Don't worry, I haven't completely given up on marriage advice. (Sorry to those who were hoping I had.) It's just a little tougher to write about it or feel like you are helping someone else out when things aren't going as well. It's kind of like typical Facebook posts. Do we update about all the bad stuff in our lives? No, of course not. From the outside, one would guess that we all have intelligent/wonderful/beautiful children and lives.
I try to tell my kids that everyone has problems that you probably just don't know about. The most popular kid in school has something wrong with her, some problem she's struggling with, divorced parents, or who knows what other issue that troubles her at night. No one is perfect, even if they look like it from the outside. I try to get them to think about that when they are convinced that they just aren't good enough in some way. No one is, and that's ok. I also try to get them to think about that when someone says or does something mean to them. That person may be going through something tough that we don't know about, and we have to offer the same grace that we are offered for our own mistakes. And, personally, I'd much rather my kids and myself be good on the inside than work too hard on outside beauty anyway. God is kind enough to let that inside goodness shine outside of us more often than we think.
So, marriage isn't always easy. It's not always on an up cycle. And lately, it feels a little like Darrell and I have swung to a tougher point. The few years before, I don't think we argued at all, everything seemed to be humming along quite smoothly. And then, bam, life hit full force again. The future of his job became very uncertain. We decided that I needed to step up my job search, and yet, I still wasn't getting many solid leads. The kids started having more issues than they'd had in a while. Darrell wanted to try going off of his anti-anxiety medication for a while.
And it's not really that things are that bad now. It's just that they aren't as good as they were for a while, so it feels a little blah. You know? Luckily, we've been married long enough to have the tools to work through this little "blah". We've certainly had tougher situations to get through together. And I love having the solidity of a life-long partner to work through this crazy life.
Some days and even weeks lately, we mostly seem to just be parental partners taking our kids to one activity or another, discussing finances, etc. And we need to work on that, no doubt. But, I know that there will always be ups and downs along the way. And I'm good with that.
Friday, September 21, 2012
Thursday, September 6, 2012
A lot of what you want won't even make you happy
I have a theory. Actually, I have lots of theories, but I try not scare people off with too many of them at once.
Most of us need a lot less to be happy than we think we do. And a corollary to that is, contentment is awesome.
I want a job. I have good reasons. The company where my husband works is far from stable right now. I want to reduce some of the stress I know he feels (but is sweet enough to not really complain about) being our sole financial support right now. I don't want us to be put into a position that we'd have to move for the first job that came along if he did get laid off, and that's very likely if it happened now with me between gainful employment. I have about the same earning potential as he. We want to save more for our kids' college educations (coming up in less than four years now for our older one!). We want to pay off our house before we're 60.
And yes, I'm also one of those women who likes to have a job outside the home. I am in no way knocking women, or men, who stay home full time. I've done that for a while a few times, both now and when our daughter was a baby. It's hard work. When kids are small, they alone are a full-time job. When they're in school, it's a part-time job just running them all the places they need to be. Add cleaning your house, fixing meals, and other things you can take care of in and outside the home, and it again makes up a full-time job with lots of overtime. Every single-parent household or household where both parents work certainly deserves hiring someone else to clean the house, in the very least.
But I'm getting off-topic. I don't absolutely need the money from a job. Darrell makes enough to pay our bills. He just doesn't make enough for all that extra stuff, at least not as fast as we'd love to have some of it. That extra stuff we don't really need. I think (hope) that's why I'm being really careful in my job hunt this time. It has to be something I like, not something I'm doing just to ratchet us up to a larger income bracket. And you'd be surprised how quickly we (and everyone else I've ever known) can spend all that extra money on stuff and not have anything more to show for it. We literally halved our income when I left my corporate job to try to start my own business (which failed, but that's also another blog post topic...). And you know what? Except for not saving for the kids for college lately, I don't miss the income. Yes, I clean the house myself instead of paying someone. We eat at home almost every night instead of eating out or getting take-out nearly every evening. I spend WAY less on clothes than I did then. I use my spare time to hunt for deals and get the best price on everything I can. Also, we don't have kids in daycare or preschool anymore, so it helps with a major expense cut out of the budget (our kids go to public school).
There have even been recent studies done about the income amount that makes you happiest in the US. The funny thing is, right now we earn pretty close to what the study indicated. I don't remember if it was for an individual, or a family of four like ours, but I understand why that's about the right amount from experience. There was a time when I was working too much, significantly more hours a week than Darrell. He pitched in a lot at home, but I was still unhappy. I want a job, but I don't need to earn as much as I did and I need to still be there for my kids in the late afternoon/evenings and on weekends. I don't know if I'll find a job that fits all of this, but I'm looking.
And I think everyone can learn to be happier on less. Some of you may think that's easy for me to say if your household income is lower. But it can be fun to find ways to save money, and you usually don't miss things as much as you thought you would. We've gone years without cable before. Darrell essentially lived on Ramen noodles in college one summer. We often sell things on eBay and Craigslist to bring in some extra income for things we want more. We're garage sale shoppers, clearance bin searchers, etc.
