Hold up! Why am I cleaning for the cleaners?

I will never forget the first time we decided we could afford to pay someone to clean for us some.  It was life changing, I tell you!  Just a few hours every other week saved my sanity when I finally went back to regular work when Hunter was a toddler.

If you are either a single parent or part of a parent couple both working full-time, how do you possibly keep your house clean without paying someone to help?  If you can't afford it, I am so sorry.  If you can afford it, I really think this expense is right up there with saving for retirement and your kids' college educations.  I would quite seriously buy a smaller, less costly house in order to keep paying someone else to clean.  I would work full time instead of part time.  My list just goes on and on for all the trade-offs I would make (and have happily made) just to outsource that chore.

Maybe, unlike me, you actually like to scrub your bathrooms.  If so, more power to you.  I'd rather spend my weekends driving my kids to activities, spending time with them and my husband, cooking dinner for us, doing laundry (yes!  I like laundry!  But that's an issue for another time...), etc.

There is, however, one big adjustment I've made over the years I've left the heavy cleaning to others.  I used to pretty much clean the house before the cleaners came to clean the house.  Yes, you read that right.  I mean, seriously, every little thing needed picked up and put away.  I would do a quick wipe of the kitchen and bathroom counter tops, make sure the bathrooms weren't, you know, too dirty, and just generally give things a decent once-over in a quick frenzied panic the night before because of course I had no real time for this given I was supposedly paying other people to clean!  Even my daughter was asking why we were cleaning so much when the cleaners were coming?

I don't know what got me over the fear of my house cleaners seeing Darrell's hair forming dust bunnies on the bathroom tile and my kids smears of toothpaste in the sink, but somewhere along the way I realized how much more satisfying it was to see it pretty gunked up before they arrived, and pristine after they left.

Now, as a reformed pre-cleaner, I must admit that I still pick up things in a frenzy before my cleaners come.  After all, I want them to get to the counter tops, floors, and other surfaces they need to scrub.  But, I'm proud to say that all the hair, toothpaste, kitchen splatters, and other assorted yuckiness is now left in their capable hands.  And it feels even better when they walk out the door and it looks so good!

I'm even brave enough to post this actual before and after picture of the kid's bathroom sink:

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

If I had to give just one piece of advice to a someone considering marriage, it would be this:  Make sure you respect the person you want to marry.

Darrell is far from perfect, and if you catch me in the right mood, I might even launch into a discourse about his many faults.  But if I look back through our history together, one thing has always been true - I've always respected him.  And I think that would be the toughest thing to replace if he lost my respect.

I would even argue that men typically crave respect in the relationship more than women do.  Many of our early arguments centered around Darrell thinking I didn't respect him, that I wasn't listening to him because I was doing things exactly the way I wanted regardless of what he thought.  What can I say, he married an independent, strong-willed woman.

But even then I had a very strong respect for my new husband.  I dated only guys who were a lot taller than I - I think I wanted to feel small and protected by them.  In high school, I also had to basically pretend to be a little air-headed to get a date at all.  Any guys who found out that I made much better grades than they did seemed to quickly dismiss me.  So, I learned to play the part, and it even got me a few decent boyfriends in high school (and yes, even a few who didn't seem intimidated by my good grades after all).

In college, suddenly I lived on a floor full of guys who were very nearly all more intelligent than I.  I  like to joke (although I'm fairly sure it's also true), that I was one of the dumbest ones in my college's honors program.  And a funny thing happens with really smart guys - many of them aren't very relationship savvy.  So, maybe I had just about the lowest SAT scores possible to get my scholarship and be in the honors program, but I was downright experienced in relationships compared to many of these guys (yes, Darrell included).  But, their intelligence also was something I respected a heck of a lot more than the athletes and cute but not so smart guys I'd grown up with.  (Full disclosure:  I did go to school with some intelligent guys.  They just typically had absolutely no interest in me.)

