The Things I'd Tell My Younger Self Series: Elementary School

There is no denying that I have a wonderful life.  This life is never perfect, but I have everything I ever dreamed of when I was young.

Do you ever think about how nice it would be to go back and tell your younger self something?  Maybe it's advice that you would like to give, or just reassurance that things will work out and you will be alright.  I know I feel that way from time to time, and for some reason, I've really been thinking about it lately.

Maybe some of the things I would go back and tell my younger self will strike a chord with you.  Or, maybe they will help someone else in some small way.  So, here goes, a series of blog posts dedicated to just that.

What I would tell elementary school Jennifer

She looked something like this:

And with her family, she was happy.  Using her imagination to make up stories for herself and her little sister (see that little cutie in the background?), she was happy.  When she learned in third grade, based on her first standardized testing, that she was actually one of the smartest kids at school, she was happy.

But, she had so much trouble making friends.  It was scary, and sometimes it physically hurt inside.  She walked around the playground by herself, off and on, throughout her elementary school years.  That was so much easier than trying to make friends, or worse, being rejected by a friend that she thought she'd made, as happened a few times.

This is what I would go back and tell her, if I could...

Dear 8-year-old Jennifer,

You will always be an introvert, but you won't always be shy.  Someday, you won't be afraid to strike up a conversation with someone new.  You won't even be afraid of public speaking someday, which I know you can't even imagine now.  Better than that, you will have friends.  You will have just a few close friends that will get you through all of the disappointments of middle and high school, but that will be enough.  You will appreciate them more because you've gone through friendlessness in elementary school, and because you will still just have a few real friends for the rest of your school years.

I know you can't believe this now, but as an adult, you will have more friends than you can count.  You won't be the best at keeping in touch with all of them, but there will be this thing called social media that will help you out a lot with that.  You will have the kinds of friends that even if you don't talk for long periods, you know you could call them up in the middle of the night, and they would help any way they could.  And you would do the same for them.  You will make lifelong friends in many different towns across the eastern United States.  You will make friends that are just there for a season of your life, but you will remember them and appreciate them always.

Friends will get you through things that you couldn't make it through on your own.  Friends will encourage you to stay in shape, to travel, to be a better wife and mother, to love and more closely connect to God... 

I know, right now, you hurt.  You don't understand why other kids don't want to play with you.  You don't understand why it is so hard for you to just go up and talk to other kids.  But, I promise, it gets easier.  Life, overall, will be harder when you are grown.  But you will have the friends and community you need to get you through all of it.  You will have people who love you and so many that you love.

The things you fear so much now, you won't fear then.  Friends will be there for you, and they will make you strong.

Love, 42-year-old Jennifer

Lies my parents told me...

Actually, I had the best parents I can imagine growing up.  They were somewhat overprotective, but once I had children of my own, that made perfect sense.  I never had a doubt that they both loved me and my sister very much.  Looking back, I know there were times they struggled financially, but they always made sure we had so much more than we ever needed, and just about everything we wanted.  I wouldn't have wanted to grow up any differently than I did, and I doubt many adults can honestly say that.

But, don't we all make decisions and have beliefs that differ from our parents?  Of course, that's true for me.  I know I do and believe a lot of things the same or similar to my parents' actions and beliefs, but there are things I've consciously decided I don't believe along the way.  I just called them lies in the blog title to get your attention.

