The right kind of jealousy is a good thing.

I think jealousy gets a bad rap.  There is a type of jealousy that I think is good, something you actually want in a relationship.  The Bible tells us that God is a jealous God.  I used to wonder about that.  I mean, as kids weren't we all taught that it was wrong to be jealous?  We know that envy is bad, and really isn't jealousy just a synonym of envy?

But I also know that one of the first signs that I loved Darrell was when I was a little jealous of another girl who I could tell liked him. My college roommate was quick to let the girl know that he was already taken. Darrell acted like he didn't even know. But, that little spike of jealousy told me something important. This was a man I wanted all to myself; I didn't want to share. And that's ok. I'd even argue that it's healthy.

I'm certainly not advocating that either spouse actively do something to make the other one jealous. I've seen that behavior, and it just isn't nice. But, don't ever sell yourself short by settling for someone you've never been jealous to lose.

Just Do It!

It's not just for Nike commercials, but for me at least, it cuts two different ways.

On the one hand, there are a lot of things that I really don't want to do from day to day, but I know I need to.  I could just lie in bed and pretend that no one is depending on me, but unless I'm REALLY sick (and as a mom, that has to include symptoms like throwing up, having fevered hallucinations, etc.), I don't do that.  None of us like everything we have to do.  I love being a mother, but from day-to-day, there are things I don't like about it.  I love being married to Darrell, but there are days I really just don't even want to be nice to him.  I like having friends, but there are days I don't even want to leave my house to see any of them, let alone be nice to them or do something for them.  You get the picture.

I personally have two solutions to this dilemma:  Pray, and then, just do it!  And I'm usually a lot happier for having done it anyway.

On the other hand, there are a lot of things that I want to do "someday" or just when I have more time.  I want to play a board game with the kids.  I want to snuggle with each of them in bed.  I want to read more often to my son and maybe even try to get my teenage daughter to let me read to her.  But there never seems to be enough time in the day, especially at the end of it.  There's always another load of laundry, something else that needs cleaned, a report that needs to be written, a neat tech article or next chapter in a book that I want to read, etc.  But sometimes I have to just set all that aside to do what my kids will remember more.  And sometimes I do, but probably not often enough.

I always had in the back of my mind that I wanted to run a marathon before I turned 40.  This from a woman who'd given up running and gained 30 pounds over 15 or so years.  But, one day, after working up to it slowly over a year and a half, I finally did it.  And I had about one year to spare.

There are so many places and things I want to see, and some that I want to show my kids, too.  I want to go on another cruise, but Darrell doesn't.  I want all of us to see the Grand Canyon and for the kids to get to see Niagara Falls.  I want my daughter to get to go to Europe at a much younger age than I did (my 30's).  So, there are times I need to just take the leap, even when it seems like time and finances won't allow.  A friend invited me on a cruise this fall.  I'm going, and I can't wait.  It conveniently gets Darrell out of going on one with me and saves a lot of money doing it this way, too.  I get to hang out with some really great ladies for a week, all kid-free.

And as for the Grand Canyon, Niagara Falls, and Europe...  I don't have solid plans yet, but there will come a day I'll decide, and hopefully "just do it" while we still have the chance.

What about Dad?

In general, I don't think dads are given the credit or even the chance they deserve in raising kids.  I know and respect that there are definitely situations where the dad can't be fully involved or even present in raising kids, but that doesn't make it an any less important job than motherhood. 

I can't imagine what it would have been like to grow up without my dad.  He taught me to stick with things I'd committed to, even when the going got tough.  He encouraged me, rode a bicycle beside me sometimes when I ran, came to my track and cross country meets, watched me perform in dance recitals, band, etc.  He's not the easiest man to talk to, but he was always there for me.  I watched him overcome his own struggles, from injuries to succeeding at an entirely new career.  He showed me by example that you can do things on your own and with the help of a supportive family that seem impossible at the time.  I love him for all of this and so much more.

I can't imagine raising my kids without Darrell.  I'll be the first to admit that sometimes I find myself thinking that he doesn't do enough helping out with the kids.  And then he goes on a business trip, or I take the kids somewhere without him.  He changed diapers even though he didn't want to, sometimes he was the only one who could get Hunter to go to sleep as a baby, and he brought each kid to me in the middle of the night to nurse (he's a much lighter sleeper than I).  When I leave him alone with the kids, he doesn't do things my way, and it took me a while to figure out that my way wasn't the only right way.  They shower less often when I'm away, eat out more, and stay up later.  But, they do all that with a daddy who loves them unconditionally, just like I do. 

