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Monday, August 27, 2012

My confession...

I have a confession to make.  I had sex before I was married.  Worse, despite very much being a Christian before, then and now, I have had a lot of trouble ever really feeling sorry for it.  I think it's made me who I am.  I think it's made me less judgmental of others than I would probably be otherwise.  And, in my case, it led to my happily ever after.  I know that doesn't happen most of the time.  I'm lucky.  Mine were very specific circumstances.  So, I'll try to explain them for you, although I'm sure I'll leave important things out.

Having sex before marriage doesn't mean I had what most people would call casual sex.  My mom said at one time that she could understand more if it happened in the heat of the moment.  It didn't.  I met Darrell, he fell in love with me, and I fell in love right back.  I've told you some of the other details, but I've left out this part.  Ironically, it's the same part I've left out so far for my teenage daughter.  She knows that Darrell and I have had sex only with each other, but she doesn't know that it started happening before we were married.  She's never asked, and I'm not ashamed to admit it; I just don't want it to influence her decisions, and so, the easier thing has been to not bring it up.

We lived on the same dorm floor that first year of college.  We spent more time together in a month than I'd spent with any other boyfriend.  Even on the honors floor, kids stayed up half the night talking in each other's rooms, guys and girls.  There were many nights that Darrell and I would be sitting on my bunk, amidst great conversations, and there we would fall to sleep, with the lights still on as others kept talking.  My roommate liked Darrell and didn't mind him being there.  So, we slept beside each other long before we "slept together".  And it was nice.  I think it would be nice if anyone wanting to spend their lives together could sleep beside each other first.  And maybe that does happen more often than I realize.  I hope so.

Darrell talked right away about marrying me.  I was more hesitant.  Was he an 18-year-old boy interested in having sex and probably feeling like he was one of the few male virgins in the US heading off to college?  Sure.  Did he pressure me in any way?  No.  He even carried a condom around in his wallet for months before, but didn't once mention that to me.

I decided over Christmas break that Darrell was the man I wanted to marry.  If I thought our parents could have taken it and that our lives could stay otherwise the same through college, I would have married him by the end of freshman year.  Looking back, I'm not sure if that would have been any better or worse.  I think it would have put more outside pressure on our young relationship though than having sex before marriage did.  Darrell's friends thought he was crazy enough getting married when we did.

Deciding in my heart that I would marry Darrell justified in my mind having sex with him.  And it was still a few months after that.  You see, I'm a planner.  Not that I planned it down to the exact day and time or anything that specific.  But I did make an appointment at our college's clinic and ask for the pill.  And I followed the directions about taking it for a month first as well.  I didn't have to worry about STDs because we were both virgins.  So, it was no accident, no heat of the moment thing for us.  And it really felt right.  It still does.

Does that mean it was fireworks and perfect from the very first time?  No, but it's always gotten better over time.  Because yes, I made a decision that is technically sinful, but although it's very hard to explain, I think we still went about it in a way that God intended human love to be.  We treated sex as a covenant right from the beginning.  It was and is special.  It's the most intimate you can be with another person.

I was worried once, sophomore year, that I might be pregnant.  I think it was the only other time other than the two times I really was and wanted to be that I ever took a pregnancy test.  I wasn't, but of course Darrell and I discussed everything while I was worrying.  I insisted that I'd keep the baby if I was, but was scared to death of what that would mean for finishing college.  He said we'd get married right away if I was.  I'm glad I wasn't.  Having a baby that young, too, would have been really tough on us, especially while he was sick just a few years later.  And we probably wouldn't have the two amazing children we have today.  I still think we would have made it as a couple, but I'm afraid it might have been a different version of us.

Sometimes I still wish I felt sorry for making love before we were married.  And maybe someday I will.  But I can't imagine our relationship developing any differently than it did.  In another time and culture, I believe we would have gotten married sooner.  But in another time and culture, we also might never have met.

Some of the things I see today condemning other people and beliefs really sadden me.  I've done things other people think are wrong.  I've done things that just plain are wrong (sorry, I don't plan to tell you about all of those).  I've sinned.  So has everyone.

Some of you have probably gotten to this, the end of my blog post, and wonder where the juicy confession is.  Sorry, this is as juicy as my life gets.  And I like it this way.

