Something is happening today that could significantly affect my family's future, and the only thing I can do about it is pray. That's tough. Typically, I'm a doer. But I think God has been trying to teach me over the past year that I need to be more of a follower sometimes.
I've never wanted a job and not been able to just go out and find one. It's not been so easy this time around. And yes, I'm even just a little jealous that my hubby, who has been looking for less than a month, gets e-mails daily and more calls about potential jobs than I do.
We are trying to teach our kids that one of the most important things they can do right now is work hard in school. I have told my daughter several times that I'm more proud of her for the B she received in Advanced Placement Statistics than I am of all the other A's, because she worked hard for that grade, while the others came easy. And I try to tell them that I don't expect perfection or all A's, but I do expect very good effort.
I still believe all of that is important. Somehow, I think I came hardwired with that belief very young. I typically expected more out of myself as a kid than my parents even expected (and don't get me wrong, they were protective and expected hard work from me as well). I didn't get into trouble as a teenager. I didn't want to, I wanted to follow the rules. My hubby was very similar. Interestingly enough, I think that's both part of why we love each other and part of why we also clash sometimes. We both follow the rules and work hard, but we often interpret the rules differently. And we both want control. It's even why I feel sorry for my son sometimes - the poor kid lives with three first-born control freaks. What chance does he have of getting his way?
But, I have a tougher time sitting back and listening to what God is telling me. I have a tougher time letting my husband take the lead as I sometimes should. Does that mean he should walk all over what I want? Of course not. If you read the Bible carefully and understand family roles, you'll know that there is a lot of respect that is supposed to be going both ways between spouses.
I'm not sure exactly where God is leading us right now. But I'm trying to be more open to the path. My heart aches to stay put. I've loved this community more than any other I've lived in. But there are a lot of signs pointing us away from here. And I need to spend more time asking God for us to see the signs we should.
Some of you are saying, "duh", while others of you are wondering why I'd put this much faith in a God I cannot see. But I see God around me everyday. In a hug from one of my children. In the miracle that either of them are here at all. In the faithfulness of my husband, a person I can't imagine I would have found without a little divine help. In the amazing natural beauty of some of the places I've visited. In my aunt who despite the odds keeps holding onto this life - she's one of the strongest women I know in many ways. In thoughtful words from a friend, a neighbor, or even a stranger that I don't expect, and that they may not even know offer me comfort in some way, or a new way of looking at something.
I've gone through changes like this in life before, but I think it's the first time I've trusted in God to help lead us in advance. I hope so anyway.
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