus taking a break with my kids and a tough time finding work for a bit, I'm back to working full-time, currently from home but soon spending most days in an office setting with one or two days a week spent working from home. I took this position over continuing the interview process for another one. The other job paid more, but this one spoke a lot about being family friendly, flexible, and offered up the ability to work from home as needed without me even asking. I'm fortunate enough that we can give me the choice to take a little less pay in exchange for flexibility. I'm honestly not sure how any family functions without at least one parent having flexibility, unless you also have a large, dependable network of friends and family.
But my main point in all this is to show that I've just about done it all since having kids - stayed home full-time, worked for pay both part-time and full-time, worked from home for pay both part-time and full-time. The only normal solution I can think of that we haven't tried is having Darrell stay home (and we both agree that wouldn't have been a realistic option until recently). And you know what? It's all tough. I used to say that any mom who worked at least part time outside the home deserved to have someone help clean their house, but I've changed my mind since then. If you stay home full-time, you deserve it, too. And no caveats based on the ages of your kids either. I thought the baby stage was the toughest right up until I had a teenager. And single parents? My heart melts for you. I absolutely have no idea how you do it.
The good news? From what I've observed (and even read), it seems like your work situation has very little to do with how your children turn out. I've seen great kids from all kinds of homes. So, WHY OH WHY do we bother to attack other women over their work status? And I may offer advice from time to time, but I mostly try to keep my mouth shut about how to properly raise kids anyway. It will be a long time until I really know whether Darrell and I were successful at this whole parenting thing anyway.
Oh, and ironing shirts for your husband, or even yourself. Please, if you've got time to iron, you deserve a gold star! If you actually iron your husband's shirts regularly, I certainly hope he has enough time to keep up with edging the yard or one of those other chores no parents seem to get to. Otherwise, why isn't he ironing his own shirt? Unless you just like to iron (as I think my mom does), then by all means, go for it.
And finally, to my friends who have chosen to stay home full-time for years, yes, you should be able to count that experience on a resume and in a job interview. I know with certainty that I'm a better employee since becoming a mom than I ever could have dreamed of being otherwise. (End of rant)
I thought long and hard about whether to go back to work (as I thought of it then) after having my daughter. Despite marrying young, Darrell and I waited a while to have children, both because of a promise I kept and because of his health soon after we married. So, we were very used to being dinks (you know, double-income-no-kids). My earning potential was nearly the same as his, but it was very evident to us both that either he or our future offspring would not survive if Darrell stayed home with them as babies. We investigated childcare and about passed out at the expense of good-quality daycares and in-home care. Everyone tells you about saving for college, but at least at the time, it didn't seem like anyone had warned us that childcare was nearly as expensive. I also disliked my job and especially my hour and a half commute to work. That made the decision for us, I'd stay home at least for a while. A move when our daughter was only a few months old ensured I'd stay home with her longer.
But I got the itch to do some kind of paying, just for me work by the time she was about a year old. I started out by doing some consulting work from home for a company I'd previously worked for (yes, "consulting" during the early part of motherhood does seem to be code for "working some from home to keep a foot in the career world but still be here for my little one(s)") - and I only say that because I did it myself and have since recognized it on lots of other LinkedIn profiles.
And then we moved again (yes, it's a pattern that I'm sure you've noticed), and my ex-employer liked the work I'd done from home enough to offer me set, part-time work. My daughter ventured off to daycare/preschool, but only three days a week. I earned enough to pay for that, someone to help clean the house, occasional dinners out and other "extras" that we wanted. Once my daughter started kindergarten, they requested that I add some additional hours, maybe be available five days a week even if a slightly shorter day. I agreed, but only if they'd let me work from home from a different state (yes, another move) and warned them that I'd need a maternity leave the following year for baby #2.
By that time, I earned enough to pay for an awesome lady to come to the house to watch our son and our daughter as well in the summers. It was ideal - I was working just a little less than fulltime, but also was able to breastfeed as needed (no pumping!). We made sure our house had a separate office with a door, and the family learned to respect mommy's workday and space.
Things were going so well that, with another move, I decided to accept a full-time in-office position for a larger company. The only caveat was that I went in early so that I could get home in time to get my daughter from the bus stop and not leave my son at daycare/preschool too late. It was exhausting, mostly because our son was still small and my body rhythm was not well acquainted with getting up at 5am on a regular basis after too little sleep and two full shifts each day (one at work, one as mom to little ones with the occasional wife/laundry person/cook/etc. thrown in).
Also, things at the company, at least in my department, were not going well. What was the next logical step? Starting my own company, of course. I'd get to work from home again and further my career in a new way at the same time. Of course, there was certainly the possibility that I wouldn't earn any money, and in the end, it didn't work out. But that doesn't mean I'm not glad I tried it - it was a valuable learning experience I'll always remember. And I did earn a little money.
And, now, after an enjoyable hiatus taking a break with my kids and a tough time finding work for a bit, I'm back to working full-time, currently from home but soon spending most days in an office setting with one or two days a week spent working from home. I took this position over continuing the interview process for another one. The other job paid more, but this one spoke a lot about being family friendly, flexible, and offered up the ability to work from home as needed without me even asking. I'm fortunate enough that we can give me the choice to take a little less pay in exchange for flexibility. I'm honestly not sure how any family functions without at least one parent having flexibility, unless you also have a large, dependable network of friends and family.
But my main point in all this is to show that I've just about done it all since having kids - stayed home full-time, worked for pay both part-time and full-time, worked from home for pay both part-time and full-time. The only normal solution I can think of that we haven't tried is having Darrell stay home (and we both agree that wouldn't have been a realistic option until recently). And you know what? It's all tough. I used to say that any mom who worked at least part time outside the home deserved to have someone help clean their house, but I've changed my mind since then. If you stay home full-time, you deserve it, too. And no caveats based on the ages of your kids either. I thought the baby stage was the toughest right up until I had a teenager. And single parents? My heart melts for you. I absolutely have no idea how you do it.
The good news? From what I've observed (and even read), it seems like your work situation has very little to do with how your children turn out. I've seen great kids from all kinds of homes. So, WHY OH WHY do we bother to attack other women over their work status? And I may offer advice from time to time, but I mostly try to keep my mouth shut about how to properly raise kids anyway. It will be a long time until I really know whether Darrell and I were successful at this whole parenting thing anyway.
Oh, and ironing shirts for your husband, or even yourself. Please, if you've got time to iron, you deserve a gold star! If you actually iron your husband's shirts regularly, I certainly hope he has enough time to keep up with edging the yard or one of those other chores no parents seem to get to. Otherwise, why isn't he ironing his own shirt? Unless you just like to iron (as I think my mom does), then by all means, go for it.
And finally, to my friends who have chosen to stay home full-time for years, yes, you should be able to count that experience on a resume and in a job interview. I know with certainty that I'm a better employee since becoming a mom than I ever could have dreamed of being otherwise. (End of rant)
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