Pick up the phone!

Have I mentioned that I really feel for anyone trying to date today?  Really, I feel for anyone who didn't meet their spouse in college, but that's probably just because it's the experience that I know best.  As a teen, I looked around my church and the few Christian youth rallies I attended - there were few choices there.  I dated in high school, but that was tough because I was the smart, shy girl with acne that guys would rather copy homework and test answers from rather than date.  I was already married by the time I entered the professional workforce, but I looked around and watched as others stumbled through officeplace relationships, and it wasn't pretty when they broke up and still had to work in the same building.  And, bars, really, is that where you want to find your mate?  I hope not.

Freshman year of college, once Darrell and I were dating, I only had to walk down the hall if I wanted to talk to him.  We were together most of the time.  It was tough that first summer though.  I travelled home with him right after school was out, but he didn't seem to want me around.  He was ready to catch up with his friends back home, so I was kind of in the way.  He was pulling back, probably just trying to take a breath and figure out just what our relationship meant, but it hurt me a lot at the time.  I went home that summer not really knowing if we were going to stay together.  We talked on the phone some, but his parents rationed his long distance calls and my parents thought he should be the one calling me.  He wrote me three or four letters, which for Darrell is actually quite a big deal since they were each several pages long.  And then, at the end of the summer, when we were both back to school, it was just like it had been before - he wanted to be with me as much as possible.  We made it through the first time I'd feared we would break up.

We didn't have cell phones glued to our pockets.  And the one rich guy I knew in college who did have a cell phone didn't look nearly as cool talking on it as he thought (it was a huge brick of a phone nearly as big as his swollen head).  We didn't have online dating services (although actually, I personally think that's one of the better ways to find a spouse if it doesn't happen naturally in your 20's).  We didn't even have e-mail (although I did start using it in my first professional job out of college, so I'm not quite THAT old). 

But I doubt we were any worse off for any of that.  And I don't think communication issues change much no matter the technology.  Women are typically better, more frequent communicators, no matter the medium.  I'd like to tell you that I have this one all figured out, but after 22 years of dating and marriage, Darrell and I still have trouble communicating sometimes.  I love technology, and while I don't pick up every call, I'll get back to you pretty quickly with a call back or text if at all possible.  I don't think I'm physically able to leave e-mails unread (although I'm not a "forward this so you will have good luck in 10 seconds" kind of girl, so please don't be offended when I don't do those).  Darrell, on the other hand, believes that going through even his work voicemails once a day is fine.  He still doesn't know for sure how to even check the notifications on his cell phone (after over a year with the same phone, I might add).  And if he turns his phone to vibrate for a meeting on Monday, it might be Wednesday before he turns the volume back up.

We don't even really understand what the other is saying sometimes.  It took about 10 years for him to not think I was saying he was lazy when I complained about him not keeping things picked up around the house, that me complaining about my day didn't mean I wanted him to immediately fix or offer up a great solution for the issue, and that not wanting to be intimate that night could possibly be related to something that happened in the morning or even the day before.  There are still times that we start arguing over something so silly that I have to stop and think, wait, are we even talking about the same thing?  And I'm sure he has some of these kinds of feelings about me - his favorite way to describe it is that I think backwards.

There are lots of good books about how to communicate with your spouse or significant other.  The one I remember best is "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus" by John Gray, but I think that's just because it's one of the few that Darrell actually read some of, too, and we even listened to it together on CD.  It was also at about the 5-year mark of our marriage, which at least in my experience is another tough time in a relationship, so this book came at just the right time to really help us. 

I guess what I'm saying is, if you are having communication issues in your relationship: find and read some good books, talk to friends in good relationships to find out what works for them, go to a counselor if you need to and can convince your partner to, and mostly, keep talking even if it takes a long time to pull information out of him and get to the real issues.  Communication issues usually aren't worth ending a male/female relationship over, because we really are very different creatures and don't communicate the same way.