Enter Darrell.  This guy knew where he wanted to go in life.  He knew exactly what he wanted to be, he knew he wanted a good wife, he was a lot taller than I am, he had better SAT scores (but just a little!), and HE WANTED ME!

I may not want you to tell him, depending on how things are going at that particular moment, but I've always looked up to him (and not just because he's tall!).  I've never really known what I want to be when I grow up.  I've always felt just a little inferior to the REALLY smart people.  He survived cancer, all while worrying as much about me while fighting for his life.  And I could only strive to be and try to learn to be as loyal as he has just always been.  Darrell is better at the things I'm not as good at.  We complement each other in ways I must have subconsciously expected, but have learned more about as we've grown together.

I typically wouldn't recommend a couple getting married when they're only 20 and 21.  We were still KIDS, for goodness sake!  But it works for us.  Why?  I think it has a lot to do with respect.  (Well, that, and we were both pretty much born responsible.)  I have always respected him, and he respects me as well.  We want the best for each other.  And we try to be the best version of ourselves for each other.  We're a team, and that's what a good marriage was meant to be.

Everyone should be invincible!

Everyone should have one thing about them that makes them feel invincible.  A super power, so to speak.

Let's call Darrell's super power fixability.  He can seriously fix anything mechanical, and often times things electrical, plumbing-related, etc., too.  He's the kid who took radios apart just for fun, and to figure out how they worked.  He's the kid who built a submarine that really worked, from scratch.  He's the man who has built and fixed more things around our seven houses than I can count.  He's the man who to this day may rescue something from your trash, like a vacuum cleaner or lawn mower, that you were sure was broken beyond repair and have it running within a few hours.  It's really pretty amazing to see him in action.

My super power is running.  It isn't all that amazing at first glance.  Just about anyone can do it.  But, can you run 5 miles through this:

Have you run 26.2 miles past this:

after fulfilling your lifelong dream to run a marathon the year before?

When I run, I feel things that I don't feel any other time.  I (sometimes) feel like I could just keep going forever.  I (sometimes) feel a deeper connection to God and nature that I don't get in any other way.  I don't like my treadmill.  I will run a few miles on it when absolutely necessary.  But, no matter what I've tried on my treadmill (watching TV, reading, trying to go through problems or plans in my head), I just don't get the feelings I experience when running outside.  And that, my friends, is why my next move will most certainly be to a warmer climate!

I think everyone has at least something that sets them apart.  Something you can tell others you do that makes you feel proud, that you do well.  Something that just makes you feel strong.  What is your super power?  I'd love it if you would share it with me via this Google form.  Please just click on the link and share your super power with me!  And then I'll aggregate the responses and share in an upcoming post!  Thank you.

Is career slowdown ok? (Part 2: YES!)

So, my part 2 post about career slowdown, the mommy track, or whatever you want to call it, was supposed to be all about what others think on this topic.  And, I did a good amount of research, thinking I would have lots to share with you.  But here's the problem:  I kept finding ways I disagree with the "experts", bloggers, and others.  I even get into arguments with myself on this subject, but at least I agree more with myself than with everyone else...

Yes, I'm a Type A-leaning control freak.  Yes, I'm a first born.  Yes, I'm secretly competitive (but as an introverted female, I've learned to hide that very well).  But, yes, my kids and husband will ALWAYS be more important than my career.  I want it all.  Maybe you do, too.  And you know what?  We can have it all.  Maybe not all the time, but as I grow more and more secure with myself into my 40s, I realize that it is all possible as long as you don't try too keep every single ball in the air.  I'm not a good juggler.  I've had to learn what isn't important to me and let those balls fall.  And that's ok.  I'm not PTA-leading-cookie-baking-playdate-leading-homeschooling-meet-my-kids'-every-needs-super-mom.  But I wouldn't be that even if I were a stay-at-home-mom.  I know, because I tried.

My kids and husband are first, but they can't be first if I don't do what is important to me.  And working a job that stretches my brain and capabilities, but doesn't force me to work way more than 40 hours a week is important to me.

