Half of 50

When I was 25, I proudly told family and friends that I was “half of 50”.  Looking back, I don’t know if this was supposed to make me seem more mature, or if I was just so young that 50 still seemed a lifetime away.

Tomorrow, I’ll be 86% of 50.  That doesn’t have quite the same ring, somehow.

I finally understand what my parents used to say about us kids growing up so quickly. I finally understand what they meant about not really feeling old.  I finally understand why my mom seemed so tired so often.

I have no regrets, because the life I chose led me to the life I have today, one that is rich and full, and includes a loving loyal husband, children who by turns challenge and inspire me, family and friends who fill my life and make it worthwhile, and even a job that motivates me to do it well and in its own small way contributes to helping others.

The 25-year-old me that I remember knew so very little, but already she was learning a great deal.  She already had a strong marriage.  She knew by then that her parents actually knew what they’d been talking about during her teen years, and she was starting to learn that she was very happy they’d erred on the side of overprotection.

My goals now are a bit different than they were then.  I want to hold onto time with my children, but I keep feeling it slip away.  You don’t know what it is to be a mother until you are one, no matter how many parenting books you might read (and this is coming from someone who read LOTS of them).  In the beginning, sometimes just getting through the day and finding a few hours of uninterrupted sleep is the best you can hope for.  Later on, a night out with your friends refuels you.  But before you know it, you are wondering how many more times your teenage daughter will be seen with you at the movie theatre.  How long before she’ll only go with her friends, or maybe just with a boyfriend?  You feel your intelligence in her eyes falling precipitously.  

On the occasions that your children do echo back some of your better words of wisdom (i.e., “I don’t know why anyone would even try smoking!”), you hope and pray that means you’ve gotten at least some of this parenting gig right.  And while you may be able to take some credit still for the younger child’s good behavior, you realize with each passing year that the older one is more and more her own person (and she was the independent one already).

At least in my life:

• My early 20s were about figuring out who I was, especially in relation to my husband and career
• My late 20s/early 30s were about learning what it was to be a mom, and re-figuring out what it meant for me to be a Christian
• My late 30s were about “getting my grove back”, finding the me that was definitely a mom, but also still my own person
• My early 40s have been about learning how to let go of things that I thought were finally solid (via a big move to another state), all while holding tight to the most important people and things

So, what do I hope for the next stage?  My goal is to learn how to better reach out, to connect to the community around me, to find more meaningful ways to give back (whether that be donating my money, my time, etc.), and to gracefully let go as my kids leave the nest and learn to live on their own (all with the assurance I’m still there for them when needed).

And if you see me crying at an upcoming college visit or at my daughter’s high school graduation in a few years, don’t judge!  It may take a few tears to learn how to let go gracefully…

Things I'd Tell My Younger Self Series: Age 23

For an introduction to this series, take a look here.


Dear 23-year-old Jennifer,

About now, you are wondering how things could possibly be going so right and so wrong at the same time.  You've just been offered a job at a market research company, using your degree finally after three temporary jobs.  You are going to start in a career that is something you sort of thought about, but had no idea how to even get into.  It sounds so perfect!

Only, you've also just been told your young husband has cancer.


And you are both a day's drive away from any family, and just starting to make friends in metro Detroit.  Darrell is sick.  Really, he hasn't been feeling well for months and months, but now you know why.  All of his energy is going to be used up fighting this, and you are wondering how you can get him through it and be a good employee at the same time.

In the back of your mind, you are wondering what you will do if he dies.  And 23-year-olds shouldn't have to think about that, but many do.  The chances are in your favor that he will live.  And I can tell you that he does, and has only minor lingering effects from the chemo and radiation that saves his life.

But you don't know that now.  And I know you have another big worry.  What if you can't have kids?  It will be another three long years before you even know whether you can.  The odds don't look good right now.  Even the doctor's last-minute switch of chemo drugs doesn't leave you feeling very optimistic.  But you are encouraged that your young husband is willing to go to a sperm bank, even though he claims that he'd be happy adopting a child pictured on the fast food restaurant place mats.