1. Don't quit something you've committed to.  This is a tough one.  It's mostly right.  Make a commitment, stick to it, and always do your best.  It makes good sense.  But there are times that quitting is perhaps better, and I'd be willing to bet that if you think on this one long enough, you can come up with your own examples.
2. You will love your children more than your husband.  I've covered this one before.  If I were a better blogger, I'd post the link for you, but alas, you're stuck with me if you've bothered to read this post.  My truth is that I love my children differently than my husband.  It is a completely different type of love.  I don't love him more.  I don't love them more.  I love them differently.  The short version I tell people is this:  If someone were pointing a gun at us, ready to fire, I would jump in front of my children.  I'd be expecting Darrell to do the same, maybe even come up with a better plan.  I wouldn't be protecting him.  But that doesn't mean I don't want him in my life just as much.
3. At 18, you are an adult.  I distinctly remember a conversation where my parents basically said they'd gotten me this far, but now I was an adult.  Now, they still helped me out so much along the way after that.  And I don't even think they meant the conversation to have the effect on me that it did.  But I was scared.  It seemed to me that they had been too protective while I was growing up, and suddenly I was responsible for my own life.  I think it's safe to say that I let my kids do more and be more independent at a younger age than I did, and it's because of this.  I want to let go of them gradually.  Now, the way this world has changed, they probably are just as overprotected compared to their peers as I was, but I swear, I've tried so hard to open up and let them experience and see things sooner than I did.
4. If you can sniff, you can blow it.  This one belonged 100% to my dad.  You could not sit at the dinner table and sniff, or he'd send you downstairs to get a tissue.  Which is another pet peeve of mine - we had absolutely no tissues on an entire level of our house growing up.  My mom thought it was uncleanly to have tissues in the kitchen, but also they were suspiciously absent from the entire level of the house, so we had to walk down or upstairs to one of the bathrooms or bedrooms to get a tissue.  The nerve.  But back to the point.  There are times you just cannot blow your nose, but it is running, and sniffing can sometimes help.  But thanks to my dad, I am an obsessive nose blower.  This is why I absolutely must have tissues infused with lotion when I have a cold or even allergy issues.  You should see my poor nose after a few days if I don't!  All your fault, Dad!  But I love you anyway.

I am so incredibly lucky to have only things like this to complain about my parents and my upbringing.  I would bet you have a handful of your own, even if you had a childhood like mine.  And I have no illusions that my children won't have their own complaints.  I only hope that their list will look a little different than mine, and that it will be these kinds of minor things they look back and think about.

The World According to Simba - Part 1: Leaving Home

I come from a big family.  I had lots of brothers and sisters running around, a kitty mom and dad, a doggie sister, and a people mom, two people brothers, and a people dad who wasn't home to play with me much.

After a while, I think we were bad about something, because we mostly went to live in the under level.  We had lots of fun down there, but I didn't get to see outside space much at all.  But I was never lonely, because I had family to play with all the time.

One day, after pointing that silly thing my people mom called a phone at me for the hundredth time, my people brothers and people mom kept saying things about me going to aunt jennifer's and their cousin's house.  I didn't have any idea what an aunt jennifer or cousin was.

I guess the day came though, because they told me to say goodbye to my mom and took me into outside space and put me into a moving house with all my people family but none of my kitty or doggie family.  I was scared of being in a moving house like that, so I cried a lot but my big people brother held me a long time, so that helped.

We got to a really big house place, and there were even more people there, plus a mean kitty that didn't seem to like anyone, and two doggies that were so big.  But I'm a brave kitty, so I wasn't afraid.  One of the new people boys looked a lot like my big people brother, and he seemed so excited to see me and kept talking about taking me home.  I just wondered why I was going someplace else all over again.

They kept me all alone some, and I didn't like that.  So, I cried a lot there, too.  They didn't seem to want the doggies to play with me, but I don't know why.  Two grown up people ladies seemed to like me a lot, too, and one of them was bossy so I guessed she was the mom in charge.  I finally figured out that was the aunt jennifer they kept talking about, but the other grown up people lady and the other people boy just called her mom.

After a while, we went in a different moving house and I was afraid again.  Plus I wondered just how many different places they wanted me to go.  I was just starting to like these people, but I was afraid they'd take me somewhere else all over again.  One of the doggies got to go with us, so that was good.  First they put me in a cage inside the moving house, but I cried and cried until the people boy and grown up girl but not mom held me some.  They still wouldn't let me play with the doggie though, and they got all upset when I tried to go up to the big front window of the moving house.  I just wanted to see outside space better and maybe see where we were going.

Finally, we got to another big house and they went on and on about how this was my new home and kept calling me Simba.  I guess that's my name.  I'm a brave kitty.  I like my new home.

And then, one day, she's grown...

"It will go by so fast."

"They don't stay little long!"

"You'll wonder where the time went."

"The days are long, but the years are short."

If you've been a mom for more than a few days, you've probably heard them all and more.  And if you are a young, sleep-deprived mom, you may not even believe it most days.  Your first child will never start talking, walking, or will head off to school still not quite potty trained (or so you think).  The temper tantrums, fussing, etc. will just never stop.  When you hear, "It's just a phase" for the umpteenth time, you may just about fall off the deep end.  But it is, and it does.

This life is so short, but it doesn't always seem that way.  I feel sometimes like I learned this earlier than some.  You see, I always knew I wanted to be a mother.  But I was told once that might not happen.  And when we tried, and it happened so quickly, I was so grateful.  But then the first year of my daughter's life was just so much harder than I'd ever imagined.  I loved this little person to distraction.  But being a mom was so much more work than anyone had really said (and believe me, I read all the magazine articles and books I could get my hands on while pregnant).