My picture of what works is not the same as your picture of what works though.  And I will be the first to admit that I am blessed with choices many women don't have.  Even when I've earned the same as Darrell, mine has always been able to be the back-up job/career.  I am the one that can quit if she wants.  He's never really had that option.  Sure, that comes with trade-offs.  That means I am the one expected to find a more flexible job.  That means I am the one following along on the next move, and either asking to work from home for a current employer or finding a job in the new city.  I guess I could choose to resent all that.  But I choose to be grateful that I'm the one with the ability to walk right out the door if the going gets too tough.

And, honestly, society is still so much easier on the woman choosing the flexible path than the man (at least in my experience).  Darrell leaves a little early or goes in a little late to work when needed for the kids.  When he does, he's either applauded for being a hands-on dad or getting snide remarks about why he needs to do that since he's married (depending on the audience).  For me, it's much more ok.  It's not considered a wonderful thing I'm doing, but it's just still more common and accepted.  Of course the mom would rush out the door right at 5pm to get her kids to practice on time.  And of course after-school care would call the me if Darrell or I weren't there on time for some reason.  Maybe it won't always be like this, but today it still is.  I've just decided that we will take advantage of it as a family rather than try to fight it.

Have I passed up opportunities to climb the corporate ladder?  Yes.  Honestly, I've probably had more opportunities for upward career paths than Darrell has.  But when I start putting in too much time at work, I don't like what happens to my family.  So, I'd give up each of those opportunities all over again.  I like where I am right now.  I'm content.  And that is worth so much more than a fancy title or six-figure salary.

And if there's one thing I've learned, it's that things change over time.  I don't know where we'll be 10 years from now, hometown or career-wise.  But I'm happy with the choices we've made and the path we've been led down to this point.  I can only hope that all my friends out there are as happy and content, or can be someday.

Is career slowdown ok? (Part 1: Me)

Part 1:  My situation

It's no secret that I took a lower paying, not as high level job this time around.  "Manager", "director", etc. is nowhere in my title for the first time in over 10 years.  And the trade-off for a lower hourly pay-rate makes good sense (in case you don't remember, those are:  1. lower cost of living city; 2. flexible perks such as working from home regularly; 3. less stressful job in general; 4. regular pay.).

But you know me.  Things get me wondering sometimes.  Like a friend starting a new and seemingly exciting job...  Like little instabilities at my company...  Like knowing that my husband and I each really just make about the average pay for our chosen fields, and wondering if that's really ok...  Like trying to better budget our money for things like giving, paying ahead on the mortgage, and saving for college for our kids, which always brings up the thought that all that would be easier if we just both earned more money (never mind the flip side that I don't want us to both have to work significantly harder for that additional money).

Sometimes it seems like life would be easier if one of us just really climbed that corporate ladder and earned twice as much.  But when I think about some examples I have of that, it normally involves a lot less family time and a lot more stress, and I don't want that for either Darrell or myself.

There were times in my career when it looked like I could really excel.  I'm book smart (or at least I was when I was young).  I graduated summa cum laude with a mathematics degree and a statistics minor.  At my first real job that required a college education, I was told by our CEO that I was the best project manager he'd ever employed (it was a small to mid-sized company).  The typical track was to get your first promotion in two years, but I received it in one year.  Fast-forward to my tenure at a printer manufacturer.  I presented to board members, the CEO, and executive vice presidents (large corporation).  I managed a large research budget (at least before lots of budget cutbacks came along).  My manager said he wanted to recommend me for "the management track" (whatever that meant), and I received an unheard of 10%+ raise after my first year.  But, each time, I fizzled out.

See, when the pressure gets to be too much, I just keep trying and trying.  Working past midnight when necessary.  Right up until it's just too much.  And then I realize I'm taking too much from my family, and too much from myself.  I either quit, step back, or look for another job.  And, finally, this time, I really seem to have found a good balance.  So, why, oh why do I still question it?

