Be aware of each other's "hot" buttons... even if you can't help pushing them sometimes

Darrell hates it when I stick stuff of his in places to "put it away", and then he can't find it.  I'm notorious for wanting things around the house picked up, even if that means hiding some of it in closets or a room where it won't be seen when we have company over.  He is more organized than I, but doesn't mind leaving stuff lying around the house until he gets around to putting it away, the right way.  So, we have an agreement now - I give him a few days to a few weeks, warn him, and THEN "stick it" out of the way if he still hasn't dealt with it.  Works pretty well for us.

There are lots of other compromises we've reached over the years, but at the same time, there are still things that set each of us off that we can't seem to control or stop.  Yes, we talk about it and pray about it, and maybe these issues will continue to get better as well.  But, we're both human. 

One of those hot buttons for Darrell is when I am not feeling well in a way that we can't directly make better or diagnose easily.  For instance, he had one of his biggest outbursts of all time while I was pregnant with our daughter and started having early contractions one evening.  We had family visiting and I think he felt I'd done too much with them.  When I started having some mild contractions, and didn't do things exactly the way he wanted me to, he basically lost it.  He started giving orders like a drill sergeant and was basically a jerk to me, and even to my mom.  (Don't worry, jerk is one of the names we are allowed to call each other when it applies.)

We had a more mild case of this yesterday, which is what made me think of it.  He knows (at least right after) that he's not being reasonable, or at the very least not being sensitive and supportive.  He apologizes.  He's a great and nice guy most of the time.  I think he just can't handle the thought of something REALLY being wrong with me, something he can't fix.  Yes, it's a good thing I wasn't the one who had cancer when we were young.  I know he tries but just can't control it in that moment.  So, I deserve the apology.  But I forgive him. 

I kind of equate it to that time of the month when I'm sometimes completely unreasonable.  Just a little different circumstances.  So, now you know, Darrell isn't perfect.  Of course, if you knew him well already, you probably suspected that.  None of us is perfect anyway.

Be ready for change... Together

I think the one constant in this life is change.  My kids are a great reminder of that.  I would swear to you that my son got off of the bus a little taller yesterday then when I sent him off to school.  I look at pictures of Darrell and I from 20+ years ago, and we hardly look like the same people we are today.  I could tell that 21-year-old girl things that she wouldn't even believe.

In a great book I'm reading called "The Meaning of Marriage", Timothy Keller writes, "When I married my wife, I had hardly a smidgen of sense for what I was getting into with her.  How could I know how much she would change over 25 years?  How could I know how much I would change?  My wife has lived with at least five different men since we were wed--and each one of the five has been me."  I can so identify.

We spend so much time either hoping things will change or praying that they won't.  We make changes to ourselves, whether good or bad, hoping for positive outcomes.  We want to change our spouses, and get disappointed when it doesn't work out.  While change is natural, the only ones we really have the ability to change directly are ourselves.  Sometimes we make choices that have a profound impact on our lives immediately.  Sometimes we make choices that seem small and insignificant at the time but trickle down into a different life years and years later.  Everyone makes some good choices and changes, and some bad ones.

So, what's the trick to staying together and loving your spouse through all of these changes?  Make the big choices together.  Go through the changes together, even when he doesn't change the way you had in mind.  You don't always have to look forward to change, but having a partner to go through things with sure does help.  Be committed to each other.

Have Kids... IF you want them and WHEN you're ready

Statistically, Darrell and I shouldn't still be married.  We got married way too young.  We would have gotten married even sooner if we had thought our parents wouldn't kill us and if our friends hadn't thought we were insane. 

But one of the things that really helped us is that we waited to have kids until we were ready.  We practiced parenting a few cats first, which was surprisingly helpful.  Darrell scared (perhaps scarred?) a few of my young cousins first. 

I like to think I was still a young first-time mom at 27, but we'd already been married six years by then.  We really knew each other.  We knew how to live together and share one tiny bathroom.  We had a good foothold in our careers.  And it was still hard.

