Trust Issues

Have you ever been told something about yourself that you didn't really realize before?  Something that at first glance, actually appears wrong, but that when you actually dig a little deeper, is  more spot-on than you would care to admit?

Yeah, that's happened to me recently.  I was told, quite frankly, at a job interview last fall that I have trust issues.  At first blush, I would say, what are you even talking about?  For one, it was "uncovered" during one of those personality/worker type profile surveys that nearly every potential employer has asked me to fill out in the past six months.  My career has been all about surveys and customer opinions and wants.  But, it has not been about these psychological surveys that purport to tell you so much about a potential employee with so little information and in so little time.

I mean, really, me?  The girl who has been married to the same guy for 20 years and trusts him more than I trust myself?  The girl who believes and trusts in God?  The girl who trusts this country and world enough to bring up two kids in it?  The optimistic girl who generally believes that things will go well in this life?  The almost always hard-working, ever industrious chick?  The girl with more amazing friends than she can count?  How could you possible say that I have trust issues?

Obviously, I wanted to discredit the whole thing at first.  But a funny thing started happening.  After taking several versions of these surveys by completely different companies and administered months apart, the results on one particular thing continued to come back very similar.  You guessed it - trust.  I might try to phrase it a little better than "trust issues" the way that first potential employer did, but when I really think about it, I have always been slow to trust others.

One of my earliest memories is when I was four years old and a brand new neighbor was building a house beside ours and had just moved in.  I had only one friend then, and this girl could easily become a new friend.  I was quite literally scared to death to go introduce myself to her.  My friend had already met her, and was trying to convince me to go say hi, but I just couldn't.  I think I wanted to meet her, but I could not bring myself to walk next door.  I can remember that fear to this day, although I can't explain any logical reason for feeling that way.  She turned out to be a great friend all the way through school.  But she introduced herself to me first, because I couldn't bring myself to take those steps next door.

I let others make the first move in a relationship, and I always have.  I like having friends, but I don't like to open up quickly.  It takes years to get to know me.  I can write my feelings down much easier than I can say them.  I used to be painfully shy in school.  I've gotten over that social awkwardness, but I wonder if you ever really get over what is behind it, and for me, I guess what it really is is lack of trust, and fear of getting hurt (even if I can't tell you how I'd get hurt).

I don't much like to talk on the phone.  Texting has been a saving grace!  I don't mix well with people I don't know in large groups.  I like predictable situations, where I have some control.

They say that your responses to these types of personality surveys don't change much over time past around age 11.  But I still plan to work on it.  At least I realize something about myself that I didn't quite get before.  And I'm working on uncovering the reasons why and what else it means about myself.  For instance, I think my desire to be in control of things has a lot to do with lack of trust, although I'd never put the two together before.  Lots of food for thought....

I can be a loyal, caring wife, friend, and employee. But I need time to open up. Just what that stupid report said about me in the first place. Darn it for being so right.