First Impressions

Possibly in part because I'm a woman, I'm typically a better judge of character during first impressions than Darrell is.  I've been totally wrong of course from time to time, but whether it is by intuition, a better understanding of body languages or emotions, or whatever else you'd like to call it, I can generally figure out a lot about a person the first time we meet.  It is probably good that Darrell isn't a good initial judge of character though, because he tends to show more loyalty or avoidance once he has made a decision about your character.  If he loves you, he is loyal for life.  If you cross him badly (and don't have a foundation of trust built), he will avoid you for the rest of his life, it seems.

In truth, we all may be better judges of character during first impressions than we give ourselves credit for.  Apparently, there have been studies over the past few decades to show that, at least on average, we do a good job.  I found this article about the subject particularly interesting.  But as the article mentions, even those who are good at judging during first impressions are sometimes wrong.

My best example of that personally is when I met Darrell.  We were in the same group at WVU honors program orientation back in the late summer of 1989.  I was the lone girl assigned to a group of total nerd guys, or so it seemed to me.  They all wore nerdy glasses and shorts and shirts that were completely out of style.  I've never been into name brands, but I at least understood keeping in style, say within the past 10 years, compared to these guys who appeared to be wearing what their fathers did a few decades before.  Now, there were normal guys in the honors program, I mean I had spotted them before and even started becoming friends with a fellow runner.  But these guys, oh my, if they were any indication of the guys I'd be living with on the same dorm floor over the next nine months, my boyfriend back home had nothing to worry about!

I couldn't tell you what Darrell even said to me that day.  I have no recollection of him other than that he was in fact in that group with me and what he was wearing (the image still burns in my memory, if I let it).  But I would have never called him cute that day.  However, just a few weeks later, I saw him passing a nerf football with some guys in the dorm hallway.  He was wearing normal jeans.  He looked good!  He was cute.  He wanted to help me with my homework.  And the rest is history (sorry, boyfriend back  home).

I'm not sure to this day if being a good judge of first impressions is a good skill.  It has served me well for things like interviews, which are really all about first impressions; and getting to know people, especially since I tend to be an introvert and feel better if I can "read" the situation and people involved.  But knowing that I'm sometimes very wrong about first impressions is helpful, too.  It reminds me that I shouldn't judge others, and that I should often give people more of a chance than I'm sometimes inclined to do.  After all, I believe there are times when I've been misjudged as well. 

But our tendency to judge others quickly makes some sense, because we probably all have examples of being right in the past.  And it's such a balancing act between using the cues we pick up to better understand the person and situation, but not using them to form lasting judgements.  I guess it's something I'm still working on.  How about you?

(I know some of you are still stuck on how I ever decided Darrell wasn't a nerd but was cute instead.  Well, the truth is, he is a nerd.  But he's my cute nerd.  In fact, at the time, he looked a lot like this famous nerd, pictured on the left.  Can you name him?)

Indiana isn't breaking us in easily...

So, it's winter in Indiana, and apparently, winters are a bit rougher here than those we experienced in Lexington.  I could be wrong, but it feels like we've seen way more of this:

already this winter in Plainfield than we did all seven years in Lexington.  Now, my kids were actually looking forward to a little more snow, and even I can admit that it's pretty, so not all bad, right?  I can take a day like today, basically getting snowed it with 8-13 new inches of snow (after 5 or 6 a few days ago).  The temperature outside is a balmy 31 degrees.  If I weren't afraid of coming home looking like this:

or falling and breaking a leg or something, I might even go for a run in that temperature.

We're not exactly a winter sports family.  I've been skiing a few times.  It wasn't fun, it was cold.  Sledding is slightly better, but not as fun away from WV.  I mean, in WV, you very likely have a nice hill in your back yard, where you can get quickly back inside to warm up.  In Indiana, not so much.