Will you love this man forever if you can't have kids?  I like to think that you would have, but I can't resist telling you that you won't have to find out. 

I won't try to tell you that the next year will be easy, nor the following few years of wondering.  First, you both need your strength to focus on beating cancer.  Family and friends will help, in ways you can't even imagine now.  You will learn through this that your love is strong.  You will look back and wonder if this early challenge was a sort of cement that kept you together through lesser challenges later.

I mean, if you can get through a life-threatening disease, surely you can stick by his side when he yells and gets angry when he shouldn't.  Surely you can learn how to care for a little baby together.  What, after all, is tougher than watching your husband lose nearly 50 pounds, lose much of his hair, get sick over and over and over again, cry because he thinks he might die and leave you alone, sweat through the sheets almost every night, get a lung disease that doctors can't even identify, go to work every day and leave him feeling awful, watch him try to go to work when possible so that life is just a little more normal and so his work disability payments don't drop to a lower level...

There will be other tough things that happen in your life, but getting through this will be a big part of what makes you and Darrell believe you can survive anything together.

It takes an average of six months to conceive, or so you read before you start trying.  I'm tempted to let you wonder how long it will take for you and Darrell to conceive your first baby (yes, I said first).  The truth is that I'm not exactly sure anyway, because you weren't even all that serious about the trying yet.  But it was definitely within the first month.  And, ever since, you are happy to be able to laugh and smile when Darrell complains about not getting the six months of "practice" that he was promised.

I can't resist a tiny preview for you (and look how much hair Darrell will have again!):

You get through the tough times one day at a time, with prayer and by just doing what you can. You will continue to be a wife for a long time.  You will be a mom.  You will even be a good employee. I keep telling you that the best is yet to come, and it is!

Love,

42-year-old Jennifer

Things I'd Tell My Younger Self Series: Age 21

Review and catch up on this series beginning here.

What I would tell 21-year-old Jennifer

She looked something like this:

And, as often as possible, you'd find her right beside the guy she's pictured with.

Dear 21-year-old Jennifer,

I may be the only other one who knows how much you are questioning marrying this man.  You have never met a man who infuriated you so much, challenged your way of thinking, confused you, and at times, has just plain been mean to you.  But, already, you see signs that he also is bringing out the best in you.  You have learned to stand up for yourself because of him.  You have deep, intelligent conversations you've never had with another boyfriend.  You want him physically in ways you could always resist with other guys.  His hug alone makes you feel protected and safe.

You've never been a rebel a day in your life, but it feels a little rebellious to be marrying this man, who is still really half boy.  He jokes that he won't be able to legally drink at his own wedding.  He will always be able to tease you about being just a little older.  His friends think you are both crazy to be getting married so young, and you suspect even his family feels you are both too young.  Why can't you just wait until you both graduate college at least?

But, I know why you can't.  It's time.  He's wanted to marry you almost since he met you.  You've wanted to marry him since the summer after freshman year of college when you feared he'd break up with you.  This is the man you want to spend your life with, and yes, even finish growing up with.  You aren't marrying him because you want him to rescue you and make your dreams come true.  You are marrying him because he makes you a better version of yourself, because you are both better together than you are apart.

Don't marry him because you've already had sex with him.  It's true that if done right, that is as close as a man and a woman can be together.  And it's also true that you will be glad he's the only one who's been with you and the only one you've been with.  And don't let anyone scare you about married sex not being good anymore.  Trust me, it only gets better from here.

Don't marry him out of fear that you need to hold onto him in some way.  This man is as loyal as they come.  Not only will he not cheat on you, he won't flirt with other women, he won't even look their way.  He will still believe that you are the most beautiful woman and be amazed that you felt him good enough for you even into your forties, I promise.  You may know better, but you will be glad that his heart makes you so beautiful in his eyes.

Don't marry him because you want kids.  You know already that you will have to talk him into this.  I can tell you that he will be a good daddy to his own children.  He's never going to be the kind of dad who wants a house full of kids, but he will keep to his promise that you can have two.  Your dream of adoption as well may never happen, but maybe you can look into other ways of helping young children without the solid lives that your children will have.

