The Fine Art of Compromise

While I believe (fair) arguments are a sign of a happy marriage, compromise is absolutely essential.  I went into marriage knowing this, and thinking that I had it mastered.  Each spouse explains their position on an issue, and if they are at opposite ends of the spectrum, each gives in a little to reach a mutually beneficial compromise.  Marriage is 50/50 with each spouse sharing duties, bringing in income, helping each other when needed, and compromising to resolve every conflict.  Everyone's happy.  End of story.  Or so I thought...

Why didn't someone warn me that instead, each spouse needs to be ready to give 100% sometimes, and that it's really ok if the other spouse can't pull his weight at a given point, because next month/week/minute that will be me who can't do my share.  This was a really tough lesson for me, and probably for Darrell, too.  See, we are both first-borns, like to be in control, pretty much always think we're right, etc.  We had a lot of lessons to learn early in our marriage, but I think compromise and that point beyond compromise - completely giving in to the other's needs or desires - was perhaps one of the toughest.

Yes, going into a situation knowing that you'll need to compromise is important, but even more important is knowing that being part of a long and successful marriage will mean there are times you have to move beyond yourself, thinking much more about what your husband or wife needs than what you need or want at the time.  There are lots of examples of this from my own marriage.

Early on, Darrell was very sick.  I took a new and better job in part because we knew I might have to support us both if he didn't get better before his disability benefits at work ran out.  So, I had to work a new (and therefore stressful) job and do my best to take care of a very sick husband at 23 years old.  Not to mention mourn the fact that we might not be able to have kids, or worse, that I might lose Darrell.  There were many times I had to put his needs and wants above my own during this time.  But you know what?  I did it and learned that I could.  I'm not trying to pat myself on the back.  It was the right thing to do and I know that Darrell would have done the same for me.  But, a lot of spouses, especially early on in a marriage, give up much more easily.  If their needs aren't being met, they are out the door and on to the next relationship.

There are a lot of times Darrell has given much more than 50% as well.  He's stepped up to be our entire financial support more than once and without complaint.  He knows when I need to just get away from him and the kids from time to time (as much as I love all three of them) and takes charge so I can get away.  When I'm just being emotional, he understands and gives me some leeway.  He lets me make a lot of the family decisions, including completely managing our finances.  He is my strength when I don't have any of my own left.

So, sure, be ready to compromise.  But also, be ready to give more, way more than 50%.  My guess is that you'll find you get way more than 50% in return when you do.