I am so grateful not to be a single parent.  Thank you, Dad and Darrell.  Thank you to all of the wonderful dads out there.  Happy Father's Day!

What makes us fall in love?

I watched a movie last night that really got me to wondering about what makes us fall in love in the first place.  And then, what (besides hard work and determination) keeps love going over years of marriage.

Darrell and I met so young that we didn't have time for many prior relationships or baggage going into our relationship.  I did have some dating experiences in high school that certainly helped shape what I was looking for in a man though.  I always found it much easier talking to boys that I didn't know well than striking up a conversation with similar girls.  I wasn't one of the pretty, popular girls.  I was a geek (not to be confused with a nerd, as I try to explain to my teenage daughter).  Perhaps worse, I was a band geek.  Oh, and I had a pretty bad case of acne all through high school, too.  But I also ran track and cross country.  Band and running put me into contact with boys who weren't in my classes, which was good, because the ones who copied off of me in class certainly weren't interested in asking me out. 

Luckily, I got to know some boys well enough and even started "dating" them before they found out how much higher my GPA was than theirs.  I'm not sure I was very nice, although I tried to be.  I broke up with boys for silly reasons.  And the one that I finally dated the longest broke my heart (as much as a 16-year-old's heart can be broken, which seemed extreme at the time but seems like nothing now).  But there were really only two guys I was ever attracted to enough to think I might spend the rest of my life with, and of course, one of them was Darrell.

I think of the little things that probably attracted me and still attract me to Darrell today, like his smell.  I've told him that I think I could identify him by smell alone, even though I can't describe what he smells like.  I do know that I find him less attractive when he eats too much garlic or works in the garage and comes in smelling like gasoline or chemicals.  Even after two decades plus together, I still sometimes smell his towel hanging in the bathroom, or pick up a t-shirt he wore to bed the night before just to smell it.  Is that weird?

There is touch, of course, and various kinds of touch.  I dated a boy once in high school who was not a good kisser.  That's why I asked Darrell to kiss me before I broke up with my boyfriend from home.  As silly as that sounds, it meant something, and still means something today.  That first kiss wasn't perfect (sorry, Darrell, to put all that pressure on you), but it was good and quickly improved to great.  I've already talked about Darrell's hugs and how awesome they are.  He's also very good with his hands.  He looks like a strong guy, but he's always done detail work on car models, electronics, etc., so he knows how to be gentler than many men, I suspect.

Strangely enough, I was looking for a man of a certain height, I think.  My father is a little over six feet tall, and that seemed to be what I was attracted to.  Yes, Darrell and my dad are within about an inch in height.  When we slow dance, hug, or snuggle, I fit right up against his shoulder.  When we stand and kiss, I have to stand on tip-toe as he bends his head down.  When we spoon in bed, his chin rests over my head and his feet are below mine - I feel completely protected. 

Intellectual traits mattered, too.  I wanted someone I could really talk to.  Darrell talks a lot more than most men I know.  He's also very intelligent.  He's the only guy I dated that I was sure was smarter than I was (not that there aren't plenty out there, but the book-smart guys at my high school were usually more popular or just plain not interested in me).  But, there are things that I do better and know better than he does also.  I like that we complement each other so well.  Oh, and if you know us both well and you're reading this, please don't tell Darrell that I said he's smarter than I am ; )

I think it's a combination of so many tiny things that make us fall in love.  It's like a puzzle, and the really lucky ones complete most or the entire puzzle by being together.  I feel like I'm one of the really lucky ones.

It's a matter of principle

I'm not sure it's very popular to have a conscience based on strong principles anymore.  I've always been a rule-follower.  I liked the structure of school and excelled at it.  I was a good test-taker.  But early on it was a matter of following the rules mostly just for the sake of not standing out and doing what I was supposed to do.  As I got older though, I developed a sense of what was right and wrong, and applied my love of structure to trying hard to uphold the principles I'd developed.

One of those that we instill the most in our two children is honesty.  Both kids know that they will get in a lot more trouble for lying about something than for coming to us and admitting that they did something wrong.  I've been very encouraged to hear stories from their teachers about how each of them has confessed to something even at school.  I'm fairly sure I wouldn't have done the same at their age.  My mother will freely tell you that I was a very good kid growing up, but on the rare occasions I did break the rules, I don't think I told teachers or my parents.  My kids each have their own faults, but I like that they do better at this than I did, and I hope and pray that they are developing their own good consciences. 

I believe there are some things you just shouldn't do.  I also believe that just about everyone can be forgiven, if they want forgiveness.  It helps a lot in marriage to adhere to some basic principles. Here are just a few of mine.

