Learn to fight!!!

You know those couples who are always happy and never argue?  I don't believe them.  I suspect that they are either not really very happy together or that they do argue but don't want to admit it.

I had a good conversation once with a friend of mine who had gone through a divorce and then recently remarried.  I wanted to know what went wrong, because Darrell and I had spent a lot of time with them before the divorce and they had seemed as happy as we were from the outside.  The reason (from her perspective) was fairly simple: they were good friends, but there just wasn't and had never been enough passion in their relationship; they never argued.  I'm not advocating divorce for that reason, but, last I heard at least, they were both very happily married and have families (just not with each other).  My friend also let me in on another little secret - she and her new husband argued.

Of course, there's another side to the coin that doesn't work either, and it's the one Darrell and I had to work through early on in our relationship and marriage.  We had a lot of heated arguments... 

When we met, I had a boyfriend back home, but realized I had strong feelings for this guy living down the hall from me in our dorm (Darrell of course).  Darrell went back and forth between giving me time and space to figure out who I wanted to be with to just being mean.  At one point I picked the boyfriend back home, and that did not go over well.  First, we heatedly argued and then Darrell made a lovely "Woman Haters" poster to put up on his dorm room door.  Then he cooled off, took down the poster, and started being really nice to me.  Within a week of him converting back to the nice guy I'd met, I broke up with the boyfriend back home and Darrell and I were together from that point on.

When our daughter was a baby, I stayed home with her for a few years.  After being DINK's (you know, double-income-no-kids) for six years, the weight of supporting us on a single income was getting to Darrell, and we were both having trouble adjusting to being parents as well.  I love kids and I love my daughter more than I ever could have imagined, both then and now.  But I'm not one of those women who love the baby stage.  I still don't understand the fun in sleepless nights, dirty diapers, and a little person who can't tell me what's wrong.  So, neither one of us was very nice to the other.  And Darrell got crazy things in his head like thinking it was more important to fill in the ditch in our front yard every night after work for weeks on end rather than spend time with us.  I'm not sure about him, but I actually recall it as about the lowest point in our marriage, the one time I actually feared whether we'd always stay together.

Anyway, over our dating and early years, there were a lot of fights that weren't conducted fairly at all.  There was name-calling, storming off rather than facing the problem, pushing, etc. (for the record, that was me physically pushing Darrell away - Darrell has always heeded my dad's only warning from when he asked permission to marry me - something along the lines of you'd better never lay a hand on my daughter in anger). 

But, over the years, I feel like we've now mostly learned to fight fair.  Two people are never going to see eye to eye on every topic.  There has to be compromise with and respect for the other person to reach a resolution.  I even think it's ok to argue (not too heatedly) in front of your kids.  But it's equally important for them to see that you've made up and resolved the argument.

So, please, argue with your spouse from time to time.  Just make sure you fight fair!