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Wednesday, January 30, 2013

He's leaving me...

Darrell's leaving me.  But I'll be ok.  I mean, it's not as if he hasn't left before.  The first time, our daughter was just a few years old.  And he'll be more lonely than I am.  He'll miss me, quickly.  You'll see.  First, he'll start coming home on weekends.  Then, he'll tell me about how lonely he is without me and the kids.  Before you know it, he'll start looking at houses in hopes of luring us closer to him again. 

And it will work, because I'd follow this guy to the ends of the earth.  I mean, once again he's keeping me in the Eastern time zone, which seems to be the one constant in all of our moves.  Within a matter of months, we will have lived in six different states, owned seven different houses, lived in at least nine different towns, rented a few apartments and mobile homes for good measure, regularly attended at least six different churches, and made countless amazing friends along the way.  All in 20 amazing years of marriage.

How can I not love a guy who would include this in his work email notifying colleagues of his upcoming departure:  "I honestly hope that if you've worked with me, that I have done good work with or for you and I hope you and Lexmark go forward with success and that you continue to do well for your families. I hope that maybe I smiled at you on a day you didn't feel so hot and maybe held the door for you on a day that most things sucked, hopefully making you feel a little better because I was there. Thank you for the opportunity to be here with you and for bearing with all my faults. I hope you would say that you are glad to have known me and you are glad that God put our lives together, even if for just a while. Thank you."

I like to think that we've left a little piece of ourselves in every community in which we've lived.  Because I've gained so much more than that from the people who have touched our lives along the way.  This time is even tougher than most.  We finally tried to put down roots here.  It's the only home our son remembers.  It takes me a long while to really start opening up to friends, and in many ways, I feel like I've just begun to get to that point with several friends here.  My heart aches.

And at the same time, I have to admit, I like the adventure of moving to a new place.  It feels right somehow, too, even while it hurts.  I think it's what God has in mind for us.  I know it's not the right life for everyone.  But I think it's the one he chose for us.  I do hope we can stay put this time until the kids are through school.  But that's only nine years.  Long enough to set another record, and then, who knows what's next?  Maybe following one of the kids to another place.  Maybe even venturing outside the Eastern time zone?

Just please don't allow me to let Darrell convince me to roam the country with him in our RV!

Friday, January 11, 2013

Sometimes it's hard to trust God

Something is happening today that could significantly affect my family's future, and the only thing I can do about it is pray.  That's tough.  Typically, I'm a doer.  But I think God has been trying to teach me over the past year that I need to be more of a follower sometimes.

I've never wanted a job and not been able to just go out and find one.  It's not been so easy this time around.  And yes, I'm even just a little jealous that my hubby, who has been looking for less than a month, gets e-mails daily and more calls about potential jobs than I do.

We are trying to teach our kids that one of the most important things they can do right now is work hard in school.  I have told my daughter several times that I'm more proud of her for the B she received in Advanced Placement Statistics than I am of all the other A's, because she worked hard for that grade, while the others came easy.  And I try to tell them that I don't expect perfection or all A's, but I do expect very good effort.

I still believe all of that is important.  Somehow, I think I came hardwired with that belief very young.  I typically expected more out of myself as a kid than my parents even expected (and don't get me wrong, they were protective and expected hard work from me as well).  I didn't get into trouble as a teenager.  I didn't want to, I wanted to follow the rules.  My hubby was very similar.  Interestingly enough, I think that's both part of why we love each other and part of why we also clash sometimes.  We both follow the rules and work hard, but we often interpret the rules differently.  And we both want control.  It's even why I feel sorry for my son sometimes - the poor kid lives with three first-born control freaks.  What chance does he have of getting his way?

But, I have a tougher time sitting back and listening to what God is telling me.  I have a tougher time letting my husband take the lead as I sometimes should.  Does that mean he should walk all over what I want?  Of course not.  If you read the Bible carefully and understand family roles, you'll know that there is a lot of respect that is supposed to be going both ways between spouses.

I'm not sure exactly where God is leading us right now.  But I'm trying to be more open to the path.  My heart aches to stay put.  I've loved this community more than any other I've lived in.  But there are a lot of signs pointing us away from here.  And I need to spend more time asking God for us to see the signs we should.

Some of you are saying, "duh", while others of you are wondering why I'd put this much faith in a God I cannot see.  But I see God around me everyday.  In a hug from one of my children.  In the miracle that either of them are here at all.  In the faithfulness of my husband, a person I can't imagine I would have found without a little divine help.  In the amazing natural beauty of some of the places I've visited.  In my aunt who despite the odds keeps holding onto this life - she's one of the strongest women I know in many ways.  In thoughtful words from a friend, a neighbor, or even a stranger that I don't expect, and that they may not even know offer me comfort in some way, or a new way of looking at something.

I've gone through changes like this in life before, but I think it's the first time I've trusted in God to help lead us in advance.  I hope so anyway.