Let it go...

Sometimes, one or the other of you is going to just plain mess up, do the wrong thing, or hurt the other in some way.  I know Darrell and I each certainly have.  And even when you think you've forgiven the other person, it can be tough to really let it go.

I don't even have really great suggestions for how to not only forgive, but also let it go.  I can tell you that the two things I think that have helped me with this are:  to pray about the situation and for God's help; and, I almost hate to put this in the same sentence, but the other is just getting older.

See, I kind of like my 40's so far.  I don't seem to stress as much about little slights that I'm sure I've caused other people, and I also don't get so hurt by the little things that everyone else does.  I forgive myself and I forgive others much more easily than I used to.  And, really, I think it's at least in part because I've just gotten older, experienced more, and finally realized that we really all do make mistakes, and no matter how hard we try or how much grace God gives us, we continue to make mistakes.  Even when I think I've over come one problem, it either comes back up again maybe even years later, or a new personal problem seems to crop up in its place.  This used to drive me crazy.  Now, not so much.  I'm not saying I don't try to improve.  I just don't beat myself up about it so much along the way.

I learned something about myself recently though.  Although I am quick to forgive myself and others and seem to have an easier time letting go than I used to, I still have a tough time letting go of even small slights that come from corporations, or any kind of businesses that I deal with that do something I deem as wrong.  I'm still trying to figure out why that is, because it really only recently occurred to me that I'm this way.  I think Darrell is also.  I think it's part of why he left five different companies and we moved from state to state before finally finding a job that he liked.  So, I have more to mull over.

In the meantime, I'm going to forgive my husband for leaving junk out all over the kitchen counter the past few days.  That I can handle.

Understand when it's just a misunderstanding

Darrell has a cold.  His voice sounds totally different than normal (at least to me).  A friend said that he has a "deep, sexy voice" right now, but to me, he just sounds different.  It's funny how accustomed to someone you can get after more than 20 years together.  I didn't even realize how much meaning I put just into the tone of his voice.  Usually, I'm pretty accurate.  I can tell within a few seconds if Darrell is upset, stressed, hurt, happy, etc.  Sometimes I can tell just by looking at him, but once he says a few words, I'm sure.  But today, we ended up in an argument, in large part because I thought he was being a jerk, not so much based on what he was saying, but the way I thought he was saying it.  Once I stopped and thought about it, I realized that most of the reason was just because his voice sounds so different right now.  I don't think he meant to sound mean (which he said at the time, but I guess I just didn't believe him).  Anyway, I learned a new lesson today through this.  Sometimes it surprises me that I can learn new things about a relationship after so long, but I often do.  That's just one of the many things that makes a long-term marriage interesting.  I like it.  I think I'll keep him : )

Be each other's biggest fan

I think I've mentioned that Darrell and I don't have all of the same interests.  We each have several hobbies, but they don't overlap a lot.  We are each good at different things.  But, while we might work and pursue some interests separately, we cheer for each other more than anyone else.  Sometimes, we really appreciate what the other has done or is accomplishing.  Sometimes, we at least understand that it has taken a lot of work.  And, sometimes, we just fake it, and that's ok, too (although if that's always the case, I suspect it could be indicative of a problem).

Darrell and I even have what we call "oooh and ahhh" duty.  If one of us has, say, refinished four kitchen chairs with countless hours of sanding and four coats of Tung oil, the other might be expected to frequently admire the progress.  If the other has purchased a ride-on mower for only $250 and sands off the rust spots and repaints it and gets it running again, the one may be expected to comment on how it looks and what a good deal he got, even though she doesn't understand what was wrong with the riding mower he already had.  Hypothetically, of course...

Everyone needs someone to cheer for them, and sometimes Darrell is my only cheering section.  I love that about him.  And I love that I get to share this life and cheer for him, too.  I may not always appreciate what he does, but I like to think that I'm always his biggest fan.

It Starts with Mothers

Have you ever wondered why life starts within our bodies, why we carry that precious life for nine months before we even get to meet those precious little people that become our children?  It's so amazing.  There are so many reasons that I believe in God, but the miracle of creating life within me is certainly one of them.