Parenting is everything you hear - the best and most trying job you'll ever have.  It's exhausting.  It's amazing.  It teaches you the true meaning of bitter sweet.  The first few years you feel like you are just getting through it some days.  But other days (and moments), you so wish you could freeze time and hold onto it forever. 

Single moms and dads out there, I salute you.  I really can't imagine doing it on my own.  Thank God I have Darrell.  Just when I'm thinking that he doesn't do much to help out with the kids, or around the house in general, he's gone for a bit - a business trip, or just out for the day to work on the RV - and I realize he sure must have been doing something because the household spins out of control without him.

I'm sure someday my kids will be telling their friends about all of the things Darrell and I did wrong.  And I don't doubt that there will be a justifiable list.  But, there are a few things we did right.  We loved each other.  We loved and protected them.  We set boundaries and rules together.  And we had them when we felt ready to be parents.

Get in Shape

Three years ago, I weighed at least 15 pounds more than I should have.  That may not sound like much, and I sincerely feel for people who have a larger build and/or have a lot more trouble losing weight and staying in shape for lots of different reasons.  I know sometimes it really is next to impossible to get to what a doctor would call your "ideal" weight.

But, as for me, I was just being lazy.  I hadn't really exercised in years.  I wasn't eating well.  I was working too much, but not taking care of the things that mattered most as much as I should have been.  Every evening, I felt exhausted, so that I didn't even feel like giving my kids the attention they deserved.  And Darrell was even lower on the list.  And I finally decided to do something about it.

I had tried before, but it was either half-hearted, or too much too soon.  And let's face it, it's so much easier to lose a few troubling pounds in your 20's than it is by your mid-30's and beyond.  I've learned that it's better to make small improvements over time rather than jumping right into something I couldn't maintain.  Cutting out all junk food cold turkey?  Never worked.  Heading out for a 3-mile run after not running at all for a year?  Ouch!  Instead, I took it slow this time.  I started eating smaller portions and substituting better ingredients when I could.  I worked out to Wii Fit for a few months and started walking before even trying to run.  When I did start running, I went only a mile the first time and increased very slowly from that. 

And over the course of several months, I lost those 15 pounds.  I was running further than I had since high school, and then I was running longer distances than I ever had.  Within a year, I ran a marathon.

Now, I've gained 5 of those pounds back, and sure, it's still a struggle to eat well and an even bigger struggle to try to get my family to eat well along with me.  But I am healthier than I've ever been.  I have more energy and get sick less often.  So, the time I spend exercising gives me MORE time to spend with my family, as counter-intuitive as that sounds when you are crazy busy with so many other things in life.

What does this have to do with my marriage?  Well, for one I have more energy to devote to my husband.  He gets the added bonus of a wife who looks and feels better than she used to.  He's forced to eat at least a little better along with me.  My kids eat better and at least get the example of a mom who makes it a priority to take care of herself and exercise regularly. 

I'm not about to say that everyone can do it the way I did, but everyone can make small improvements for their own health and their family's health.  And I can keep adding small improvements as well.

Writing love poems/notes doesn't hurt...

Years Ago
 

Twenty-two years ago, a girl met a boy

She didn’t notice him right away
He didn’t stand out and she had a boyfriend back home
It seemed like any other day

Twenty-two years ago, she looked more closely at him

She asked for a kiss
She broke up with the boyfriend back home
But she was afraid he was someone she’d miss

Twenty-two years ago, the boy engraved Bible verses

And attached them to a plaque
Her very first real gift from him
And there was no looking back

Twenty-one years ago, there was some give and take

They weren’t sure they’d make it
One and then the other needed some space
But they still had love and didn’t want to break it

Twenty years ago, they both said “I do”

They made promises among God and friends
They were so young that some worried
But they knew their love would never end

Eighteen years ago, they got some bad news

The boy was very ill
They said the cancer could be cured
But for a while, their world stood still