Does the way Darrell communicates (or sometimes doesn't) frustrate me sometimes even now?  Sure it does.  But we've both gotten at least a little better at understanding the other, and we're still a work in progress.  Isn't everyone?

There's > One Mr. or Mrs. Right

Yes, folks, I believe there is more than one Mr. Right.

I believe that God led Darrell and I together, and He's certainly had a hand in keeping us together.  It seems as simple as can be - we lived on the same dorm floor, two honors geeks who met before the first day of classes.  Fell in love and lived happily ever after.  But it's really a lot more complicated than that.  There are so many times we could have given up on each other.  We just didn't.  We chose not to.

I think there have to be some basic things in a dating relationship or you should give up, move on, and find someone who is a better fit.  You should ask yourself some important questions, like:  Do we share the same basic religion/faith/ethical beliefs?  Do we both want children or agree that we don't?  Do we feel the same about money and spending or at least understand up front the other's tendencies?  Do we understand and support each other's plans for the future?  Am I attracted to this person?

You don't have to have all of the "right" answers, because there really aren't 100% right answers for many of the questions you should ask.  But, you need to have the conversations before you decide to get married (and have them again after that because things can change again, and again, and again).

I've known some people who thought that getting engaged/married would improve their relationship.  Ha!  That's crazy talk.  Should you be in love before you get married?  I think so.  Will that make everything after marriage easy?  Absolutely, unequivocally, NO!

Should you be sure this guy/girl is the one and only soul mate out there in the world just for you before you decide to get married?  I think not.  I like to think that Darrell is the best man for me and that I'm the best woman for him, but I'm also fairly certain that I could have been happy with someone else, and I think the same is true for him.  I also think there are lots of men that I would NOT have been happy with, and I even dated a few of them, but at least I learned from that.

It never really scared me that 50% of marriages end in divorce, probably because it's been that way for as long as I can remember.  What scares me is that so many young couples are choosing not to get married, or to wait years just trying out living together before they do.  There are a lot of statistics that support that being married is really good for you in the long run.  It's much more than an outdated piece of paper. 

I'm not saying that everyone should get married at ages 20 and 21 like Darrell and I did, but if you've found a good match, why wait years and years?  Are you hoping for someone better to come along?  Because, really, there's not just one Mr. or Mrs. Right.  Finding Mr. or Mrs. Good for Me doesn't mean settling for the first not horrible person that comes along, but it does mean not holding out your entire life for a Prince Charming that doesn't even exist.  Marriage isn't the fairy tale, but it can be so much more than that if you find someone good and commit to make it work.

Hijacking my marriage blog for a tech-related post...

My impressions of the new iPad…

If you had asked me two years ago, I would have told you that there was no way I’d ever own an iPad.  I thought the name was ridiculous (still not a huge fan of the name, but I’ve grown used to it).  I thought Apple was trying to create a market for something that didn’t have a useful purpose (why would I possibly need a tablet when I had my laptop and smartphone?).  And it was expensive!

Then last year my kids wanted tablets.  We tried out a cheap Android tablet for my son, and it was just that – cheap.  There were a few nice things about it, but it ran slow and had a fairly non-responsive touchscreen.  My daughter saved her own money and purchased an iPad 2 in November, while my son had enough to purchase a much nicer Android tablet (the Asus eee pad transformer).

I helped my daughter set up a few things on her iPad.  Despite not being an Apple worshiper, I know my way around most technology, including maintaining the family’s iTunes account/library, ripping our CDs and DVDs, etc.  I started playing around with my son’s tablet after he went to bed some nights.

Yes, I have a small enough laptop, but I leave it docked to a keyboard and huge monitor more than 90% of the time.  It’s for “work”.  Tablets are more for fun, and yes they are more portable.  I started using his tablet to surf the net in bed, for a larger view of new recipes while cooking, etc.  And I liked it.