It all starts with moms.  I didn't really know how much my mom loved me until I had a child of my own.  She told me that you love your kids more than your husband.  What I ended up learning is that it is a completely different kind of love than the love for your spouse.  I really don't think now that one is stronger than the other, but they are just so different.  I would step in front of a train, a bullet, or any other danger to protect my child.  I would expect Darrell to protect himself.  It would be very hard, but I think I could live without Darrell.  I can't even begin to imagine how I could live without my kids - if I lost one of them I think I'd go on somehow for the other; if I lost both, well, I can't even bring myself to think about that.  On the other hand, I am raising these children to go out into the world on their own, while I am loving my husband to live with for the rest of our lives.  By loving Darrell, I show my children what a good marriage can be, and hope and pray that they each find exceptional mates of their own.  The two loves are different, but just as important.

When you have one child, you can't imagine that you could love the next as much.  You worry that you'll be taking something away from the first child.  And if you wait several years between the two like we did, maybe you worry about it more than some do.  But then, almost magically, your mother love expands the minute you see that second child.  And, suddenly, you realize that this love is just as strong.  It's ok even to love your two children a little differently - they are different people after all.  But  you love them just as much.  It's amazing, really.

My mother gave me so much, without asking for anything in return.  She was still a teenager when I was born.  And although happily married, she dropped out of college for me.  She didn't get to go back to finish college until I was in middle school.  I'm sure a lot of her dreams were put on hold, maybe even given up entirely, just for me.  I can't remember ever wanting for anything.  I could ask for whatever I wanted for Christmas, and then I'd get it.  She even let Santa get me all the good stuff.  She made great dinners, sent me off to school in cute clothes, kissed my "boo boos", gave us a great home, and took my sister and I to church even though our dad did not go with us.  She was overprotective of us, so I wasn't allowed to do a lot of the things my friends were.  That may sound negative, but looking back, I realize that I easily avoided trouble that I may have found otherwise.  She gave us responsibilities at home including keeping our rooms tidy and helpling clean the house.  And I didn't even know to appreciate any of this until I had a child of my own at age 27.

And that man I love so much?  The one I've called husband for nearly 20 years?  He has a wonderful mother.  Many of the great qualities I love in him came from her.  She wanted him for so long, trying to get pregnant for several years.  I'm sure she gave as much of herself to her son and daughter as my mother gave to us.  She tried to continue teaching for a while after finally having kids, but then gave that up to be home with her kids.  She's not a natural cook, but she provided well-balanced meals for her family anyway.  She insisted on moving away from the city so that they could have a better home on the river.  She was frugal, not even buying things I'm sure she wanted, so that her kids could go to college and not worry about having to pay anything for it.  You never have to worry about clean clothes in her house, and when she visits us, she is likely to fold any clothes she might find lingering in my dryer.  She raised a wonderful son, and then gave him away to me without question.

Thank you, Mom.  I can't imagine where I'd be without you.  You gave me everything and more. 

And thank you to the other lady I've come to also call "Mom", the wonderful mother of my husband.

Show me the money!

I think because we married so young, there are a lot of approaches to life that Darrell and I kind of stumbled into together.  Don't get me wrong, we both thought we had everything planned, but two kids barely out of their teens know a lot less about life than they think they do.  Our approach to managing our finances is a great example of this.

We were very lucky.  We got married just before our senior year of college, and Darrell's parents gave us the balance of his college savings account to live on that year.  My parents also gave us a few hundred dollars a month up until graduation, and then gave us the balance of my college savings account as well.  I managed a part-time job tutoring up to ten hours a week, but Darrell carried more credit hours in engineering and spent more time on homework and projects than I had to, so he didn't have a job during college.  We also received gifts of money and savings bonds as wedding gifts, which we were smart enough to put away and save long-term.  We both had full-tuition scholarships, and I had another small scholarship that covered my books and some fees.  Anyway, all of this gave us enough money to pay rent and utilities, buy food, fix what we had to in the mobile home we lived in, and even have a little spending money now and then.  It also meant that we were able to graduate without any debt, and put down a small down payment on our first house.  We didn't go on much of a honeymoon, but I wouldn't change a thing - If I had to do it over, if anything I would have married Darrell sooner - I still wouldn't wait until we graduated.