Fourteen years ago, they got the most wonderful news

She was expecting a baby
They didn’t even think they could have
This fairy tale could last, just maybe

Thirteen years ago, it was a very tough year

Forever after was put to a test
They had to learn to go from couple to family
And they were both so stressed

Eight years ago, their family was complete

To the little girl, they would add a boy
They felt comfortable as a family
Perfect balance in two girls and two boys

Six years ago, after several other moves

They moved to a great town
They met good friends and made a house their home
And finally felt settled down

It all started twenty-two years ago

But they are praying for a lot more time
To watch their children grow
And have love stories of their own
 
-- Jennifer Rulon --

You can look, but just don't touch...

We all grew up hearing that, didn't we?  Walking through a nice department store with our mothers, visiting a great aunt's house who had a lot of nick nacks on display, etc.  But I think some men, and even some women today, take that rule from our childhood a bit too literally and somehow think that it's ok to ogle the opposite sex.

Ok, so I know we don't become blind just because we get married.  I'd go so far as to say it's healthy to appreciate (in a general sense) those around us who look good to us.  What I am talking about is when you go a little (or maybe much) too far, nearly undressing someone (besides your spouse) in your mind, or even staring at body parts you should not be staring at.

What does the Bible say about it?  "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall not commit adultery.'  But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart."  (Words of Jesus from Matthew 5:27-28)  Well, that seems pretty clear to me.  I even find myself wondering how many affairs began in the mind.  I mean, that's where anything starts, right?  With an idea of what could be, wondering whether something else is better than what you already have, etc.

I choose to believe I have the best.  My fantasies are about my husband.  No, I won't share them with you.  But, I think it is similar for Darrell.  I have never, even once in our over 22 years together, caught him staring inappropriately at another woman.  If he's ever done anything like that, he is very good at hiding it from me and from anyone else around him, but I honestly believe that he really does have eyes only for me.  And it's one of the things I love most about him.  It's one of the reasons I knew he was the man I wanted to marry.

So, don't touch what isn't yours, but don't look too closely either.  At least that's my advice.

Walk Through Fire

If you go through a tragedy or trial as a married couple, one of two things are going to happen to your relationship:  it will become stronger, or it will become weaker.  I've at least never heard of an example of a relationship that stayed exactly the same after something serious or life-threatening.  I certainly don't advocate looking for trouble, but if you are together long enough, it usually comes up somewhere along the way.  I also can't claim that I've gone through one of the worst things that could happen, like the death of a spouse or losing a child.

Early in our marriage, Darrell had Hodgkin's lymphoma.  If you get cancer, it's one of the ones you'd want to pick if you could, one that has a very high cure rate.  But, it was a really tough year for two early twenty-somethings just starting out and living states away from family.  We were lucky to have some good friends for support, my mom who was willing to drop everything a few times to come help out, and good jobs with good medical benefits. 

But there were times I was afraid I'd lose him, and become a widow at 23.  For several weeks, we knew he had cancer, but not what kind or stage.  I watched him lose 50 pounds, lose most of his hair, sweat through the sheets and covers several times a night, get chemo that would make him sick for days, get a lung disease that the doctors couldn't even identify but that made them stop chemo for long enough for us to worry about that, too...  And so much more.  I'm glad we didn't have kids yet, but at the same time doctors were telling us that there was a very good chance he'd be sterile after treatment if he wasn't already due to being sick.

It was a horrible year.  And yet, it was a blessing.  I think it taught us both that we could be strong for each other.  We knew that if we could survive that, we could survive anything as a couple.  We've been through a few other difficult times since then, but I think they were somehow easier.  We've been blessed so much since then.  We have two beautiful children.  We have a love that grows stronger every year.  We have a great home.  We have all we need and so much more.

My Third Kid

In many ways, men don't really ever grow up.  Many still like toys, they are usually the "fun" parent, and they have trouble juggling multiple tasks at the same time. 