Besides the inevitable Detroit jokes, people ask us why we moved away from Michigan.  Yes, it was somewhat job related, but mostly, it was so COLD!  All I kept telling myself as we prepared for the move here was, at least it's not as far north as Metro Detroit.

Ha, the joke's on me.  We are experiencing the coldest Indy area temps in 20 years starting tonight.  Oh, and would you like to guess where I was almost exactly 20 years ago during the last record lows?  Yep, Plymouth, Michigan.  "In records dating to 1874, Detroit has only had five calendar days during which the daytime high has failed to reach zero, the last of which was their all-time coldest daily high, -4 degrees on Jan. 19, 1994."  Feel free to see this Weather Channel article for more details.

Brr!  Times are a little different for us now.  Back then, we were basically still newlyweds just out of college, living far away from both of our families for the first time in our lives.  We had two used cars, and even with a (detached) garage, Darrell had to put their batteries on charge each night to get them to start each morning for work.  It was so cold, that a lot of the paint fell off of our first house that winter.

Today, we have a much nicer house and garage.  We have two kids, a dog, two cats and two hamsters instead of just one cat.  But isn't it funny how things have a way of coming full circle sometimes?  I just hope that thought comforts me tonight as the arctic winds howl and the temperatures dip, and dip, and dip.

And another one bites the dust...

I have no idea why, but when I heard about yet another long-term marriage breaking up recently, this is the song that started playing in my head:

"And another one gone, and another one gone
Another one bites the dust
Hey, I'm gonna get you too
Another one bites the dust

How do you think I'm going to get along,
without you, when you're gone
You took me for everything that I had,
and kicked me out on my own

Are you happy, are you satisfied
How long can you stand the heat
Out of the doorway the bullets rip
To the sound of the beat

Another one bites the dust"

I'm not really a Queen fan, but this song came out in 1980, just about the time I started caring what kind of music I listened to.  I played it often on my tape recorder/player, which looked something like this:

And I had to hold it up to a radio just to record songs.  My, how times have changed.  But, I digress...

Any time I hear about a marriage breaking up, two things happen:  I am saddened and feel for the family involved, and I take a closer look at my own marriage and wonder if things are really ok with us.

While I don't typically recommend divorce, I've seen some examples of it being the right thing to do.  I've never been through it personally, but I can see even from the outside that it leaves emotional scars and is not an easy undertaking. 

I can't help wondering how Darrell and I could be immune though.  Yes, this blog is called "Secrets of a Happy Marriage," but I'm sure you've guessed by now that we aren't always happy.  Life is tough.  Marriage is tough.  It's hard work.  And, yet, I don't believe that it's either just hard work or just good luck that has gotten us this far.

I'd love to proclaim a guarantee that Darrell and I will be together until one of us dies.  I believe in my heart and soul that this is true.  I absolutely cannot imagine life without him.  I believe our souls are bound together in a way that can't be undone.  And yet, I know that if we let down our guard, we could wake up one day and find ourselves growing apart rather than together. 

And, as I may have mentioned before, if ever I decide to leave Darrell or Darrell decides to leave me, he should fear for his life.  If you know me, you know that I am in no way a violent person.  But if there were reason enough to leave Darrell, I would sincerely want to kill him.  I'm fairly certain of this.

I certainly can't guarantee what the future will hold.  I can only hope that Darrell and I will have each other to rely on, the way we have for 21 years of marriage and over 24 years together.  In the meantime, I am reminded to pray for my marriage and keep up my guard.  I don't want to do this life on my own.

And, to you single moms (and dads) out there, I salute you.  I don't know how you manage without a live-in partner every day, every hour raising kids.

I hope 2014 brings good things to us all.

Looking Ahead

I know that for many, including me, 2013 won't be much missed.  For me, the year started out with an unsuccessful job search, but the distinct likelihood of a move due to my husband's quick and successful job search.  The question was quickly becoming not whether we'd move from the most stable and loved family home we'd had in our 20-year marriage, but whether that move would take us to Indy (preferred) or "the middle of nowhere Ohio" (as we fondly refer to New Bremen, Ohio).