I'm not sure which of us I expected to manage our daily finances once we married.  We'd each been managing our own small checking and savings accounts up until then, and decided we would combine our accounts.  It's not like there was really all that much to combine anyway.  We had discussed a lot before marriage, and knew each other quite well, but I really did not realize that those glances Darrell gave to his ATM receipts after withdrawing cash were his way of balancing his checking account.  Apparently, his approach before we married was to call his dad when the balance ran low.

I guess that approach worked ok when his dad was managing his college savings fund.  Darrell was fairly responsible and not just out spending the money on frivolous things (if you don't count the motorcycle he also talked his dad into buying for him).  But, now we were managing what was left of that money.  When you put it together with what my parents were giving us and what I earned tutoring, I knew it should get us through senior year and maybe even carry us through a few months of job-hunting after.  But, if we weren't careful, there could be problems.  And I certainly didn't feel comfortable balancing our accounts by ATM receipts!  Had this crazy guy I'd just married never heard of banking errors???

I think I might have even worried that if I insisted on taking over managing our finances, it might cause an argument, but I don't think Darrell minded a bit.  I remember it being a pretty simple discussion, and after that first month of seeing how he did it and watching him pay bills, I just started doing it instead.  We've always had all combined accounts since then, and I've always managed the day-to-day finances.  Darrell does seem more interested in our long-term retirement savings and 401K's, so he has taken to managing that.  As for our regular checking and savings account, Darrell only thinks about it at all when I tell him our finances are tight or when he needs me to give him a check in the rare event he needs to write one.  We have a certain dollar amount that each of us will spend without discussing it first (not including all of the recurring expenses like bills and groceries that I pay), but if either of us is considering a gift, something extra for the kids, or something for us that is higher, we discuss it first to make sure we both agree and that it fits in our budget.

I think we could both do better managing our money, but I also think we get a lot for what we do spend.  We are both big on shopping sales, clearances, and garage/yard sales.  When out shopping with us, our kids have known almost since they could talk that they were much more likely to get us to say yes to purchasing something for them on a great sale or clearance.  It was even a little embarrassing when our daughter was small and would tell anyone anything, including random people in Target who she had to tell all about the little trinket she had in the cart with her that her mommy was buying for her because it had the orange sticker.  Point is, we get good deals, but we are also both shoppers, so we should probably buy a lot less than we do.

I wouldn't say that either Darrell or I are qualified to give financial management advice, but we have found a system for managing our personal finances that works well for us, and that is important for any good marriage.

Simplify the Equation

I like algebra, calculus and statistics.  I can simplify fractions and polynomials, all while actually enjoying it.  I like to look at satisfaction trends, and dig into the other numbers and comments from a survey to come up with an explanation.  I somehow thought those things might translate well into an engineering degree in college.  They didn't, but I did get a math and stats degree.  Yes, I'm a geek, Darrell's a geek (actually, he's closer to a full-fledged nerd), and we are trying very hard to raise geeky children, but I digress.

Darrell and I decided before we even married that divorce was not an option.  Now, I've seen lots of cases of divorce being the right thing, or at least that it worked out well later on.  But, for me, there are only two reasons that I would divorce Darrell:  1. if he beat the kids or me; 2. if he cheated on me.  After 20 years, so far, so good on those two.  I know of couples who live together for a while after getting divorced.  I'm not saying that there aren't reasons for this, but if I ever want to divorce Darrell, he's going to need to move far, far away, because I'm going to want very badly to hurt him physically.  I don't admire that about myself, but I know that it's true.  Of course, go back to those two reasons being the only ones, and it might make a little more sense.

We both have examples of long marriages in our families.  I won't say that they are perfect marriages, just like I won't say that my marriage is perfect either.  But they stayed together and are committed to each other to this day.  My parents went through getting married as teenagers, having a daughter before either of them would be legally allowed to drink a beer today, going through a long layoff and a few career changes for my dad, my mom going back to school to become a teacher, taking many years to build their dream home because they could not afford to do it quickly, and raising my nephew just to name a few things.  Darrell's parents went through getting married right before his dad went off to fight in Vietnam, several years of infertility, his mother having (and surviving!) cancer when the kids were young, moving and uprooting two middle school kids, and surviving and learning to enjoy being retired together.