Once Darrell and I had our second child, we fell into the habit of saying that he was my third kid.  I joked that I wanted three children, and so I now had them.  When he'd do something not very adult-like, that became our go-to phrase of explanation.  But it quickly started to be an excuse.  And the true kids in our house started thinking it was funny.  AND, the more we called him my third kid, the more he seemed to act like it and the less I felt like giving him the respect my husband deserves.

So, my best advice is, don't try this.  Learn from our mistake and treat each other like two competent adults and parenting partners.  Yes, even if one of the two fits right in with your actual son playing Legos and gets upset when he loses at Monopoly.

Why I Love Him

After yesterday and other quirks I've revealed so far along the way, I thought some of you might wonder just what it is I love so much about Darrell.  It's a lot to put in one blog post, but I'll try to cover the highlights:

#1 - He's a Christ follower.  This actually wasn't at the top of the characteristics that I was seeking in a boyfriend 23 years ago, but I am forever grateful that it worked out this way.  The basic beliefs and morals where important to me, and ours matched up quite well at the time, so it wasn't a complete accident.  But I'm also sure that God had a hand in leading us together, and I am thankful for that daily.

#2 - He's cute.  See, now this is one that was more important 23 years ago than it really is today.  But, he's still cute, and his genes helped make the most amazing kids.  I almost didn't notice him at all on the honors dorm floor all those years ago, because at first he was wearing VERY outdated thrift store clothes his mom had picked out for him.  When I saw him in jeans that showed off his cute behind, I finally took notice.

#3 - He's fiercely loyal, already covered in another post.

#4 - He thinks I'm the most beautiful woman in the world.  Crazy guy, but I love him for it.  He really doesn't even seem to see other women, doesn't even want to notice them, and I really don't think it's just when we're together.  He even fast-forwards through sex scenes in movies if it gets very revealing, not because I've ever asked him to. 

#5 - He supports me, my needs, and even my wants.  Three years ago I decided I wanted to start running regularly, which I really hadn't done since my early 20's.  He worried a little about me hurting myself, but he helped make time for me to run.  A few months later I wanted to start my own business with a guy Darrell hardly knew at all and start the process of leaving my steady job that brought in half of our income.  Six months later I wanted to train for a marathon, and ran my first marathon just one month after running my first half marathon.  In that, he helped me complete a dream I'd had since I ran track in high school.  One year later I wanted to train for a second marathon, that I'd run on the other side of the country, and raise over $3,000 for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society.  He helped make it possible for me to train two days a week with the local LLS team, on top of everything else.  This year, I wanted to go on a cruise with some ladies in the neighborhood.  He said yes after just asking a few questions about the trip.

#6 - He is honest, often wears his feelings on his sleeve, and will tell you just about anything.  If he really clicks with you, you will likely know a summary of his life story in your first conversation with him.  If he's angry, you know.  If we're having problems, he's not afraid to talk them out.  He taught me how to argue, and I taught him how to argue a little more fairly.

#7 - WARNING, NON PG-13 CONTENT FOLLOWS.  He's good in bed, probably because he cares more about how it feels to me than how it does to him.  Sorry, you don't get any additional details beyond that.  But, I can tell you that it really does get better after years and years together.  God was 100% right about long-term monogamy being best.  He designed it to work best that way, and I've not seen anything in my 41 years of life to convince me differently.

#8 - Darrell doesn't watch sporting games on TV or ever go to them in person (unless it's our kids playing a sport). Our schedule never revolves around a professional or college sports team, and that's nice.

#9 - He likes to shop.  He doesn't like to shop for clothes, but he almost never minds coming along because wherever we shop he can usually find something (toys, tools, etc.) that he does like to look at.  He's often takes longer and is more difficult to get out of a store than I am.