It was, in a word, hard.  In the span of two weeks in early/mid-April, my son had surgery, we moved out of our home of seven years, and I started a new job (remotely).  All of this while Darrell was already living in Indiana.  But as hard as it all was, every step of the process fell right into place, like a puzzle that had already been planned in advance for us.  It was emotionally difficult, but it all just worked out.  I choose to believe that had to be God's doing, because it certainly was not something we could have accomplished on our own.

I'd love to tell you that we've found replacements for everything that so filled our hearts in Lexington, but that wouldn't be true either.  We've made friends with a family that we quickly bonded with here that I think will last forever.  We've begun making other new friends, including a dear lady I work with and workout with (just really met the rest of her family recently).  We've learned ways to cling to friends in Lexington, like meeting halfway to get my kids and their friends to each other for some weekends, and some of our friends who have already visited us here.  I don't plan on ever letting go of those dear friendships, but those who know me well, know I'm also not the best "phone/long-distance" friend, and for that I can only apologize.

We have found fun things to do.  If anything, we like our new house better, which I didn't think was possible as we considered the move.  We've increased our income significantly with me in a salaried job again, while reducing our long-term expenses and debt by buying a less expensive house (thank you, affordable Indy suburb housing market!).

And I know that what we went through in 2013 was really so much easier than other difficulties some have had.  I have a friend who went through a divorce after a long marriage, an aunt who made it through a liver transplant, other friends who lost dear family members, found out they (or a love one) had cancer, lost a job, and so many other worse things than we experienced in 2013.  For all of you, I pray that 2014 is a much better year!

So, with all that, it's time for us to look forward to 2014.  I don't really make New Year's resolutions.  I have goals, I just don't tend to wait for a new year to start them.  But, there are certainly things I look forward to with 2014, and feel happy to leave behind in 2013.  My hopes and plans for 2014 include:

• Stability in where we live and in jobs.  We have no plans to move for 9 years (long enough to get our son through high school graduation) and pray that both of our jobs are stable for 2014.
• I want to read more in 2014.  That is one of the things that definitely gave way with the hectic year that was 2013.  I realized just today that at least half of the books that I "read" in 2013 were audiobooks.  While not all bad, I want that ratio to be different for 2014, and I want to add in more non-fiction.
• I want to lead and show more love to my children.  I couldn't love them more than I do, but I can better show them my love.  And we have only two and a half years left with our daughter at home full-time to lead and instruct her, and to show her just how much she is loved.  I'm not completely sure how this all looks.  I think it was started for us in 2013 with choosing a church based more on her needs, and with our weekly family Bible studies, but I know that we can do better.
• I want to repriortize on healthy eating for the whole family.  I try to set a good example with what Darrell calls my "nuts and berries" eating, but I need to try even harder to find ways to get us all to eat better.
• I want to run at least one half marathon in 2014.  I went all of 2013 without one, which I think was a first for me since 2009.  I don't plan to let that happen again, at least not unless and until a future health problem prevents me from running at all.
• Darrell and I have decided to tithe in 2014.  It's been a while since we committed 10% of our incomes to giving.  I know that I should trust that it will work out.  Even recently, I've seen the way God takes care of us (giant healthcare increase more than covered by an unexpected raise), but why does it always still scare me?

There, that's it.  Six things to focus on for 2014.  No problem, right?  What are your goals for 2014?  Did you have a rough year in 2013 like we did?

The Road Not Traveled

Do you ever wonder, "What if?"  Our lives are a series of decisions, and some seemingly small ones make such a big difference.  Sometimes the decisions others make have a huge affect on our lives as well.

I probably spend more time than I should thinking about those branches of my path and life that might have been, and wondering what they may have been like.