Still, I intended to wait.  And even then I would have thought I’d purchase an Android-based tablet when the time came.  I have a Samsung Galaxy S II phone, and there’s no way I’d trade it for an iPhone.  But then they had to go and make the iPad screen so incredibly good!  No other tablet on the market can compare right now, and what is a device like this for if not an awesome personal screen?  And so, after hearing me talk about it for only a short time and deciding there was no way he was going to buy me yet another point and shoot camera (the other tech product I was talking about lately), Darrell bought me the new iPad as my early birthday gift.

Here’s what I think so far:

-          The screen really is THAT good.  I downloaded identical pictures to my new iPad and my daughter’s iPad 2.  They look great on the iPad 2.  They just look that much more awesome and true to life on the new iPad.  Some of the “HD” apps being updated for it are great (Flipboard and 500pix are a few examples).  There isn’t enough content out yet for this amazing new screen, but I hope it comes quickly.

-          It’s just very easy to use (until it isn’t).  iOS is the every-man’s mobile operating system.  If you aren’t the kind of person to make a lot of tweaks, I’d say it’s for you overall.  It is smooth, easy to start using right out of the box.  I find myself thinking, “don’t I need to clear some memory, exit out of some apps, clear some cache or something?”  But no, that sort of thing isn’t something you go digging into on iOS the way I think even less advanced Android users do.  The apps, even ones that also exist for Android, seem more streamlined and user-friendly for iOS.  That said, I still miss more detailed menu options that for me at least seem easier to get to in Android than iOS.  And when you really do want to tweak or customize something, it seems more difficult on iOS than Android.  Even early on in my Android owning days, I was able to find work-arounds for Android that I don’t think exist for iOS.

-          I like reading on it better than I thought it would.  I’m not getting rid of my eInk device any time soon for long reading sessions (say an hour plus), but I’ve found myself reading from the new iPad much more often than I do from my phone.  The screen size coupled with the resolution makes text very smooth and easy to read.  I can see someone who has never experienced eInk deciding that this is a good eReader for them, and in fact I’ve heard of many people considering just that.  And of course you have the added benefit of being able to see your favorite magazines in full color.

-          It’s fast.  Jumping from app to app, into and out of the web browser from site to site.  Nothing I’ve done seems to strain the iPad’s processor so far.  And I don’t seem to have the heat issues that some have complained about.

-          The battery lasts and lasts.  In one week of heavy evening use, I’ve only had to charge it once.

-          iOS apps aren’t as expensive as I thought they were, but I have already spent more on them in one week than I have on Android apps in nearly two years.  But I’ve also recently been rethinking my “buy only add-sponsored when possible” strategy for apps, and iOS doesn’t have the equivalent of the Amazon Android App Store where I’ve snagged great deals on the free app of the day many, many times.  There are some sales/specials worth keeping an eye on for iOS, and that has kept me to only about $10 out of pocket on iOS apps so far.

Bottom line, the new iPad is great.  I like it.  And any way you look at it, I believe it’s the best tablet on the market right now and Apple is doing a good job staying a step or two ahead of the competition.  But I still don’t want an iPhone 4 or even 4S (sorry, Siri, I’m just not that into you) over my Samsung Galaxy S II, and I don’t see that changing anytime soon.  Oh, and that amazing screen and super-fast processor inside my beautiful new iPad?  Yeah, they are most likely made by Samsung, according to the research I’ve done.

Be Fiercely Loyal

One of the things that really touched me early on about Darrell is his strong sense of loyalty.  He tried very hard to maintain friendships from back home while going to college a few states away.  He had never broken up with a girlfriend (although he did avoid a girl once after a failure of a first date).  From the start of our relationship, he seemed to have eyes only for me - I seriously couldn't even catch him glancing at other pretty girls, and still haven't to this day.  He even attended all of his classes - no skipping - even if he did tend to fall to sleep in the middle of a boring calculus lecture.