Friday, August 17, 2012

Death is the hardest part of life

If my count is right, I have four first cousins who have passed away.  The reasons are varied, but I can only imagine that the loss and grief they leave behind for their mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, friends, etc. is much the same.  I think it hurts the most when death is out of order - when the child dies before the parent.  And for each of my four cousins, this was the case.

Of those four, I'm probably the least close to my cousin, Toby, who died earlier this week.  There are (were) at least 18 cousins on my dad's side of the family.  Granny (my grandmother on my dad's side) helped get us together growing up, but then we all grew up, moved away, and then she passed away about eleven years ago.  Being the older daughter of the youngest son, I was always grouped with the younger cousins when we got together.  Toby and his sisters (children of the oldest son) were all several years older than I, and so, they were always in the older cousin group.  Two of my dad's brothers married two sisters.  Understandably, those "double cousins" were always closer, too. 

I didn't get to know Toby as well as I would have liked, in hindsight.  I don't think my kids have ever met him.  Darrell probably only met him at our wedding and at Granny's funeral.  It would be a long trip in for his funeral.  So, I'm not going, but I will be thinking about everyone and praying for them.

And, yes, I've been hugging my kids just a little tighter all week.

Monday, August 13, 2012

Almost the one...

Most of my senior year of high school was fairly miserable.  I was ready to just get out of there and head to college.  But that spring, I met a guy so cute I didn't think he'd possibly be interested in me.  One of my best friends was dating one of his best friends, and my cousin was dating another of his best friends.  And so, they introduced us.  He was about the cutest boy I'd ever seen.  Yes, from outside looks only, I fell much faster for him than I did Darrell.  He was a year younger (my habit of dating younger boys didn't start with Darrell), but he drove a cool car (even if it was his dad's).  We went on our first date just two weeks before my senior prom.  I was supposed to go to prom with a boy I'd already dated and broken up with earlier in the school year, but I weaseled my way out of that to go with my new guy instead. 

We had a great summer.  He was a great guy.  He'd only ever had one girlfriend before me, and I vowed not to break his heart like she did.  Towards the end of the summer, he was afraid I'd head off to college and find someone else while he was still finishing high school.  I did.  I met Darrell.  And I'm honestly just not sure whether I would have stayed with my boyfriend from back home if I hadn't met Darrell, or if I would have found someone else instead anyway.  But, the boyfriend back home is the only other guy I know I really loved.  I think I would have been happy with him if I hadn't met Darrell.  In fact, it took me considerable time and heartache to decide who I should really be with. 

Obviously, I ended up choosing Darrell.  But that other guy?  I heard he only recently got married.  I was told that I did break his heart, and that it took him a long time to even date again.  I still to this day feel bad for that.  He's an awesome guy, and I hope he is making some woman really happy.  I hope he gets the chance to be a dad, because I know he'd make a good one.

I'm connected to a few ex-boyfriends on Facebook, and that's ok.  They're the ones I still wish well and they are great guys, too.  But wouldn't have a problem seeing and talking to them, just being friendly if I ever ran into them.  The guy I dated just before Darrell is different.  He's the one I should never talk to again.  And that's why I've never actively tried to find anything out about him, and won't.  Yes, I've heard a few things, but not by reaching out or asking anyone.  And luckily, he moved away from my hometown, so there's not much chance of running into him when I visit my parents either.

He's the one who might have been the one if I hadn't met Darrell, you know?  My guess is that I'm not the only one who has a guy like that in her past.  The one I should avoid because it would bring up old feelings, strong emotions.  The one I haven't even written about in a lot of years.

I try to not even read those romance novels about middle aged women who end up with their high school sweetheart.  And there are a lot of those books out there!

What surprises me sometimes are the things like this that I avoid, that others don't seem to.  If you know what your temptations are, why not avoid them?  I love Darrell with all of my heart and soul.  Our love is way beyond anything I had with this other guy, but I still know that it would be dangerous to ever see him or be friends with him again.  And my marriage to Darrell is way too important to even risk it.

That makes sense, right?  I hope it does, and if it helps someone else understand that, all the better.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Why I don't have an iPhone (and don't plan to get one)

I know, sorry, I've been a little light on the marriage advice lately.