And that's the kind of legacy Darrell and I want to leave for our kids.  Divorce just isn't an option.  We've simplified the equation.  We just have to make it work, and so we do.  And you know what?  We're very happy, too.  Maybe not every day, but overall, this is the happiest marriage and happiest life I ever could have imagined.

Learn to Hug

I think hugging is a very under-rated skill.  I am quite sure that one of the reasons I fell in love with Darrell is because he is the best hugger I've ever met.  He has strong arms and I melt right into his shoulder.  If he is hugging me, I feel confident in that moment that nothing in this world can hurt me.  I can sometimes tell just by his hug whether he is happy, worried, upset, etc.

Kissing is nice, and we're not afraid to kiss in front of the kids - it's actually become a fun way to watch our teenager run from the room screaming "eeeeeeewww!!!!!".  And yes, sex is important to a good marriage.  But, hugging is the thing I don't think I could give up, and the form of contact I know that I would miss from him the most if I lost Darrell.

It's also one of those things you don't even know is great until you experience it.  My family isn't big into hugging.  And I have lots of memories of awkward hugs with a great aunt who put a lot of love into it, but it just seemed embarrassing to me.  Darrell's parents even hugged me the first time we met, and I thought that was really weird.  But, I learned the value of a good hug from Darrell.  I don't hesitate often anymore to reach out and hug a friend.  I doubt that I'm as good as it as Darrell is, but I now know how much compassion can be included with a hug.  It's something you can give a relative, a friend, your kids, your spouse, or even a stranger in need that really lets them know you care. A hug is one of the few things you really can do for anyone.

And so, I'm sold.  I think hugging is one of the best physical expressions of love that we have.  And as soon as my hubby walks in the door today, I'm going to get one of the best hugs this world has to offer.  I may even try to get a hug out of my teenager.  I hope you have a good hugger, too.

Two Sinks in the Master Bathroom

Maybe it's just us, but our marriage works better with two sinks. 

In our first house, we had only one bathroom with a tiny sink.  I would typically start getting ready for bed first, and as you should know, this process is a little longer for women than men.  It never seemed to fail that somewhere in this process, Darrell would come into the bathroom to brush his teeth.  He'd start off behind me, then beside me, and I swear before I knew what was happening, he'd be in front of me and I'd be trying to figure out how to finish up without good access to the sink.

Now, I should also say that we've never had a closed door policy between us when it comes to the bathroom.  I have a theory on this that most good marriages are open enough that each partner can go to the bathroom comfortably with the other in the room.  It may take some time together before this is the case, but after several years together, do you ladies really think that he doesn't know what goes on in there?  I'm sure there are folks that could prove me wrong, but really, I don't want to go into enough details to prove my point anyway.

In our second house, we had multiple bathrooms, but the master bathroom was still very small with only one sink.  I have to admit that I love multiple bathrooms in a house anyway.  It's a luxury that many of us take for granted, but isn't it great when you stop to think about it?  My parents are currently remodeling their main bathroom.  Now, they have two others with toilets and one of the others has a bathtub, but no other shower.  Yes, folks, that means nearly a month of no real shower.  And I found myself thinking that I didn't know if I could put up with that, until I thought for a few minutes about all the people in the world who have so much less than that.  Yes, I need to be brought back down a few rungs every now and then.

Our third house had an even bigger luxury though - two sinks in the master bathroom.  Ah, this is what peaceful marriage is all about.  Darrell and I could each brush our teeth in the same bathroom, but at different sinks.  We could chat while getting ready for bed, without me wanting to throttle him for usurping my sink time.  Ah...

There are a lot of things we look for when buying a new house.  After all, we're on our sixth one.  But, I will tell you one that makes me happier than many other things - our two sinks in the master bathroom.  Just one little piece of our married bliss.