Don't cheat, ever.  I'll admit that I completely don't understand the concept of an open marriage, and I'm glad that I don't.  I think the best idea is to not even put yourself in the position to be tempted to cheat.  As I mentioned, I've learned these principles over time, so I have messed up on this one exactly twice (but never in my marriage to Darrell).  In high school I once held hands with another boy while dating someone else.  And I asked Darrell to kiss me (and of course he complied) before breaking up with my boyfriend back home.  That's it, probably doesn't even sound very juicy to most of you.  But I'm still not proud of either, and vowed never to let anything like that happen again.  And that is probably one of the best things about our marriage.  I'm careful about the way I even hug any other man.  Darrell is probably even more careful in the presence of other women.  We trust each other completely.

No name calling.  It's ok to argue, but it's not ok to call each other names or be completely disrespectful while arguing.  Darrell used to resort to name-calling from time to time early in our marriage.  And I would sometimes throw names right back at him, or just completely lose respect for him in that moment and show it.  I finally learned to instead just let him know that it was completely unacceptable to call me names.  It took me a while to learn how to handle that, and for him to learn how to change.  But, thankfully, that hasn't happened in a long, long time.

Decide that whatever the problem, you can work it through together.

And, perhaps most importantly, pray about your marriage often.

What are some of the principles most important to your marriage?

Absence makes the heart grow fonder

One of the ways I knew I really loved Darrell was to be away from him.  New love is a little overwhelming.  We both wanted to be together as often as possible.  We ate together, we walked to classes together, and we probably nauseated our roommates and others on our floor by being together so often. 

But we also had to be apart sometimes early on in our relationship, and it gave me a lot of time to think.  I tried imagining my future without Darrell.  I tried imagining my future with him.  By the time I was imagining what our future kids would look like, I'm pretty sure I knew this was the guy I wanted to share the rest of my life with.

I'm not afraid to be without Darrell from time to time.  I go on trips, whether for business or just alone with the kids, without him.  Darrell has moved to a different state in advance of us a few times.  I like GNO's from time to time.  I'm somewhat of an introvert, so there are even times I crave being completely alone for a while.  But, if we are apart for more than a day or so, I miss Darrell.  I find myself wishing he were in the same room to tell him something.  I find myself realizing that he helps out with the kids more than I sometimes give him credit for when we are together.  I just miss knowing that he is close by.

I've never understood those couples you hear about that work together and are together constantly each and every day.  I've also never understood the couples I know of that seem to hardly spend any time together at all.

I think it's good for us to be apart for a little while sometimes, but definitely not for too long either.  Maybe a better title for this post would be:  Absence, in small doses, makes the heart grow fonder.

Love what you have

Love what you already have.  It sounds so simple, doesn't it?  But I remember wanting so much more than that. 

As a kid, I was in a hurry to grow up.  It seemed like I was the last kid alive to get a 2-wheeled bike and learn to ride it (I was 7).  It seemed like I was the last girl to have her first boyfriend (I was a freshman in high school).  I wanted to go to college.  I wanted a husband, a career, a nice house, and a family.  I was a good kid - my mom will even tell you so.  I worked hard.  God was good to me.  I got it all.

It didn't all work out exactly as I imagined, but I did get all that I wanted and so much more.  But even as a young adult, I remember wanting more, and more, and more.  We got our first house when Darrell and I were only 22 years old, barely out of college.  We had good jobs.  But I wanted a bigger house.  Darrell wanted nicer cars.  It never seemed like we had quite enough.

A funny thing started happening a few years ago though.  I started to feel like I had everything I wanted, except the time to enjoy it all.  It's funny how things all work out sometimes.  But, sometimes, you have to give up a little of what you have to keep and appreciate the rest.  I had what I wanted, but I worked so much that all my son wanted at the time was more of me.

I'm not saying that I have it all figured out yet, but I quit the job that was consuming too much of me.  I started a business that was successful for one year, but not so much the second year.  And then I quit that, too.  But it doesn't feel like I gave anything up or quit.  My life is still very full.  I'm giving some extra time to my kids, to my husband, to just living for a while.  And then I'll look for a new job this fall, and hope that the balance works out better this time.

And in the meantime, I don't want a bigger house anymore.  I don't want better behaved kids.  I don't want a husband who cooks, cleans, and does my every bidding in addition to having a good job and fixing stuff around the house.  I don't want a job making six figures.  I want my imperfect husband, kids, friends, and pets.  I want my lived-in comfy house.  I want to find a job, but only if it adds to my life rather than taking away from my family.  I want and love what I already have, maybe even too much sometimes.

But that's a subject for another post...