Have I mentioned that I really feel for anyone trying to date today? Really, I feel for anyone who didn't meet their spouse in college, but that's probably just because it's the experience that I know best. As a teen, I looked around my church and the few Christian youth rallies I attended - there were few choices there. I dated in high school, but that was tough because I was the smart, shy girl with acne that guys would rather copy homework and test answers from rather than date. I was already married by the time I entered the professional workforce, but I looked around and watched as others stumbled through officeplace relationships, and it wasn't pretty when they broke up and still had to work in the same building. And, bars, really, is that where you want to find your mate? I hope not.
Freshman year of college, once Darrell and I were dating, I only had to walk down the hall if I wanted to talk to him. We were together most of the time. It was tough that first summer though. I travelled home with him right after school was out, but he didn't seem to want me around. He was ready to catch up with his friends back home, so I was kind of in the way. He was pulling back, probably just trying to take a breath and figure out just what our relationship meant, but it hurt me a lot at the time. I went home that summer not really knowing if we were going to stay together. We talked on the phone some, but his parents rationed his long distance calls and my parents thought he should be the one calling me. He wrote me three or four letters, which for Darrell is actually quite a big deal since they were each several pages long. And then, at the end of the summer, when we were both back to school, it was just like it had been before - he wanted to be with me as much as possible. We made it through the first time I'd feared we would break up.
We didn't have cell phones glued to our pockets. And the one rich guy I knew in college who did have a cell phone didn't look nearly as cool talking on it as he thought (it was a huge brick of a phone nearly as big as his swollen head). We didn't have online dating services (although actually, I personally think that's one of the better ways to find a spouse if it doesn't happen naturally in your 20's). We didn't even have e-mail (although I did start using it in my first professional job out of college, so I'm not quite THAT old).
But I doubt we were any worse off for any of that. And I don't think communication issues change much no matter the technology. Women are typically better, more frequent communicators, no matter the medium. I'd like to tell you that I have this one all figured out, but after 22 years of dating and marriage, Darrell and I still have trouble communicating sometimes. I love technology, and while I don't pick up every call, I'll get back to you pretty quickly with a call back or text if at all possible. I don't think I'm physically able to leave e-mails unread (although I'm not a "forward this so you will have good luck in 10 seconds" kind of girl, so please don't be offended when I don't do those). Darrell, on the other hand, believes that going through even his work voicemails once a day is fine. He still doesn't know for sure how to even check the notifications on his cell phone (after over a year with the same phone, I might add). And if he turns his phone to vibrate for a meeting on Monday, it might be Wednesday before he turns the volume back up.
We don't even really understand what the other is saying sometimes. It took about 10 years for him to not think I was saying he was lazy when I complained about him not keeping things picked up around the house, that me complaining about my day didn't mean I wanted him to immediately fix or offer up a great solution for the issue, and that not wanting to be intimate that night could possibly be related to something that happened in the morning or even the day before. There are still times that we start arguing over something so silly that I have to stop and think, wait, are we even talking about the same thing? And I'm sure he has some of these kinds of feelings about me - his favorite way to describe it is that I think backwards.
There are lots of good books about how to communicate with your spouse or significant other. The one I remember best is "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus" by John Gray, but I think that's just because it's one of the few that Darrell actually read some of, too, and we even listened to it together on CD. It was also at about the 5-year mark of our marriage, which at least in my experience is another tough time in a relationship, so this book came at just the right time to really help us.
I guess what I'm saying is, if you are having communication issues in your relationship: find and read some good books, talk to friends in good relationships to find out what works for them, go to a counselor if you need to and can convince your partner to, and mostly, keep talking even if it takes a long time to pull information out of him and get to the real issues. Communication issues usually aren't worth ending a male/female relationship over, because we really are very different creatures and don't communicate the same way.
Does the way Darrell communicates (or sometimes doesn't) frustrate me sometimes even now? Sure it does. But we've both gotten at least a little better at understanding the other, and we're still a work in progress. Isn't everyone?
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