And my little ones didn't stay as little as yours did or are, I'd be willing to bet.  You know how they tell you your new baby should be back up to birth weight by that first two-week check-up?  Mine gained two pounds right away on top of that.  My baby girl wore her newborn clothes and diapers for just a few days after coming home.  And my baby boy was born tall.  And I can't even blame my husband for the large babies and fast growth - he was tiny at birth compared to me.  But the effect is, that I looked around at all the tiny newborns around me, and I really never had one of those.  Time seemed to speed by, in the rate of growth of my babies at least, for me even faster than it was supposed to.

People do warn you about those sleepless nights.  Not that I think most of us really believe them before it happens to us personally.  And not that we really remember once it has passed.  After all, how could so many moms have more babies once they realize how painful it is?  Because we have the capability of forgetting the pain, or at least seeing through to the amazing love we get in return.

But fewer warn you about it being even busier once the activities start.  I can't count the number of practices/activities I've attended or dropped my kids off for at this point.  It might be easier to count the stars in a clear night's sky.  There are evenings when a third parent would be handy to get just two children to where they need to be on time.  And I assure you, my kids are not among the most active that I know.

I don't really care anymore if things in this life are fair for me, as long as I have my husband and kids, extended family, and a few friends.  But oh how I ache if just the smallest thing isn't fair for one of my kids.  While I am preaching to them that it's a great time to learn life just isn't fair, I feel my heart breaking at the same time.

They spend just nine months growing inside us, but 17 or 18 years growing apart.  One day, you look eye to eye with your teenage daughter or son.  The next, you look again and it seems maybe you are even looking up, just a bit.  Maybe you are even trading clothes or shoes (or at least could if not for the gender or style difference).  How did that happen?  How did she go from the little girl waving good-bye at preschool to the teenager rolling her eyes at your current concern?

Suddenly, every day it seems, all you are hoping for is for time to slow down.  When you stressed and lost sleep deciding when to send her to Kindergarten, you only weighed her academic level and social skills.  You didn't consider how you would feel when she was 15 and would be going off to college in only 2 short years.

And what of the little brother?  The one who has never had your love all to himself?  The one growing up even more quickly than your first-born?  Will time speed up even more once he is the only child in the nest?

Every day is a gift, but not necessarily an appreciated one.  I just hope my children know how much I love them, each and every day.  Even if I am not the best at always showing it.  Even as I am trying hard to be their parent much more than their friend.  I love you both for the possibility of what you would be inside of me all those years ago, for the fine young people you are becoming, and for the upstanding adults I know so well you are capable of becoming.  I only hope I've done half the job God expected of me as your mother.

It also might not hurt if you have a child or two JUST. LIKE. YOU. someday so that you can really understand...
☺

Would a flat Federal tax system be better?

Did you pay someone to do your taxes this year, or are you going to?  How much will that cost you?  If you are doing your taxes, how much are you paying for tax software and e-filing fees, and how long did it or is it going to take you?

For us, it took me about 5 hours and cost us $130 this year.

Think about a long book that you've read lately, or even long ago.  According to my (admittedly limited) research, the US tax code has about THREE TIMES as many words as the Bible (which I'm just guessing most people would consider a long book).  I don't think there are many people who would argue that our tax code does NOT need simplified.

I've wondered for a long time, what if we just had a flat rate Federal income tax?  Some states do this, although admittedly every one I've lived in also has a set of simplified deductions.  Our FICA Social Security tax is a flat rate (up to a set maximum, which could be an argument and blog post all of its own, believe me!).  Sales tax is a flat rate.  Property taxes are flat rates (although there are also often homestead and other exemptions built in.).  You'd be hard pressed to think of another kind of tax that is less of a flat rate system than our current federal tax system is.

Personally, I know a lot more people who hire their taxes done now than when I first started out in the working world.  It has gotten so complicated that relatively few people feel comfortable doing it on their own.  And if you do, you'd better believe you use TurboTax like I do.  I remember the first time I went from doing our taxes by hand on paper to using TurboTax sometime in the late 90's.  It went from taking me a few days to just a few hours.  But, should we really need a complicated software package or an H&R Block in every WalMart just to file our taxes?