• What if I had stayed with my boyfriend from home instead of breaking up with him for Darrell?  Would I have spent years as a military wife and would that have appeased my sense of adventure with many moves that way?
• What if Darrell's oncology team had gone with the original plan to give him the chemotherapy combination with a 99% infertility rate?  Would we have spent years trying to get conceive with no success?
• What if we had decided to try for each of our kids at just slightly different times?  I can't imagine not having the two amazing kids I've given my heart to and would lay down my life for at any time.

I could seriously go on like this for ages.  I even made a chart to highlight several of the big decisions and milestones just for the first 10 years of my adult life (from age 18-28):

 

The dotted lines lead to completely different and unknown paths.  And these are just the big events that stand out for me personally.  I have no idea all the ways my life touched others, or even the ways that perhaps I should have helped or touched others and didn't.

God gave us free will, but I also believe that he has a plan for each of us.  That's one of the tougher aspects of Christianity to completely grasp, in my opinion.  Does God help connect the dotted lines back to our planned path when we make the "wrong" decision?  I'm not sure, but I do know that sometimes he has redeemed the decisions in my life that I either should not have made, or that seemed to take me astray at the time.

I worked one job I disliked, in part because for most of the time I commuted an hour and a half each way while pregnant, but we found a way for me to stay home with our daughter for a while, and I'll forever treasure that time as a new mom with her (even though some days were more difficult than anything I've done before or since).  I worked another job I disliked for three years.  Then I started a small business that ultimately failed.  Then Darrell's job kept going downhill, and the only way to fix it all seemed to be moving away from the only place that had truly become home to both of us.  But every step of the way, things fell right into place.  God seemed to be telling us all along that this move was his plan, even if we didn't know why.  It was the first time in my life that I really felt that way, and it has been very comforting.

What about you?  What is your path, and do you ever wonder about the roads you turned away from along the way?

Talk with them a lot. And then talk with them more.

I hesitate to give advice on anything related to raising kids for two big reasons:

1. I've found way too many parenting books, columns, etc. that give conflicting advice.  The main thing I've learned from this is that different tactics work for different families AND kids are not as predictable as we'd like to think.
2. My kids aren't grown yet.  While I doubt that either of my two are going to end up in jail or anything even more drastic, I suspect I have some rebellious years ahead of me.  And I estimate that a good amount of what they turn out to be has little to do with me anyway.  Sure, what Darrell and I do can help make them better or worse, but there are innate qualities they have that I can't take credit for.  Kids from good families can go astray.  Kids from bad families can turn out great.

But, I'm going to go out on a limb on this one.  Talk to your kids - often and openly.  And I am saying this as much to remind myself as to give advice to anyone else.

I was a quiet kid, and still tend to be fairly quiet and need some alone time to function well.  I was so sure that I would have at least one quiet child.  Nope.  I have the kids unafraid to ask for help finding something in a store, unafraid to read aloud in front of their entire class, unafraid to challenge what their own mom and dad say even.  I have the kids with voices that "carry" sometimes in school.  The ones I get asked about their hearing, because they talk loud.  Now, mind you, they get great behvior reports in school, because they don't talk at inappropriate times, they are just plain louder than average when they do talk (which at home seems to be ALL THE TIME).

And they don't seem to mind carrying on two entirely separate conversations with me in the car.  Yes, there are many times when I get to discuss my daughter's friend's latest boyfriend while I also carry on a conversation about Minecraft.  All while they talk over each other and expect frequent input from me.  Do you know how difficult that is for someone who definitely leans towards the introverted side?

But, I try.  I tell my kids they can come to us with anything.  They know they might as well fess up if they've done something wrong because the consequences are SO much higher if they lie.  I handled the birds and the bees discussion with my son, even though I swore it was Darrell's turn with him, because I answered when he asked. 

Have I had to hide in the bathroom on occasion for alone time?  What mom hasn't?  Have I been known to ask (possibly too loudly) them to JUST BE QUIET for a bit?  Sure.  Is my daughter's tendency to talk back in part due to my encouragement to speak her mind?  Perhaps.