If Darrell doesn't like you, you'll probably know early on.  But if he likes you, and especially if he loves you, he's all in.  He stands by the people he cares about in this life.  He follows through on the things that he commits to.  And that's one of the things I really wanted and maybe even needed to learn more about at about that time of my life.

I'm sure that if you're around me long enough, you'll hear (or see on Facebook) me complain about Darrell.  Yes, there are tons of little things that can drive me crazy, sometimes even things that I normally love about him.  Let's face it, he's a man, and they are just a different species than women.  But you won't hear me complain about the very few things he's done that I really think are bad.  You won't hear me tell you every time we've had an argument.  You certainly won't get all of the details out of me.  Why?  Because Darrell is a wonderful husband.  I'm a lucky woman.  So I'm not going to tell you anything about the few things he's ever done that may actually make you think less of him.  I'm loyal to him.

And he does the same for me.  I don't think it's even something we've ever had to try to do, but that's because of the commitment we have to each other.  I'd like to think that loyalty comes naturally to couples, but for many I don't think that it does.  But I do think it's something that you can still learn, at any point in your life.  And I think it's something that all of us can work to learn and understand better.

Independence Day

Darrell and I were almost inseparable once we started dating in college.  We even had a nickname - "DarJen".  We lived on the same dorm floor, we ate nearly every meal together, and we arranged our schedules to take classes together when we could.  It would scare me if we were still like that.

I very much enjoy spending time with Darrell.  I'm pretty sure he'd say the same about me.  But we like to do our own thing sometimes, too.  I'm fairly crafty, have my smartphone nearly glued to my hand at all times, and love to run.  Darrell can fix just about anything, takes an average of two days to realize he has a text or missed call on his smartphone, and strongly believes you should use an engine to get you where you need to go rather than your own two legs whenever possible.  And that's ok.  One of the things that I love about Darrell is that he's very much not me, but that he is completely willing to let me be me and to let me do my own thing.

You see, we do depend on each other; but we are not completely dependent on each other.  I think there's a huge difference.  I like the comfort of knowing that if something ever happened to Darrell, I should be able to provide for the kids and myself.  I don't want to spend much time thinking about that, because I'd much rather die of old age at the same time as Darrell at about 95 years old (with all of our faculties intact and relatively healthy up until that point, please).  But, I'm pretty sure I could do it if I had to, and he could, too.  I'd have to hire help for lots of home maintenance; he'd move into a smaller house with a much larger garage (yes, we've discussed such things).  I certainly don't think I'd want to start over and find another husband (they take much too long to try to train, believe me). 

I like to think we've found a pretty good balance in our relationship.  I hope you can find that, too.

Lead me...

A year or so ago, I was listening to a new song on KLove radio called "Lead Me" as I pulled into the grocery store parking lot.  It seemed to be talking directly to me, only at first, I had the message all wrong.  My first thought was, "Yeah, Darrell doesn't really lead our household."  But by the end of the song, I realized that what is really true is I don't let him lead.  Letting someone else lead me in any way is something I've always struggled with, but something I've really been working on ever since then.

I know what the Bible says on the subject:  "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.  Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church...  Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her...  In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies.  ... Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband."  (Select verses from Ephisians 5:21-33, NIV)

I have also learned over many years of marriage that one of the things my husband values most from me is respect.  I don't always have to take his advice, but he wants to know that I am listening to it and respect his opinion.  He wants to know that I value his ability to do things at work, around the house, etc.  He is a hard worker, and wants to know that I notice it.  We've had many arguments because he thought that I thought he wasn't doing enough.  What we finally realized is that I do believe he is a hard worker, but he just often doesn't choose the projects that I want done.

I also know that any working group of people needs a good leader.  Now, I also believe that a good leader takes everyone else in the group into consideration, and values their opinions as much as his own.  A good leader respects those he is leading.

I look up to my husband more than any other man I've ever met.  I think that's part of why I married him.  If I'm going to let anyone lead me, it's him, but still I struggle with it.  I'm independent.  I like being in control.  And yet, he's a good leader, when I let him be.  He sometimes gets to make the final decision on important issues in our family, because he is the head of the household, and I'm learning to be ok with that.