But I hear so many people saying things like, "I finally got an iPhone," and I always wonder, did they even consider the alternatives?  I'm a techie.  I like to do my own research and find the best product for me.  I'm not saying the iPhone isn't the best product for a lot of people.  I just think that sometimes it's not, and they just get it by default.  So, this is just my personal view after using a LOT of smartphones and a lot of technology and consumer electronics products in general.

And, before you dismiss me as an Apple-hater, you should know that I have an iPad and mostly love it (I'll tell you the one feature it's missing later), my kids each have an iPod Touch, and I'd probably have a Macbook if it weren't so much more expensive than other laptops.

It also surprises me that folks talk about the iPhone as if it were the first ever smartphone.  I agree that it is the product that made smartphones mainstream, but Windows Mobile, Palm OS, and yes, even Blackberries introduced us to the smartphone space, not iPhones.  I loved my two Windows Mobile phones.  I could install apps on those as well.  I could sync e-mail and files between my phone and computer.  I could check e-mail on the go and play games on my phone.  Was it as seamless and smooth as it is today?  No.  But that's what happens with technology - it gets better over time.  And what about the Palm Pilots and Pocket PC's that came before?  You can't tell me that my Dell Axiom wasn't cool to carry along with my tiny cell phone back in the day.

Do you know the difference between capacitive and resistive touchscreens?  Today, most of us would just say that resistive touchscreens are the old kind that doesn't work well, but five years ago I would have told you I liked that better.  You almost had to use a stylus to get resistive touchscreens to respond, but I have long fingernails that basically give me built-in styli.  And I absolutely hated typing in our iTunes password constantly for my daughter on her tiny iPod Touch capacitive touchscreen - I had to use my fingertips, and no matter how hard I tried, I'd hit incorrect keys.  So frustrating!  With my long nails or stylus, I could much more easily tap out letters and numbers on the resistive touchscreen on my Windows Mobile phone.

Fast-forward to 2010.  I was running a small business, with consumer electronics clients as a major focus, and definitely needed to upgrade to one of the newer generation of smartphones.  What were the choices?  Windows Mobile was very out of date, they were waiting too long to launch the new Windows Phone OS.  The iPhone was already entrenched as "the smartphone".  But the Android OS really intrigued me.  And capacitive touchscreens were really the only choice by then.  I decided on a Samsung Galaxy S (the Epic 4G from Sprint) over the HTC EVO for one very simple reason - I thought that if I had to go with a capacitive touchscreen, I would need the slide-out keyboard for any heavy text entry.  I was wrong.

What, in my opinion, is the single biggest thing that Apple mobile products are missing?  Keyboard options, especially Swype!  Instead of having to peck at individual letters and numbers, I can start my finger or thumb at the first letter of a word and slide along each letter, briefly raise my finger and start on the next word.  Not everyone likes Swype, but I love it.  It has honestly revolutionized mobile text entry in my opinion.  And it comes on every Android phone.  I wish I had it on my iPad (yes, that's the missing feature I'd love to have).  And if you don't like Swype, there are several other awesome free keyboards to choose from.

Well, ok, you say.  That's just one little thing (although it's actually huge to me).  My iPhone is better than your phone in every other way.  I mean, I have Siri for goodness sake!  I've tried Siri.  It's ok.  I have S Voice in my Samsung Galaxy S3.  It's also just ok.  I really don't like talking to my phone much, but when I do, I tend to use Vlingo (a voice recognition app you can get for just about any smartphone OS) or Dragon Dictation by Nuance (built into my Swype Beta keyboard).  I like my phone talking back to me even less.  It may be a smartphone, but I still believe I'm a lot smarter than it is, and I'd rather talk to another person than my phone.  But that's just me.  Some people might love it.

What about the screen?  You tell me:
I'd rather have the bigger screen that yes, still fits comfortably in my hand during phone conversations, which I do still use my smartphone for.  All of the rumors are that the iPhone 5 will have a bigger screen, just a bit smaller than my Galaxy S3.  I hope so, because my opinion is that you will never want to go back to a sub-4 inch smartphone screen.

