What I would tell 21-year-old Jennifer
She looked something like this:
And, as often as possible, you'd find her right beside the guy she's pictured with.
Dear 21-year-old Jennifer,
I may be the only other one who knows how much you are questioning marrying this man. You have never met a man who infuriated you so much, challenged your way of thinking, confused you, and at times, has just plain been mean to you. But, already, you see signs that he also is bringing out the best in you. You have learned to stand up for yourself because of him. You have deep, intelligent conversations you've never had with another boyfriend. You want him physically in ways you could always resist with other guys. His hug alone makes you feel protected and safe.
You've never been a rebel a day in your life, but it feels a little rebellious to be marrying this man, who is still really half boy. He jokes that he won't be able to legally drink at his own wedding. He will always be able to tease you about being just a little older. His friends think you are both crazy to be getting married so young, and you suspect even his family feels you are both too young. Why can't you just wait until you both graduate college at least?
But, I know why you can't. It's time. He's wanted to marry you almost since he met you. You've wanted to marry him since the summer after freshman year of college when you feared he'd break up with you. This is the man you want to spend your life with, and yes, even finish growing up with. You aren't marrying him because you want him to rescue you and make your dreams come true. You are marrying him because he makes you a better version of yourself, because you are both better together than you are apart.
Don't marry him because you've already had sex with him. It's true that if done right, that is as close as a man and a woman can be together. And it's also true that you will be glad he's the only one who's been with you and the only one you've been with. And don't let anyone scare you about married sex not being good anymore. Trust me, it only gets better from here.
Don't marry him out of fear that you need to hold onto him in some way. This man is as loyal as they come. Not only will he not cheat on you, he won't flirt with other women, he won't even look their way. He will still believe that you are the most beautiful woman and be amazed that you felt him good enough for you even into your forties, I promise. You may know better, but you will be glad that his heart makes you so beautiful in his eyes.
Don't marry him because you want kids. You know already that you will have to talk him into this. I can tell you that he will be a good daddy to his own children. He's never going to be the kind of dad who wants a house full of kids, but he will keep to his promise that you can have two. Your dream of adoption as well may never happen, but maybe you can look into other ways of helping young children without the solid lives that your children will have.
Don't marry him for his health and good looks. Those are things that fade, and for a while, the health will fade more than you can even understand right now. And as for good looks, you can always think back to the nerdy clothes he sometimes wears. He will never be in style and will often need your help just to match clothes for work. And you won't care. In fact, that's something you will find endearing about him even as you age.
Don't marry him for his income potential. Yes, he's going into a solid career field. But you will never be rich for US standards (although compared to much of the world, you already are). You will both earn enough for a comfortable life, even if that means that for the most part, you will both have to work to provide for your family. Neither of you are cut out for the executive suite, or even for sales. And that's ok. Soon enough you will learn that you'd rather be working, too, instead of having him have the weight of completely supporting your family on his shoulders and working long, long hours to adequately do so.
Marry him because he's a Christian, even though you weren't raised in the same denomination. Marry him because both your parents and his have weathered long marriages already, and remain true to each other. Marry him because he is your best friend. Marry him because your goals are similar. Could there be a better man for you somewhere out in the world? Perhaps, but you will never be able to imagine that there is.
Marry him. Say "I do" before God, your family and his, your friends and his. You won't ever regret it. I promise.
Love, 42-year-old Jennifer
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