Being the head of the household doesn't mean that you are in control of every household issue.  I make a lot of decisions for our family, and have input on by far most of them.  Being head of the household doesn't mean that you have to be the primary wage earner.  Darrell reminds me sometimes that he'd be fine if I started making so much money that he'd need to stay home - he has lots of hobbies he'd love to pursue.  But I do believe that the husband was meant to be the head of the household.  I think it's just tough to interpret exactly what that looks like in different households.

So, good luck to me as I continue to figure it out.  And good luck to you if you are working through this like I am.

The Fine Art of Compromise

While I believe (fair) arguments are a sign of a happy marriage, compromise is absolutely essential.  I went into marriage knowing this, and thinking that I had it mastered.  Each spouse explains their position on an issue, and if they are at opposite ends of the spectrum, each gives in a little to reach a mutually beneficial compromise.  Marriage is 50/50 with each spouse sharing duties, bringing in income, helping each other when needed, and compromising to resolve every conflict.  Everyone's happy.  End of story.  Or so I thought...

Why didn't someone warn me that instead, each spouse needs to be ready to give 100% sometimes, and that it's really ok if the other spouse can't pull his weight at a given point, because next month/week/minute that will be me who can't do my share.  This was a really tough lesson for me, and probably for Darrell, too.  See, we are both first-borns, like to be in control, pretty much always think we're right, etc.  We had a lot of lessons to learn early in our marriage, but I think compromise and that point beyond compromise - completely giving in to the other's needs or desires - was perhaps one of the toughest.

Yes, going into a situation knowing that you'll need to compromise is important, but even more important is knowing that being part of a long and successful marriage will mean there are times you have to move beyond yourself, thinking much more about what your husband or wife needs than what you need or want at the time.  There are lots of examples of this from my own marriage.

Early on, Darrell was very sick.  I took a new and better job in part because we knew I might have to support us both if he didn't get better before his disability benefits at work ran out.  So, I had to work a new (and therefore stressful) job and do my best to take care of a very sick husband at 23 years old.  Not to mention mourn the fact that we might not be able to have kids, or worse, that I might lose Darrell.  There were many times I had to put his needs and wants above my own during this time.  But you know what?  I did it and learned that I could.  I'm not trying to pat myself on the back.  It was the right thing to do and I know that Darrell would have done the same for me.  But, a lot of spouses, especially early on in a marriage, give up much more easily.  If their needs aren't being met, they are out the door and on to the next relationship.

There are a lot of times Darrell has given much more than 50% as well.  He's stepped up to be our entire financial support more than once and without complaint.  He knows when I need to just get away from him and the kids from time to time (as much as I love all three of them) and takes charge so I can get away.  When I'm just being emotional, he understands and gives me some leeway.  He lets me make a lot of the family decisions, including completely managing our finances.  He is my strength when I don't have any of my own left.

So, sure, be ready to compromise.  But also, be ready to give more, way more than 50%.  My guess is that you'll find you get way more than 50% in return when you do.

Learn to fight!!!

You know those couples who are always happy and never argue?  I don't believe them.  I suspect that they are either not really very happy together or that they do argue but don't want to admit it.

I had a good conversation once with a friend of mine who had gone through a divorce and then recently remarried.  I wanted to know what went wrong, because Darrell and I had spent a lot of time with them before the divorce and they had seemed as happy as we were from the outside.  The reason (from her perspective) was fairly simple: they were good friends, but there just wasn't and had never been enough passion in their relationship; they never argued.  I'm not advocating divorce for that reason, but, last I heard at least, they were both very happily married and have families (just not with each other).  My friend also let me in on another little secret - she and her new husband argued.

Of course, there's another side to the coin that doesn't work either, and it's the one Darrell and I had to work through early on in our relationship and marriage.  We had a lot of heated arguments... 