I know I could be happy with only these things: God, my husband, my kids, our health, a comfortable home (I'd prefer to keep my current one, but would be fine in a smaller one if necessary), enough food to keep us from being hungry, and enough clothes. Ok, one more please, I want to keep my smartphone. I'm blessed beyond measure that I've never had to live with less than this, at least not for very long. I know there are so many people that don't get even this much, and I should be seeking them out more often to give away some of the abundance that I have.
But I do have contentment. I have more than I ever dreamed of, and I hope my children learn that contentment. My daughter still seems surprised when I say I'd never want a bigger, fancier home. I've never cared about designer clothes. Like most women I know, I like to look nice in my clothing, but that's never been dependent on a brand or designer label, and I'm glad for that. I've only had one good haircut in about three years, and I'm much more ok with that than I thought I'd be. I'm not always content. Like everyone else, I struggle sometimes with wanting more, mostly related to wanting things for my kids in their future. But, today, I am content. And I hope and pray that's something that everyone gets to experience, at least at points in your life. I think you'll be surprised that it can take less than you think.
I want a job, but I don't need it right now. Maybe that's why I haven't found it yet?
Most of us need a lot less to be happy than we think we do. And a corollary to that is, contentment is awesome.
I want a job. I have good reasons. The company where my husband works is far from stable right now. I want to reduce some of the stress I know he feels (but is sweet enough to not really complain about) being our sole financial support right now. I don't want us to be put into a position that we'd have to move for the first job that came along if he did get laid off, and that's very likely if it happened now with me between gainful employment. I have about the same earning potential as he. We want to save more for our kids' college educations (coming up in less than four years now for our older one!). We want to pay off our house before we're 60.
And yes, I'm also one of those women who likes to have a job outside the home. I am in no way knocking women, or men, who stay home full time. I've done that for a while a few times, both now and when our daughter was a baby. It's hard work. When kids are small, they alone are a full-time job. When they're in school, it's a part-time job just running them all the places they need to be. Add cleaning your house, fixing meals, and other things you can take care of in and outside the home, and it again makes up a full-time job with lots of overtime. Every single-parent household or household where both parents work certainly deserves hiring someone else to clean the house, in the very least.
But I'm getting off-topic. I don't absolutely need the money from a job. Darrell makes enough to pay our bills. He just doesn't make enough for all that extra stuff, at least not as fast as we'd love to have some of it. That extra stuff we don't really need. I think (hope) that's why I'm being really careful in my job hunt this time. It has to be something I like, not something I'm doing just to ratchet us up to a larger income bracket. And you'd be surprised how quickly we (and everyone else I've ever known) can spend all that extra money on stuff and not have anything more to show for it. We literally halved our income when I left my corporate job to try to start my own business (which failed, but that's also another blog post topic...). And you know what? Except for not saving for the kids for college lately, I don't miss the income. Yes, I clean the house myself instead of paying someone. We eat at home almost every night instead of eating out or getting take-out nearly every evening. I spend WAY less on clothes than I did then. I use my spare time to hunt for deals and get the best price on everything I can. Also, we don't have kids in daycare or preschool anymore, so it helps with a major expense cut out of the budget (our kids go to public school).
There have even been recent studies done about the income amount that makes you happiest in the US. The funny thing is, right now we earn pretty close to what the study indicated. I don't remember if it was for an individual, or a family of four like ours, but I understand why that's about the right amount from experience. There was a time when I was working too much, significantly more hours a week than Darrell. He pitched in a lot at home, but I was still unhappy. I want a job, but I don't need to earn as much as I did and I need to still be there for my kids in the late afternoon/evenings and on weekends. I don't know if I'll find a job that fits all of this, but I'm looking.
And I think everyone can learn to be happier on less. Some of you may think that's easy for me to say if your household income is lower. But it can be fun to find ways to save money, and you usually don't miss things as much as you thought you would. We've gone years without cable before. Darrell essentially lived on Ramen noodles in college one summer. We often sell things on eBay and Craigslist to bring in some extra income for things we want more. We're garage sale shoppers, clearance bin searchers, etc.
I know I could be happy with only these things: God, my husband, my kids, our health, a comfortable home (I'd prefer to keep my current one, but would be fine in a smaller one if necessary), enough food to keep us from being hungry, and enough clothes. Ok, one more please, I want to keep my smartphone. I'm blessed beyond measure that I've never had to live with less than this, at least not for very long. I know there are so many people that don't get even this much, and I should be seeking them out more often to give away some of the abundance that I have.
But I do have contentment. I have more than I ever dreamed of, and I hope my children learn that contentment. My daughter still seems surprised when I say I'd never want a bigger, fancier home. I've never cared about designer clothes. Like most women I know, I like to look nice in my clothing, but that's never been dependent on a brand or designer label, and I'm glad for that. I've only had one good haircut in about three years, and I'm much more ok with that than I thought I'd be. I'm not always content. Like everyone else, I struggle sometimes with wanting more, mostly related to wanting things for my kids in their future. But, today, I am content. And I hope and pray that's something that everyone gets to experience, at least at points in your life. I think you'll be surprised that it can take less than you think.
I want a job, but I don't need it right now. Maybe that's why I haven't found it yet?
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