There are a lot of arguments out there in support of some type of flat rate federal tax system for the US.  In most cases, this would still include some basic deductions, and often not even kick in with a federal tax at all until household incomes that most would consider middle class.  For example, all those arguments about how can half of us get away with not paying federal taxes at all would most likely still hold true.  See explanations of how all this might work here, here, and here.  But please note that I endorse no particular political party in my personal support of a federal flat rate tax.

Now I'll tell you a little about my personal situation while trying not to reveal what we earn (because, of course, that's none of your business).  Suffice it to say that I'm in market research married to an engineer, and we both earn surprisingly average salaries for our chosen fields.  We aren't getting rich doing what we do, but especially when we both work, we earn a comfortable living and maybe even can afford a vacation now and then, all while we worry whether we are putting enough away for retirement, for out kids' college educations, and whether we are giving enough and being socially responsible enough in general.

But, 2012 was the very first year in our marriage that I did not contribute to our income in any taxable way.  I was shutting down my business and then looking for a job that didn't materialize.  Now, that didn't make it the lowest it's ever been, but having just Darrell's income made our household income lower than it had been in a long time, all while maximums for some types of deductions increased with the years.  And we were living in the same house where our incomes had been higher.

This means our effective tax rate was fairly low in 2012, and actually, it could stay fairly low if I earned significantly less than Darrell or if I only worked part time.  But that's not what happened.  I got a full-time job in 2013.  Now, I didn't work the entire year though.  But the long and the short of it is that we earn enough now to start losing some deductions many middle income folks can still enjoy.  Plus, we did not buy a more expensive house to go along with our increased income (hence, our mortgage interest and property tax deductions were about the same in 2013 as in 2012).  We gave about the same amounts to our church and to charity.  But we sure gave a lot more to Uncle Sam.  I have charts to prove it:

Our income increased by a factor of 1.6 in 2013 compared to 2012.  That sounds great, and it is.  That extra 60% is paying ahead on our house and saving for college and vacations again, things we simply couldn't do on just Darrell's income.  But take a look at our federal tax increase.  Our effective tax rate went from 3.8% in 2012 to 11.1% in 2013.  Looking at the raw dollars we gave Uncle Sam, that increased by a factor of 4.7 in 2013 compared to 2012.  So, our tax rate went up three times as much as our income.  Can I just say ouch!

Did we get a fat refund for 2012?  Yes.  Did we underpay and have to fork over more in 2013?  Sure did.  You know what I would have rather had happen?  I would much rather have it be a lot easier to estimate how much we owe based on a simpler, flat (or at least flatter) federal tax rate.  But maybe that's just me.  Feel free to sound off if you disagree (or even if you agree!).

My glass is beyond half full...

Usually I do this little exercise in my head, but thought I'd spell mine out for you in case it helps someone else.  I know my problems are minor compared to many, but it doesn't mean I can't blow them out of proportion from time to time.  Maybe you do the same thing and could try this little trick I use - examining the flip side positive of what I'm thinking is a negative at that particular moment.  Here's mine for today:

Negative	Positive
Below zero temps, again	Good health and warm house
A teenager who talks back and pre-teen who questions everything	Two bright kids who have never caused us any real worries and make me proud to be their mom
Pulling money out of savings to pay for the rest of Christmas	Upcoming, exciting trips, like our first family vacation in years/first family cruise ever (not to mention the savings account that I could pull the money from!)
A husband who never hangs up his coat or puts his dishes in the dishwasher	A husband I can joke with about the kitten being all over said coat which may cause allergy issues for him later, also the same guy who would do just about anything for me that is really important, and still thinks I’m beautiful and that he’s lucky to have me all these years later
An hour-plus commute, each way, to work, sometimes in stop-and-go traffic	A job that allows me to work from home a few days per week, and time in the car to listen to the Bible on my way in and an audiobook on my way home each day that I do commute
A car that was overheating yesterday	A car that is comfy, my favorite vehicle ever, that is big enough to hold my kids and a few friends, while still not having bad gas mileage
A few extra pounds that I’m still trying to lose	It’s just a few extra pounds, could be a lot worse if I weren’t at least trying!  Plus I manage to get my family to eat a little healthier at least since I eat much healthier than a few years ago
Treacherous, snow-covered running paths	Running paths that are there, connecting my pretty, new hometown, at least sometimes plowed, and of course, the ability to run in the first place!
Having to work-out mostly in-doors right now	A friend to work out with me two days per week, and a treadmill right in my basement
Still missing friends and family we’ve moved away from	Slowly but surely making new connections and new friends