I mean, I know moms just starting back in their careers.  I know plenty of women who would be beyond grateful to have my job and paycheck.  So, yes, thanks for letting me work this issue out with you.  Maybe I can remember again to be grateful, to do a good job for a company, while keeping my priorities straight with God and my family as well, and leave it at that.  I hope so!

(But, I have a little Part 2 coming up on this topic as well, so stay tuned!)

First Impressions

Possibly in part because I'm a woman, I'm typically a better judge of character during first impressions than Darrell is.  I've been totally wrong of course from time to time, but whether it is by intuition, a better understanding of body languages or emotions, or whatever else you'd like to call it, I can generally figure out a lot about a person the first time we meet.  It is probably good that Darrell isn't a good initial judge of character though, because he tends to show more loyalty or avoidance once he has made a decision about your character.  If he loves you, he is loyal for life.  If you cross him badly (and don't have a foundation of trust built), he will avoid you for the rest of his life, it seems.

In truth, we all may be better judges of character during first impressions than we give ourselves credit for.  Apparently, there have been studies over the past few decades to show that, at least on average, we do a good job.  I found this article about the subject particularly interesting.  But as the article mentions, even those who are good at judging during first impressions are sometimes wrong.

My best example of that personally is when I met Darrell.  We were in the same group at WVU honors program orientation back in the late summer of 1989.  I was the lone girl assigned to a group of total nerd guys, or so it seemed to me.  They all wore nerdy glasses and shorts and shirts that were completely out of style.  I've never been into name brands, but I at least understood keeping in style, say within the past 10 years, compared to these guys who appeared to be wearing what their fathers did a few decades before.  Now, there were normal guys in the honors program, I mean I had spotted them before and even started becoming friends with a fellow runner.  But these guys, oh my, if they were any indication of the guys I'd be living with on the same dorm floor over the next nine months, my boyfriend back home had nothing to worry about!

I couldn't tell you what Darrell even said to me that day.  I have no recollection of him other than that he was in fact in that group with me and what he was wearing (the image still burns in my memory, if I let it).  But I would have never called him cute that day.  However, just a few weeks later, I saw him passing a nerf football with some guys in the dorm hallway.  He was wearing normal jeans.  He looked good!  He was cute.  He wanted to help me with my homework.  And the rest is history (sorry, boyfriend back  home).

I'm not sure to this day if being a good judge of first impressions is a good skill.  It has served me well for things like interviews, which are really all about first impressions; and getting to know people, especially since I tend to be an introvert and feel better if I can "read" the situation and people involved.  But knowing that I'm sometimes very wrong about first impressions is helpful, too.  It reminds me that I shouldn't judge others, and that I should often give people more of a chance than I'm sometimes inclined to do.  After all, I believe there are times when I've been misjudged as well. 

But our tendency to judge others quickly makes some sense, because we probably all have examples of being right in the past.  And it's such a balancing act between using the cues we pick up to better understand the person and situation, but not using them to form lasting judgements.  I guess it's something I'm still working on.  How about you?

(I know some of you are still stuck on how I ever decided Darrell wasn't a nerd but was cute instead.  Well, the truth is, he is a nerd.  But he's my cute nerd.  In fact, at the time, he looked a lot like this famous nerd, pictured on the left.  Can you name him?)

Indiana isn't breaking us in easily...

So, it's winter in Indiana, and apparently, winters are a bit rougher here than those we experienced in Lexington.  I could be wrong, but it feels like we've seen way more of this:

already this winter in Plainfield than we did all seven years in Lexington.  Now, my kids were actually looking forward to a little more snow, and even I can admit that it's pretty, so not all bad, right?  I can take a day like today, basically getting snowed it with 8-13 new inches of snow (after 5 or 6 a few days ago).  The temperature outside is a balmy 31 degrees.  If I weren't afraid of coming home looking like this:

or falling and breaking a leg or something, I might even go for a run in that temperature.