Don't marry him for his health and good looks.  Those are things that fade, and for a while, the health will fade more than you can even understand right now.  And as for good looks, you can always think back to the nerdy clothes he sometimes wears.  He will never be in style and will often need your help just to match clothes for work.  And you won't care.  In fact, that's something you will find endearing about him even as you age. 

Don't marry him for his income potential.  Yes, he's going into a solid career field.  But you will never be rich for US standards (although compared to much of the world, you already are).  You will both earn enough for a comfortable life, even if that means that for the most part, you will both have to work to provide for your family.  Neither of you are cut out for the executive suite, or even for sales.  And that's ok.  Soon enough you will learn that you'd rather be working, too, instead of having him have the weight of completely supporting your family on his shoulders and working long, long hours to adequately do so.

Marry him because he's a Christian, even though you weren't raised in the same denomination.  Marry him because both your parents and his have weathered long marriages already, and remain true to each other.  Marry him because he is your best friend.  Marry him because your goals are similar.  Could there be a better man for you somewhere out in the world?  Perhaps, but you will never be able to imagine that there is.

Marry him.  Say "I do" before God, your family and his, your friends and his.  You won't ever regret it.  I promise.

Love, 42-year-old Jennifer

Things I'd Tell My Younger Self Series: College Freshman Year

For an introduction to this series, check out this post.

What I'd tell my 18/19-year-old self

She looked something like this:

(Don't worry - only a few more years of big hair remain.)

She had a serious boyfriend again.  And, she was going off to college, excited to go live on her own, but scared of meeting new people.

Dear 18-year-old Jennifer,

What a year your freshman year of college will be!  I almost enjoyed it enough to go back and relive it with you.  But, no, I think you can do this on your own.

You've now started a huge step in your goals.  You are starting your college education, and you are determined to succeed.  Even looking back 25 years later, I am proud of you.  And that's saying something, because there are plenty of times I'm not proud of myself.

College is a challenge.  You will quickly find that the classes are way harder than high school, but the good news is that Calculus isn't nearly as tough as those returning college kids made out when they visited your precalculus class last year.  You will not fail.

Your school year is going to be book-ended by two big, life-changing decisions.  Your parents and a few good friends will give you advice, but these are decisions that are yours to make.  Don't feel bad about going the way you feel led.  I can tell you now that you made the right decisions, even if it took a few years or more to know this about each of them.

If school has started, you are already suspecting the first.  No, that really cute and very sweet boyfriend back home is not going to last.  You will feel terrible about it for quite a while, especially since it is you doing the breaking up this time.  But Darrell is the one.  Should you have kissed him and hung out with him so much before you ended it with the boyfriend back home?  No.  But, don't be afraid of your feelings towards him either.

Test him all you want by claiming you're going to tell the boyfriend back home everything and stay with him.  He'll be mean about it at first, but then he will be kind to you again.  And you will finally realize that this Jersey boy who knows exactly what he wants in life, who is the most emotional, talkative, and truthful man you've ever met, and who treats you like you are the most beautiful girl on campus is exactly the one you want.  He will challenge your thinking, be the first guy you've dated you know is more intelligent (in ways) than you, he will be faithful and loyal.  He has no idea how to dress himself and will never fold clothes a day in his life.  He can fix anything mechanical, and he thinks machines are easier to deal with than people.  He won't respect women in general as much as you think he should, but he will respect you.  He thinks you are the best woman he's ever met, and honestly, you know you're good with that.  He will look at you, and it will feel like he's seeing straight to your soul.  And 25 years from now, you will love him so much more than you can even imagine today.

So, say yes to him.  He'll talk crazy talk like getting married before you graduate college.  He won't be sure he wants to be a father.  He's waited for you and you've waited for him.  He's the one you are going to go through this life with, so don't be afraid.  Jump in with both feet and don't look back.  You will never completely understand him, but you will be there for each other in ways that no one else can.

