My Papaw cooked and cleaned as much as my Meme, and not just after he retired from the coal mines. They worked together in the garden. I have no doubt that Papaw was a strong man, too. He was a coal miner when that meant a lot of very physical work, and when it was an even more dangerous job. He was a first generation American, born to immigrant parents from Hungary. He was a big man, until he grew old. But, he was also one of the younger children in his family. A boy who got to finish high school, while his older sisters did not.
My Meme, on the other hand, was first-born. A girl in a time when boys were still worth more, perhaps, but she was expected to help much more at home, I'm sure. She had lots of younger sisters and brothers to help take care of, to "borrow" her clothes, etc. Although her family were not immigrants, she grew up equally poor at the end of the Great Depression.
Meme is small, but feisty. And what she lacks in physical strength, she seems to have in mental acuity. She's smart, and she knows how to get her way and get things done. She's not afraid of hard work, but she doesn't always have to work hard to get her way. When she talks, people seem to listen. I think to this day, I may be the only one besides the kids who isn't afraid of her, just a little. I think kids identify with her because she's closer to their size, and usually willing to play with them, and give them just about anything they want. But adults take her seriously, and naturally want to please her.
You see, there was never any question growing up who was "in charge". That would be Meme. The matriarch now perhaps because she so beautifully represents her generation, but always the matriarch as far back as I can remember as well.
The only way my parents really repeated the pattern is that the oldest daughter married the youngest son. I always saw my parents' marriage as more of a balance of power. There were things my mom was in charge of and things my dad was in charge of, and in most ways, I've tried to model my own marriage much more after that compared to my Meme and Papaw's marriage.
And I grew up a girl in a time when the world was a girl's for the taking. My father let me know that I could be anything a man could, and if anything, he implied that I had more power than a man due to what a man would want from me. I will never forget the "no boy wants to just be your friend" speeches. My father had two girls, and I suspect he would have liked a boy, but he didn't let that stop him from doing "boy" things. He sent me to a gun safety/target shooting class and took me hunting. He rode a bike alongside me while I trained for track.
But, even in my family, if you really wanted to do or get something, you knew who to ask. Mom. Mom was the everyday disciplinarian, even if it was Dad's discipline that we most feared. Mom was the gatekeeper of going to a friend's house and first dates (she had to meet the boy first).
By the time I was ready to have my own children, I was convinced that any differences between boys and girls were due to what we as a society teach them. I was at least 50% completely wrong. Boys and girls are in fact born very different, and I think God gave me one of each to teach me that. But that's also a topic enough its own story to not get into here.
After years and years of mostly girls (three girls for my Meme and Papaw and two for Mom and Dad), my aunt began a trend of mostly boy children. Meme is still firmly the matriarch of the family, and there have been glimpses that perhaps my mom will take over that role someday. But I wonder after that how things will continue. Although, my own daughter, also firstborn but the only girl granddaughter on both sides of the family, is very strong willed. I can see her leading her own matriarchy someday, and I'd love to live to see the start of that.
Four Generations of First-born Girls
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