I also think lots of family talk and discussion promotes things like a good vocabulary and general intelligence.  They learn things from us.  They learn to be inquisitive and question the world around them.

And let them see you interacting with other adults.  My kids have seen Darrell and I argue.  They've also seen us apologize to each other, kiss, and make up.  We've each apologized to them from time to time as well.  And my kids see that I have a life outside my family.  They see me work, they see me with other friends.

So, we talk.  And talk, and talk...  And I hope that means something to them someday.

Matriarchy of Strong Women

I grew up in a family of strong women.  Yesterday would have been my Papaw's 89th birthday, but he didn't quite live to see 80.  He was perhaps the most kind, sensitive man I've ever met.  I'm blessed that he got to meet both of my children, although he was sickly long before my son was born, and since he passed away so soon after, I don't have a single picture of the two together.

My Papaw cooked and cleaned as much as my Meme, and not just after he retired from the coal mines.  They worked together in the garden.  I have no doubt that Papaw was a strong man, too.  He was a coal miner when that meant a lot of very physical work, and when it was an even more dangerous job.  He was a first generation American, born to immigrant parents from Hungary.  He was a big man, until he grew old.  But, he was also one of the younger children in his family.  A boy who got to finish high school, while his older sisters did not.

My Meme, on the other hand, was first-born.  A girl in a time when boys were still worth more, perhaps, but she was expected to help much more at home, I'm sure.  She had lots of younger sisters and brothers to help take care of, to "borrow" her clothes, etc.  Although her family were not immigrants, she grew up equally poor at the end of the Great Depression.

Meme is small, but feisty.  And what she lacks in physical strength, she seems to have in mental acuity.  She's smart, and she knows how to get her way and get things done.  She's not afraid of hard work, but she doesn't always have to work hard to get her way.  When she talks, people seem to listen.  I think to this day, I may be the only one besides the kids who isn't afraid of her, just a little.  I think kids identify with her because she's closer to their size, and usually willing to play with them, and give them just about anything they want.  But adults take her seriously, and naturally want to please her.

You see, there was never any question growing up who was "in charge".  That would be Meme.  The matriarch now perhaps because she so beautifully represents her generation, but always the matriarch as far back as I can remember as well.

The only way my parents really repeated the pattern is that the oldest daughter married the youngest son.  I always saw my parents' marriage as more of a balance of power.  There were things my mom was in charge of and things my dad was in charge of, and in most ways, I've tried to model my own marriage much more after that compared to my Meme and Papaw's marriage.

And I grew up a girl in a time when the world was a girl's for the taking.  My father let me know that I could be anything a man could, and if anything, he implied that I had more power than a man due to what a man would want from me.  I will never forget the "no boy wants to just be your friend" speeches.  My father had two girls, and I suspect he would have liked a boy, but he didn't let that stop him from doing "boy" things.  He sent me to a gun safety/target shooting class and took me hunting.  He rode a bike alongside me while I trained for track.

But, even in my family, if you really wanted to do or get something, you knew who to ask.  Mom.  Mom was the everyday disciplinarian, even if it was Dad's discipline that we most feared.  Mom was the gatekeeper of going to a friend's house and first dates (she had to meet the boy first).

By the time I was ready to have my own children, I was convinced that any differences between boys and girls were due to what we as a society teach them.  I was at least 50% completely wrong.  Boys and girls are in fact born very different, and I think God gave me one of each to teach me that.  But that's also a topic enough its own story to not get into here.

After years and years of mostly girls (three girls for my Meme and Papaw and two for Mom and Dad), my aunt began a trend of mostly boy children.  Meme is still firmly the matriarch of the family, and there have been glimpses that perhaps my mom will take over that role someday.  But I wonder after that how things will continue.  Although, my own daughter, also firstborn but the only girl granddaughter on both sides of the family, is very strong willed.  I can see her leading her own matriarchy someday, and I'd love to live to see the start of that. 

Four Generations of First-born Girls