Swype and phone screen size are the two biggies, the things I just wouldn't trade.  But, yes, my Samsung Galaxy S3 has some other cool features that I've grown to like, a lot.  I can add memory and replace my battery.  When my iPhone toting friends need to get to a charger, I pop in my spare battery (yes, I always carry an extra in my very small purse just in case).  While you spend at least $100 on more built-in storage, I can spend less than $20 on a 32gb micro SD card.  My new phone has NFC (near field communication) in that removable battery as well.  I can buy these fairly inexpensive ($15 for five of them) little stickers that I touch my phone to, and easily program with neat settings.  For instance, when I climb into bed at night, I have one that tells my phone to silence the ringer, set my alarm, and text my hubby goodnight.  And I can use NFC to pay for things with my phone while out and about, although I admit that I haven't tried that yet, and sometimes it worries me that my phone may be starting to be able to do a little TOO MUCH for me.

"But, I have more apps!" you say.  Apple didn't invent apps, but they shortened the name from "applications" and made us all need them.  And yes, you have a bigger selection that I do.  But I'm not just tied to Apple's Appstore.  I've got Google Play, the Amazon Appstore (that offers a different free app every day), Samsung Apps, several others, and if all else fails, I can easily side-load other apps that I find.  There have been a few times that my friends are playing a neat new game on their iPhone sooner than it's available for Android, but I've never had to wait long before it was available somewhere for Android as well.

"But, my iPhone plays music!"  Um, yeah, my phone does, too.  And, yes, I can sync it to my iTunes account wirelessly and easily, too.  And I can copy mp3 files directly to my micro SD card.

"But my iPhone takes awesome pictures!"  Yes, my smartphone, beginning with that Galaxy S Epic 4G, has also replaced my point and shoot camera.  I'd happily compare my pictures to yours.  I know people who take better pictures because they are more skillful than I am, but other than that I don't see iPhone pictures that are just better quality.

"But my iPhone has 4G!"  No, it doesn't.  Not yet, and that's not what your "4" or "4S" stand for.  At least not LTE.  Hopefully with the iPhone 5.  And no, I'm not really any better off.  My phone has 4G LTE, but only Verizon offers LTE in my market, and I'm not with Verizon.  But, 4G LTE is pretty awesome, and I hope it comes to my market soon.

"But I don't have to worry about my iPhone getting updated to the latest OS!"  Yes, the Android OS is fragmented.  There are a lot of manufacturers making Android phones.  To me, that means a lot of choices.  And yes, not everyone gets the latest Android version at the same time.  But it's never hurt me personally, because I tend to update my phone every year when I can, every two years if I absolutely have to wait for the contract to come up.  And I buy a recent release phone, so it gets the next OS update.

"But, my iPhone, iPad, and computer all have my synced calendar and e-mails!"  Yes, so do Gmail and Google Calendar.  Even many corporations are switching over to it.  And even while I was using Outlook on my computer because I liked the user interface better, I found a little program that would sync it to Google Calendar for me.  When there is something I want to do or sync between my phone and computer, I have yet to not be able to find a way to do it online or in an Android forum.  I honestly have more trouble getting my iPad to behave and do some of the weird things that I want.  Android is just a more open system.  People find work-arounds for me.  Sure, I could jailbreak Apple products, but I don't want to.  Remember, I'm also a rule-follower who doesn't want to void her warranty.

So, there you go. There's some other cool things, too, but I don't want to beat you to death with the greatness of my phone.  And I honestly believe the iPhone is pretty great, too.  Just do your own research first, that's all I ask.

Friday, August 3, 2012

So you want to know what I believe...

I don't remember living through a more politically-charged time, so if you want to know my beliefs, here goes a brief summary.  For more details, I'd be happy to sit down and have a polite, non-name calling, in-person discussion with anyone.

I'm a Christian.  I don't often say it.  I'm busy trying to live it.  And I don't always succeed.
I believe in the right to bear arms, but not automatic and semi-automatic weapons or explosives.  I also optimistically believe that we’d stand up for each other if the need arose, not point intruders towards our unarmed neighbors the way I’ve seen Facebook pictures imply.

I believe in a global economy.  I also believe in supporting US products and jobs.  And yes, somehow I think we’ll find a balance between the two that will work.  At least I hope so.
I like that we helped the auto industry.  I wish we’d let more banks fail.  It didn’t take an advanced economics degree to see years ago that the loans being handed out were not going to work.