A Tale of Two Presents

Everything was going well leading up to our very first Valentine's Day together.  I'd broken up with the boyfriend back home months before.  Darrell and I spent more time together than I'd ever spent with another person not in my immediate family.  He'd given me a pretty ring for Christmas.  We'd basically already decided that marriage was in our future.  And he gave me the most wonderful Valentine's gift - a plaque that he engraved himself with my favorite Bible verses.

Fast forward one year.  He gave me a book for Valentine's Day.  I cried.  Although, looking back, there was really a lot more to it than that.

Darrell had been spending a lot of time on a big project for one of his classes.  There were days I wouldn't see him at all, times that he would even stay at the lab through the night and not call me.  I wasn't used to that, even after spending a summer apart.  I was getting used to my new major, and still wondering if I'd made the right decision in changing it.  We each had roommate issues and parent issues.  It seemed like we were going to have to wait to even get engaged.

While shopping together one day before Valentine's Day, I picked up a book and started looking through it.  It was a new book in a series I liked, but it was just now out in hardback, so I put it down, thinking I'd wait and buy it when it was out in paperback and cost less.  A few days later, that's what I got for Valentine's Day from Darrell, and I felt disappointed that he'd get me a book I didn't even care enough about to buy myself before the paperback came out, compared to the gift from the year before that he'd worked so hard on.  I think it just set off all of the other feelings I was having then, too.

From his perspective, he thought he was getting me something I really wanted, something that I thought was too expensive to buy for myself right then.  He knew already how much I loved to read.  He wanted to make me happy, and tears were the last thing he'd expected.  He has seldom bought me a book since then, only a few times as a Christmas present among other presents.  Looking back, I love him for the thought he put into it, but at the time, all I could do is cry, and probably not even do a very good job of explaining why.

We all speak at least a slightly different language.  We have different experiences before we meet, and we have different cues and body language to help bring meaning to our conversations and actions.  It takes a long time and a lot of hard work to learn to understand all of those in your spouse.  I can't guarantee that you will stay together for the long run if you don't fully commit to trying, but I can just about guarantee that you won't stay together (at least happily) if you don't.

Just be nice!

It's what I tell my kids, my husband, and often have to remind myself.  For me, I think being nice is even a little selfish.  I learned early on that people are nicer to you if you are first nice to them.  It works with your parents, with your teachers, and even in customer service jobs.  Being nice is reflective.

I had to learn another lesson, too.  That even though you should always strive to be nice and to follow the Golden Rule, you can't let yourself be trampled over either.  Sometimes you have to stand up for yourself.  Sometimes you have to insist on good treatment.  As with most things, it's a careful balance.

But, why is it the most difficult to be consistently nice to the ones we love the most?  I think my kids view home as a safe place.  They are good all day in school (or so the teachers tell me).  They are good when at friends' homes (or so other parents tell me).  Sometimes they are so good and nice while out and about, by the time they get home, they kind of melt down.  And I'm not sure we ever completely grow out of this.  Darrell is the one I vent to the most.  I am his sounding board also.  It helps that we've learned a few ground rules with each other.

My ground rule for him is, I don't want you to fix it, I just want you to listen and sympathise with me.  His ground rule for me is, I'm not mad at you, but I'm in a really bad mood right now, and this is why (so please excuse any outbursts for the next few hours is usually implied).

We all have to work at it sometimes.  Sometimes I try to think about something I can do, say, or get for Darrell or my kids that will make them happy.  Even just some small thing I can do to be nice.  Or I bite my tongue when I'm about to say something mean.  Maybe I try to put a little humor in it when I'm about to snap at my kids.  I recently told my son that I was down to my last nerve, he was jumping up and down on it, and it was about to snap.  I think he got the picture, but he also laughed.

And they do the same for me, sometimes without even realizing it.  Darrell buys me a small piece of furniture while he is out shopping for something completely different (and gets a great deal for only $30, I might add).  My son writes a paragraph at school about me being his hero.  My daughter tells me dinner is actually a lot better than it looks (I interpret everything she says through the lens of her being a teenager, thankfully).

I often don't understand why some people seem to just be in a bad mood and mean all of the time.  The world is a nicer place when you are nice.  The world is a happier place if you are happy, even if you have to work at it.  And that certainly applies to your home and marriage, too.