When we met, I had a boyfriend back home, but realized I had strong feelings for this guy living down the hall from me in our dorm (Darrell of course).  Darrell went back and forth between giving me time and space to figure out who I wanted to be with to just being mean.  At one point I picked the boyfriend back home, and that did not go over well.  First, we heatedly argued and then Darrell made a lovely "Woman Haters" poster to put up on his dorm room door.  Then he cooled off, took down the poster, and started being really nice to me.  Within a week of him converting back to the nice guy I'd met, I broke up with the boyfriend back home and Darrell and I were together from that point on.

When our daughter was a baby, I stayed home with her for a few years.  After being DINK's (you know, double-income-no-kids) for six years, the weight of supporting us on a single income was getting to Darrell, and we were both having trouble adjusting to being parents as well.  I love kids and I love my daughter more than I ever could have imagined, both then and now.  But I'm not one of those women who love the baby stage.  I still don't understand the fun in sleepless nights, dirty diapers, and a little person who can't tell me what's wrong.  So, neither one of us was very nice to the other.  And Darrell got crazy things in his head like thinking it was more important to fill in the ditch in our front yard every night after work for weeks on end rather than spend time with us.  I'm not sure about him, but I actually recall it as about the lowest point in our marriage, the one time I actually feared whether we'd always stay together.

Anyway, over our dating and early years, there were a lot of fights that weren't conducted fairly at all.  There was name-calling, storming off rather than facing the problem, pushing, etc. (for the record, that was me physically pushing Darrell away - Darrell has always heeded my dad's only warning from when he asked permission to marry me - something along the lines of you'd better never lay a hand on my daughter in anger). 

But, over the years, I feel like we've now mostly learned to fight fair.  Two people are never going to see eye to eye on every topic.  There has to be compromise with and respect for the other person to reach a resolution.  I even think it's ok to argue (not too heatedly) in front of your kids.  But it's equally important for them to see that you've made up and resolved the argument.

So, please, argue with your spouse from time to time.  Just make sure you fight fair!

Don't be afraid to leave and cleave

My parents provided well for us growing up, giving me much of what I wanted in addition to what I needed. But, I also grew up seeing my dad struggle to find a new profession after coal mining for several years and my mom go back to college to help support us.  There seemed to be little professional future in my home state. I just expected to go away to college and then move out of state to find work.

My general plan was to rent an apartment in NYC with Shara and Rachel when we started our careers. I'd be a writer/historian/electrical engineer (or something like that). I'd find Mr. Right and get married in about 5 years, have kids in about 10. The details were hazy, but I was sure it would work out something like that.

Instead, I was convinced by a full-tuition scholarship to go to school in-state, met my future husband before the first day of classes, and changed my major to mathematics.  The move to New York City with friends became a move to South Jersey with my new husband.  And it actually took a lot of work to find good jobs.  Within a few months, we were moving to a suburb of Detroit, Michigan, which might as well have been across the country for as much as I knew about Michigan at the time.  Instead of renting an apartment, we bought a house.  They actually pre-qualified us for a mortgage just based on the promise of a good job.  Come to think of it, that may have been my first inkling that mortgages were a little too easy to get and that it would all come crashing down for this country at some point.

Through all of this, Darrell and I quickly learned to rely on each other.  We talked to our friends and parents sometimes for advice, but we were suddenly states away from everyone we knew, and we each really only had one other person to depend on day in and day out.  I know not everyone wants or has the opportunity to move away, but for us, it was a great way to forge a strong marriage quickly.

Did we make some mistakes along the way?  Sure, we did.  Who buys a truck because they've just been told they have cancer?  Us, although in our defense we did purchase the extra insurance that would pay the car payments if the worst happened.  We even got our money refunded for that a few years later.

Whether by design or luck, I feel like this is one area of marriage where we "got it right":  "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh." (Genesis 2:24, KJV).  I love my parents and I love my friends, but Darrell is the one I cleave to.