#10 - He can fix or create just about anything mechanical.  It's saved us a lot of money over the years.  It makes me less afraid to try to fix or do things around the house myself, because thankfully I can get his help if something goes wrong rather than paying someone else to fix a mistake.  He doesn't always do the projects I want done, but that's fair.  And he's even loosened up in recent years to let us hire someone when he just doesn't have the time to do a project or it is something he'd really rather not tackle.

#11 - He loves me, and he loves our children.  He wasn't even sure he wanted children, but he's a wonderful father.  And we've managed to keep our love strong through the parenting years, such that I'm convinced we'll still like being together once they go away to college and it's just the two of us again.  He likes just being home with his family.  Sometimes I actually wish he hung out with some guy friends more, because it makes me feel a little guilty that I want to go out with the girls from time to time.

That's not everything, but that's enough for now.  I hope there are a lot more people out there with a spouse as good as mine, but personally, I think I've found one of the best.

How to Survive Vacation with Your Spouse

Darrell hates to travel.  Sometimes he likes the actual vacation and extra time to spend doing what you want, but he hates the planning, the traveling, and most often would just prefer to be at home.  He avoids business trips, lets me plan any actual vacations (which are few and far between), and is even ok with me traveling alone to get my travel fix (I love to travel!).

So, maybe you've guessed, but he is NOT fun to travel with. 

Example 1:  He recently got a new car, which he does about every 5-6 years - many times these are used cars that are "new" to him; he just likes a change and different vehicle to tinker with.  Anyway, this new vehicle has very good gas mileage, which is a big part of what convinced me that getting it was a good idea, and convinced us both that we should try to make it the car we travel with, even though it's much smaller than we're used to.  But, his new rule for this brand new vehicle is that we can't eat in it, at all, even if we are all stuck in it for 16 1/2 hours driving home from Florida.  The kids can have water, us adults are allowed caffeinated drinks as well to keep us awake while driving.  Maybe I should mention that we did stop for three meals and a snack, but of course they had to be eaten outside of the car.  A friend of mine said she would have just gone off on him over this, that it was completely unreasonable.  The kids and I went along with it, although we did complain some now and then.  He does at least deserve that.  And I think I'll be scheduling a tour for him of every other parent's car in the neighborhood to prove to him that I don't really let my car get that messy and out of hand the way he seems to think I do.  But, I digress.  I didn't "go off" on him.  He's weird, yes, but so am I and he puts up with my weirdness pretty well.

Example 2:  He HATES to sit in traffic.  So, on the way back we took a huge detour on side roads when the interstate was backed up.  We didn't get anywhere any faster than those who stayed on the interstate did - we even saw some of the same vehicles when we got back on the interstate.  But believe me when I say that Darrell stayed much more calm because we could keep moving, even if it was fairly slow and a further distance on side roads.  We even got to see "Beautiful Butts County, Georgia".  You can find images of their water tower on Google.  So, the side trip was entertaining, even if it cost us some time.

Example 3:  He doesn't like my driving.  More specifically, he doesn't much like anyone's driving but his own.  He seems to tolerate his father's driving ok, and he can handle short distances with friends he doesn't want to offend.  However, he's perfectly fine telling me how to drive from the passenger seat.  We used to get into huge arguments over this, but now we have a strategy that works great.  He drives when we're together.  If he's too tired to drive, I take a shift, but he has to close his eyes and not remark about my driving.  If he starts remarking about my driving, we pull over to the side of the road and he gets to drive again.  I like reading on my Kindle or playing with my phone in the passenger seat anyway, so this works great.  I'm not sure if he's going to be able to handle teaching the kids to drive, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

I'm sure there's more, but three examples is enough for now, right?  We actually get along really well during the portion of the vacation we're not traveling.  Darrell usually even likes it while we're there.  I remember the first time we went to Disney World together (before kids), and he seriously did not want to leave to go home.  This was after he complained for months about going to Disney, spending all that money on a vacation that just wouldn't last the way buying something would, knowing that it would rain every day in Florida (he hadn't yet been there), etc.  He loved it.  And I love him, so much so that I haven't killed him yet ; )