My body makes cysts. I had a cyst in my left ear removed when I was three. I've had tubal cysts and breast cysts (in addition to other benign lumps). I had cystic acne from my teens through my thirties. When most women find a lump in their breast, they worry about the possibilities of breast cancer. The good thing is that I've really never worried about that, but only because it always turns out to be a benign lump or cyst for me. Still not fun, but very much not life-threatening.
By far the worst of all this was the acne. You see, I didn't have the kind that was from not washing my face well, being too harsh when I washed, eating the wrong foods, or any of that. It didn't matter what I did or tried - it just wouldn't go away. I visited the dermatologist regularly. I used just about every kind of medication that they try for it, including daily antibiotics and Accutane. Sometimes it would get better for a while, but I have the scars to prove that it just kept coming back. Other kids probably thought I just wasn't taking good enough care of my skin, and yes, a few mean ones even made fun of me for it. And I didn't have the kind of acne that just looks bad - it sometimes really hurt and the ones that were more like cysts were deep and could last for months at a time. I'll spare you the details, but it was quite frankly pretty awful. I was the girl in school who used makeup and hairstyles to cover up, not to even try to be in style or beautiful. Concealer, foundation, and bangs were my dear friends, and I didn't leave home without them.
I was already shy before any of this started, but I can assure you that it magnified that and squelched any confidence I might have had as a teenager. I had a few really good friends in high school, but mostly I hated the whole experience. I somehow managed to have several boyfriends. I was lucky enough to look pretty good in other ways - not too heavy and not too thin, average height, blonde hair, green eyes - and I was intelligent. Of course, I was also the only person I know of to graduate with a GPA over 3.9 (out of 4) who didn't get invited into National Honor Society, but that just made me hope that everyone noticed the highest honors sash without the NHS patch at high school graduation. And except on my bad days, that seemed like a fair enough trade.
Until recently, my body always healed well, too. My eyes healed TOO quickly when I had PRK (like Lasik) vision correction surgery. And I get pregnant easily, even with a husband that who had a 50% chance of being sterile by the time we tried. I'm proof that the pill works well for years (with all the caveats about taking it correctly and using something else when on an antibiotic, of course). This may also sound strange, but I think all of these are somehow related. My body makes cells well, and at least so far, noncancerous ones. Sometimes they are totally useless cells that make up cysts, but still.
So now, years later, I feel lucky to have had horrible acne. Despite it, I look younger than my age. I have two of the most perfect (to me) children I could have ever imagined. I have a husband who loves my inner beauty at least as much as what's on the inside, and I don't doubt that he always will. I'm healthy enough to run regularly. It doesn't hurt that it has finally, after 40, the acne has almost gone away. It wasn't much better in my 20s the way everyone said it would be. But it also seemed like I gradually got over it first, and then it really started going away. And sometimes I wonder if that was the point. I still get the occasional pimple and probably always will, but that is so much easier to deal with than breakouts all over my face. And it taught me a lot. How to overcome a trial - it sounds kind of trivial now, looking back, but for years I thought this really was the "thorn in my flesh" to deal with and learn to overcome. Now, I can do things I was scared to death to do in my teens and 20s. And it made later things easier to deal with, I think. Like when my second child stretched my belly button beyond recognition and gave me stretch marks. I made the best of what I had and since I didn't wear bikinis before kids, it didn't really hurt my wardrobe choices either.
I'm convinced that everyone has something they are insecure about, and for women at least, it usually has something to do with our bodies. I feel like it took me years, but that I've let it go. I couldn't have written about this five years ago, and to talk about it probably would have made me cry (if not in front of you, at least by myself later). I think letting it go has made my life richer, including my marriage. I don't want to imply that I have it all together now or that I think I look spectacular, but I'm finally confident in my own skin, and that's a great feeling.
And I think you can have that, too. If you don't already, I hope you have great relationships (with God, family, and friends) that can get you there.
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