We're not exactly a winter sports family.  I've been skiing a few times.  It wasn't fun, it was cold.  Sledding is slightly better, but not as fun away from WV.  I mean, in WV, you very likely have a nice hill in your back yard, where you can get quickly back inside to warm up.  In Indiana, not so much.

Besides the inevitable Detroit jokes, people ask us why we moved away from Michigan.  Yes, it was somewhat job related, but mostly, it was so COLD!  All I kept telling myself as we prepared for the move here was, at least it's not as far north as Metro Detroit.

Ha, the joke's on me.  We are experiencing the coldest Indy area temps in 20 years starting tonight.  Oh, and would you like to guess where I was almost exactly 20 years ago during the last record lows?  Yep, Plymouth, Michigan.  "In records dating to 1874, Detroit has only had five calendar days during which the daytime high has failed to reach zero, the last of which was their all-time coldest daily high, -4 degrees on Jan. 19, 1994."  Feel free to see this Weather Channel article for more details.

Brr!  Times are a little different for us now.  Back then, we were basically still newlyweds just out of college, living far away from both of our families for the first time in our lives.  We had two used cars, and even with a (detached) garage, Darrell had to put their batteries on charge each night to get them to start each morning for work.  It was so cold, that a lot of the paint fell off of our first house that winter.

Today, we have a much nicer house and garage.  We have two kids, a dog, two cats and two hamsters instead of just one cat.  But isn't it funny how things have a way of coming full circle sometimes?  I just hope that thought comforts me tonight as the arctic winds howl and the temperatures dip, and dip, and dip.

And another one bites the dust...

I have no idea why, but when I heard about yet another long-term marriage breaking up recently, this is the song that started playing in my head:

"And another one gone, and another one gone
Another one bites the dust
Hey, I'm gonna get you too
Another one bites the dust

How do you think I'm going to get along,
without you, when you're gone
You took me for everything that I had,
and kicked me out on my own

Are you happy, are you satisfied
How long can you stand the heat
Out of the doorway the bullets rip
To the sound of the beat

Another one bites the dust"

I'm not really a Queen fan, but this song came out in 1980, just about the time I started caring what kind of music I listened to.  I played it often on my tape recorder/player, which looked something like this:

And I had to hold it up to a radio just to record songs.  My, how times have changed.  But, I digress...

Any time I hear about a marriage breaking up, two things happen:  I am saddened and feel for the family involved, and I take a closer look at my own marriage and wonder if things are really ok with us.

While I don't typically recommend divorce, I've seen some examples of it being the right thing to do.  I've never been through it personally, but I can see even from the outside that it leaves emotional scars and is not an easy undertaking. 

I can't help wondering how Darrell and I could be immune though.  Yes, this blog is called "Secrets of a Happy Marriage," but I'm sure you've guessed by now that we aren't always happy.  Life is tough.  Marriage is tough.  It's hard work.  And, yet, I don't believe that it's either just hard work or just good luck that has gotten us this far.

I'd love to proclaim a guarantee that Darrell and I will be together until one of us dies.  I believe in my heart and soul that this is true.  I absolutely cannot imagine life without him.  I believe our souls are bound together in a way that can't be undone.  And yet, I know that if we let down our guard, we could wake up one day and find ourselves growing apart rather than together. 

And, as I may have mentioned before, if ever I decide to leave Darrell or Darrell decides to leave me, he should fear for his life.  If you know me, you know that I am in no way a violent person.  But if there were reason enough to leave Darrell, I would sincerely want to kill him.  I'm fairly certain of this.

I certainly can't guarantee what the future will hold.  I can only hope that Darrell and I will have each other to rely on, the way we have for 21 years of marriage and over 24 years together.  In the meantime, I am reminded to pray for my marriage and keep up my guard.  I don't want to do this life on my own.

And, to you single moms (and dads) out there, I salute you.  I don't know how you manage without a live-in partner every day, every hour raising kids.

I hope 2014 brings good things to us all.