See, wasn't that easy?  Changing your college major will be a cake-walk compared to that.  But it is also important and something you need to do.  Your dad will get over you not becoming an engineer.  You will find a career with a math degree even though you fear you won't.  Besides, you can always tell people you were accepted into the electrical engineering program before Darrell was accepted into mechanical engineering.  You'll get better grades and be happier.  And even to this day, I absolutely can't imagine you working in engineering.

Oh, and the rest of freshman year?  That's easy.  You'll make a few more lifelong friends.  You'll have memories that you'll cherish.  You'll do a few stupid things, too, like almost giving up your best friend (don't!).  But it will all work out.  You'll see.  Enjoy the ride.  College won't be the best time in your life, but it will be better than high school, and you will have more free time than you ever will again.

If there's anything I'd change about the way you're going to live it, I'd say loosen up a little and come out of your shyness.  But it's ok. It works out just fine the way you are!

Love, 42-year-old Jennifer

Things I'd Tell My Younger Self Series: HS Junior Year

For an introduction to this series, check here.

What I would tell High School Junior Jennifer

She looked something like this:

And that wasn't even a particularly "big hair" day!

Dear 17-year-old Jennifer,

I get it.  He broke your heart.  And it's ok to cry.  It's even ok to be a little jealous of how quickly he has a new girlfriend, like you didn't matter at all.  Eleven months of dating is such a long time in high school.  I mean, it was just about time to measure in YEARS, after all.

For starters, think back and remember that you weren't always the greatest to him either.  Remember that time you almost broke up with him for a boy on a different school's track team?  I mean, you even let that other guy stop by your house, and you held hands with him once!  Never mind that you were honest with your boyfriend about it and decided you wanted to work things out.  That is cheating.  I wish I could say it would be the last time you'll do something like this.  Luckily, you'll learn better before real, life-long commitment.

Next, you don't realize it just yet, but soon you will:  at least part of the reason he is breaking up with you is because you won't go to the next base.  If the rumors prove at all true, he can now find girls who will maybe even go all the way.  You know what I mean, and really, you should be glad that he didn't pressure you for this.

I wish I could tell you that you will take this time to get closer to your few good friends.  No, instead you will date one of your best friend's recent exes briefly.  That is pretty stupid of you, too.  But, 17-year-olds don't think long-term, and being book-smart certainly doesn't make you an exception.  Your other best friend will be really wrapped up in her serious boyfriend, but you can't blame her.  You were the same way when she needed you more and you were busy spending as much time as you could with your boyfriend.

So, you'll write poems, mope, and read in your room.  A lot.  Too much.  You'll dream of going to college out of state, but you won't do much about it.  You'll believe your school counselor when he tells you there is no need to take the ACT or SAT again because your scores are very good.

Have I mentioned how much better life gets after high school?

And while the end of junior year and much of your senior year of high school just plain stink, there is some good that you will always remember.  You get a full tuition scholarship and at least get to live away at college!  It's in-state, but still, that's huge!  You will have another boyfriend by the end of senior year, just in time to go to your senior prom with him.  And he's really cute, and extremely sweet.  He won't break your heart, but that's all I'm telling you about him for now.

Take a day at a time for now.  Don't feel bad about quitting band for a bit so you can letter in cross country.  It won't be something you will regret.  Running will be some of your best memories from high school.  Running will be something you'll come back to again someday.  It doesn't matter that you don't win races in high school or qualify for states.  What matters is the way you feel when you run.  Never forget that.  And always appreciate that you are able to run.

You are still learning who you are.  But you have done a good job of keeping your options open.  You have worked hard to get good grades, and it will pay off.  You have tried hard to be a "good" girl, and you will be glad.

Life is difficult, but it might never seem harder than when you are a teenager.  Or, at least when it does seem even harder, you are more sure of yourself and more sure of your friends and loved ones.  It is amazing how much that helps when it counts.

Hold tight.  Hug your mom, dad and little sister.  Spend time with your grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins.  Make sure they know you love them.  Listen to your friends when they want to talk.  Get lost in a good book when you need to.  The best is definitely yet to come, I promise.