I didn’t go to that now infamous chicken restaurant on Wednesday.  I didn’t feel like that was a statement I needed to make.  I also don’t plan to boycott them.  I’m still not sure they crossed a line for me personally, and even if they did, I’m not naïve enough to think that I agree with the beliefs and actions of every place that gets my money.  Actually, I’m quite sure that I don’t.
I believe the Bible defined marriage.  I also know that God allowed some marriages that should make any of us cringe a lot more than LBGT marriage should.  I think we all deserve equal rights, but I personally don’t think the government should be deciding marriage for us anyway.  I could fully support government-sanctioned civil unions, and yes, that means I’d be willing to get one myself for my 20-year marriage.

I don’t believe that Obama has single-handedly destroyed our country.  I think it’s been a lot more gradual than that.  I don’t think his opinions have “evolved”; I think he’s just being political.  I think his healthcare reform is far from perfect, but it amazes me that Mitt Romney criticizes it so much when Romney’s plan for Massachusetts was used as the basis for Obamacare.  I think Romney should release his tax records, all of them that are requested.  All the waffling Romney has done scares me.  I don’t think either his wife or Michelle Obama should be criticized for how much their clothing or choice of activities cost.  I think both sides just look for things to support what they want to believe.  I think we all do that, and yes, that includes me.  I don’t want to vote for either of them.  I wish our system gave us more choices.  I wish we had better choices.  But that doesn’t mean I won’t vote.  Not voting means giving up, and I won’t do that.
I think congress is a mess.  Maybe we could all vote on their benefits for a while?  Maybe they could take some classes on writing 101 so that bills aren’t so long that no normal person would ever read them (including several of them)?  Maybe they could stand up for what their constituents believe in for a while rather than relying on lobbyists and their political party to tell them how to think?

I think CEO’s and corporate board members generally think too much of themselves.  They are normal people, just like you and me.  They aren’t even any better educated than many of us.  I respect the ones who created their companies a lot more, but most of them did not.  Why do we allow them to be paid so much?  Why aren’t their pay and benefits based on the long-term success of the company rather than the current year or even quarter?
And, yes, if I see you being bullied or treated unfairly, I will take up for you.  But I also think you should know something that we all have to learn at some point - life is not fair.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Twenty years and counting...

I like statistics.  To me, numbers have a way of making sense that people (myself included) never seem to.  Numbers geek that I am, I know that I have an average of 37 visitors to this blog, but I also know that it's counting me, my mom, and a few good friends who have the patience to read the ones that don't even interest them very much.  It also seems to be dropping off over time - like anything else, interest wanes and you get busy doing other things - I get that.  I think it's good for me regardless, so on I go.

And yes, this post is going to have a lot of numbers, so hang on tight!  The middle of this month marks 20 years of marriage for Darrell and I, and by the end of the month, he'll be 41 years old along with me.  It got me to wondering where we fit in with the general US population, and thanks to the Census Bureau and various reports on their data, I learned a few things.


First I speculated that divorce rates go down as length of marriage increases, and ta-da, I found the nifty chart above to support my hypothesis!  The cumulative percent divorced essentially flattens after 30 years of marriage, and it's also a lot less steep after 15 to 20 years.  Does that mean I'm safe and can lean back and take my marriage for granted now?  No way!  It has been hard work at times along the way, and while my marriage has generally gotten easier over the years, I don't expect it to ever not take hard work to keep it going strong.

Darrell and I got married at a young age compared to just about anyone else I know, except my parents.  I was 21 (21.4 if you want to compare to the numbers quoted below) and he was 20 (but it would round to 21.0 if you want to compare).  Sure enough, I found a table with the estimated median age of first marriages for men and women by year, with data from 1890 through 2011.  I will spare you the entire chart, but in the year we were married, 1992, the average median age at first marriage for women was 24.4 and men was 26.5.  In 1956, we would have been pretty average (20.1 for women; 22.5 for men), but in 2011, we would have been even more weird than we were (26.5 for women; 28.7 for men).  If you didn't notice, the trend is for couples in the US to get married at older and older ages.

I also wondered what the overall probability of a first marriage lasting 20 years is (I know it sounds absurd to you that anyone would wonder about probabilities, but seriously, I do).  And I found it:  52% for women and 56% for men among 15 to 44-year-olds who married at age 24 or younger.

Suffice it to say that we've made it to a place that many couples do not, and I'm proud of that.  I'm not sure the things I write in this blog help others, but I know that it helps me, and maybe someday some of what I've learned about marriage in the past 20 years will help my children, too.  I certainly hope so.