I have a confession to make. I had sex before I was married. Worse, despite very much being a Christian before, then and now, I have had a lot of trouble ever really feeling sorry for it. I think it's made me who I am. I think it's made me less judgmental of others than I would probably be otherwise. And, in my case, it led to my happily ever after. I know that doesn't happen most of the time. I'm lucky. Mine were very specific circumstances. So, I'll try to explain them for you, although I'm sure I'll leave important things out.
Having sex before marriage doesn't mean I had what most people would call casual sex. My mom said at one time that she could understand more if it happened in the heat of the moment. It didn't. I met Darrell, he fell in love with me, and I fell in love right back. I've told you some of the other details, but I've left out this part. Ironically, it's the same part I've left out so far for my teenage daughter. She knows that Darrell and I have had sex only with each other, but she doesn't know that it started happening before we were married. She's never asked, and I'm not ashamed to admit it; I just don't want it to influence her decisions, and so, the easier thing has been to not bring it up.
We lived on the same dorm floor that first year of college. We spent more time together in a month than I'd spent with any other boyfriend. Even on the honors floor, kids stayed up half the night talking in each other's rooms, guys and girls. There were many nights that Darrell and I would be sitting on my bunk, amidst great conversations, and there we would fall to sleep, with the lights still on as others kept talking. My roommate liked Darrell and didn't mind him being there. So, we slept beside each other long before we "slept together". And it was nice. I think it would be nice if anyone wanting to spend their lives together could sleep beside each other first. And maybe that does happen more often than I realize. I hope so.
Darrell talked right away about marrying me. I was more hesitant. Was he an 18-year-old boy interested in having sex and probably feeling like he was one of the few male virgins in the US heading off to college? Sure. Did he pressure me in any way? No. He even carried a condom around in his wallet for months before, but didn't once mention that to me.
I decided over Christmas break that Darrell was the man I wanted to marry. If I thought our parents could have taken it and that our lives could stay otherwise the same through college, I would have married him by the end of freshman year. Looking back, I'm not sure if that would have been any better or worse. I think it would have put more outside pressure on our young relationship though than having sex before marriage did. Darrell's friends thought he was crazy enough getting married when we did.
Deciding in my heart that I would marry Darrell justified in my mind having sex with him. And it was still a few months after that. You see, I'm a planner. Not that I planned it down to the exact day and time or anything that specific. But I did make an appointment at our college's clinic and ask for the pill. And I followed the directions about taking it for a month first as well. I didn't have to worry about STDs because we were both virgins. So, it was no accident, no heat of the moment thing for us. And it really felt right. It still does.
Does that mean it was fireworks and perfect from the very first time? No, but it's always gotten better over time. Because yes, I made a decision that is technically sinful, but although it's very hard to explain, I think we still went about it in a way that God intended human love to be. We treated sex as a covenant right from the beginning. It was and is special. It's the most intimate you can be with another person.
I was worried once, sophomore year, that I might be pregnant. I think it was the only other time other than the two times I really was and wanted to be that I ever took a pregnancy test. I wasn't, but of course Darrell and I discussed everything while I was worrying. I insisted that I'd keep the baby if I was, but was scared to death of what that would mean for finishing college. He said we'd get married right away if I was. I'm glad I wasn't. Having a baby that young, too, would have been really tough on us, especially while he was sick just a few years later. And we probably wouldn't have the two amazing children we have today. I still think we would have made it as a couple, but I'm afraid it might have been a different version of us.
Sometimes I still wish I felt sorry for making love before we were married. And maybe someday I will. But I can't imagine our relationship developing any differently than it did. In another time and culture, I believe we would have gotten married sooner. But in another time and culture, we also might never have met.
Some of the things I see today condemning other people and beliefs really sadden me. I've done things other people think are wrong. I've done things that just plain are wrong (sorry, I don't plan to tell you about all of those). I've sinned. So has everyone.
Some of you have probably gotten to this, the end of my blog post, and wonder where the juicy confession is. Sorry, this is as juicy as my life gets. And I like it this way.
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