Love, 42-year-old Jennifer

Things I'd Tell My Younger Self Series: 8th/9th grade

For an introduction to this series, take a look here.

What I would tell (late) middle school Jennifer

She looked something like this:

Dear 14-year-old Jennifer,

See, I was right about the friends.  Aren't you glad you have a few good friends now?

Oh, but you're not happy with just the few friends, huh, when everyone else around you seems to have a boyfriend now.  And boys just aren't interested in you, other than perhaps a little homework help or attempts to copy in class.  First, remember that back in 5th grade, you had a few interested boys that you avoided because you weren't interested in a boyfriend then.  And in a few short years, you've gone from the nearly friendless girl walking around alone on the playground to being a student council member, track runner, band member, head of the class kid who almost everyone in your little middle school knows.  You have real friends to eat lunch with.  You even had the courage to run for a student council office!  Forget that you lost (by a landslide according to one not-so-kind "friend" who was willing to point that out to you since she was there when they counted votes).  You had the courage to try!  By the time you are an adult, you won't even remember who you lost that election to, but you will remember that you got up in front of the entire school to give a speech, even though you were scared to death to do it.

I know you look in the mirror and see a flat-chested girl.  I know the only reason you even know what sex is is due to what you overhear at school.  I know you still wonder why you aren't invited to sleepovers and parties.  I know you don't understand why your parents won't let you attend school dances.  I know you usually just wish you could hide your acne-riddled face in the sand, especially when a random boy has the nerve to tease you about your acne, as if you aren't already doing everything you can about it.  If your mom hasn't already, she will take you to a dermatologist soon.  I wish I could tell you that will make the acne go away.  It won't.  Nothing really will except age for you.  The blessing is, despite the acne, you have good skin. You won't end up with a scarred face.  And as tough as it seems to believe right now, one day you will be grateful, because you will believe that having such bad acne as a teen has made you a more resilient adult than you would have been otherwise.

I know you look at pictures of yourself and think you aren't pretty at all.  I know you even hear a group of boys saying that your mom is prettier than you are, and feel crushed.  But one day you will be glad that your mom and grandmother are so pretty.  Guess what, little girl (yes, you are still a little girl right now!)?  You have your mom and grandmother's genes.  Yes, your face may be shaped more like your father's, but one day you will realize two things:  1.  You've aged well.  2.  Inside beauty is more important, and it shows through to the outside.  And the only thing you will hope then is that your daughter feels better about herself at a young age than you did.  And you will smile every time you see a picture of her that reminds you of your young mom.

Besides, through ages 15 and 16, you will finally have a few boyfriends.  And you will realize that isn't such a big deal as it seemed.  Nothing is so wrong with you that you won't attract boys.  It really isn't what you should be concentrating on now anyway, as you will tell your own daughter someday.  It will be much more important to your future that you are studying and making good grades.  It will certainly be much more important to your future that you've become a Christian.  Hold tight to your morals and standards a little longer, and throughout high school you won't even have to go through the peer pressure that many kids do.  They won't even hand you the 7-11 cup filled with beer on the band bus, because they will know that's something Jennifer wouldn't do.  Guys won't push you to have sex because of your reputation.  Even if you aren't glad for that now, you will be someday.  You will even look back and wonder if you would have made worse choices if the choices had been left up to you.

Movies and TV shows may make your teen years look like the best years of your life.  Because of that, you may wonder why yours seem miserable much of the time.  Those movies and TV shows are wrong.  And even if they are right for some people, you will look back and be grateful that you weren't one of those people.  The best days of your life still stretch out before you as an adult.  And they will last longer than your teen years.  I promise.

In the meantime, appreciate those few good friends.  Learn about relationships from those boyfriends you do have later in high school.  Keep studying and earning good grades.  Love and appreciate your family now, because you won't always see them every day, every weekend, or even every holiday.  Be good.  Learn from your disappointments.  You'll be glad for it all someday.

Love,
42-year-old Jennifer